Thursday, October 29, 2009

Multiple Baskets

I actually made a video, for the first time in forever. I balked at making it for a few months, but God finally got through to me lol. here is the link

Also, I feel like this is also related to the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25. That I need to use what God has given me and quit letting it lay dormant.

Something neat that happened: I prayed for this guy who works at Kroger a few months ago, because he came in one day when he wasn't working, and I was there shopping. He was using crutches, and I felt a pain in one of my legs. I thought maybe this was a word of knowledge. Well, I approached him, and his OTHER leg was actually the one hurt. He had survived a motorcycle accident, his motorcycle was actually in half. His knee was really messed up. I ended up praying for him anyway, and had a word that he had a lot of destiny. He shared that he felt this accident was a wake-up call from God, and that the time spent waiting for his knee to heal he could concentrate more on the "destiny". He had already known that he had a certain destiny, and my word seemed to be conformation.

Still, the whole time he acted really shifty, nervous, and uncomfortable, even though he seemed fine with me praying for him.

I didn't see him for a long time. But today I went to Kroger and saw him working one of the cash registers. I honestly did NOT want to talk to him, because I thought it would be weird, since he had acted kinda weird before.

When it was time for me to check-out, I saw two cash registers open. His was empty, and the other had someone with a buggy in it. Another lady reached the cash registers first, and instead of going to the empty one, she went to the one that was already busy! Unusual.

So I had no choice it seemed, and proceeded to the register. He greeted me with a big smile and I thought that maybe he didn't remember me. We asked eachother how the other was, the usual pleasantries, and after he said, "good" he added "better" with a bit of emphasis. So I knew he remembered me. We talked a bit about his recovery, and the whole experience was really great and validating! He was really genuine and glad to see me! I'll get to see him often because I like to go to Kroger, because my family gobbles everything up before I can unload it out of the car.

So yay! Yet another Kroger friend lol.

Current song on repeat.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Alright, so, I was having a really hard time since Saturday...well...really Friday I suppose. And it's because I'm starting to feel like I felt before God took me away from the youthgroup I as at last year. I'm starting feel unsatisfied and hungry for MORE again! But at the same time, I'm emotionally tired and am feeling the need to soak more and more. God warned me a few weeks ago that I was going to start feeling this way again, but I never seem to be able to prepare myself enough lol.

When it happened last year, I didn't know what was happening. I could identify the feelings, but I didn't know why I was experiencing them. It was like the grace to be at that youthgroup was just GONE. God then told me to leave immediately, so I did. He showed me that I was substituting my personal time with Him with the worship at the youthgroup. This didn't replenish me because I was doing so much ministry at the time with the youth.

So I went away with God and rested.

I'm starting to have similar feelings, but they aren't the same. I'm not draining myself with ministry like's hard to explain. I just KNOW that I'm supposed to rest right now. God has told me and confirmed it in multiple ways. At the same time though, I was really confused, because felt like I was supposed to be DOING something. I know that my relationship with God is not based on works, but I was still feeling pretty useless.

Well, yesterday I was driving to Starbucks, so I was on the road for a while. I realized that I had forgotten to charge my sansa, so I popped in one of my tapes of Mom preaching.

All during the tape, I was talking to God to explain exactly why I was having these feelings and going through this again. I know that I'm a forerunner, and I'm fine with that. But I still didn't understand why I felt like I'm just supposed to soak right now. He was staying pretty silent.

Near the end of the tape, Mom started reading some of John 15. WHAM!

I got the download.

"I am the True Vine, and My Father is the Vinedresser. Every branch in Me not bearing fruit, He takes away, and each one bearing fruit, He prunes so that it may bear more fruit." John 15:1-2

Oh my word, "He prunes"!

God said, "YEEESSS! I'm pruning you. It's okay if you're not doing a lot right now. Just spending time with Me is what you're supposed to be doing. I'll send you out later. Just wait for my cue."

It's the "coffee time" thing again. I was bearing fruit, and now He's pruning me so that way I can bear even MORE fruit. I just need to sit back and let Him snip and snap away (that is such a strange picture lol).

Monday, October 12, 2009


So I really want a tattoo...who wants to hold my hand when I get one?

My body is NOT adjusting to me wanting to go to bed early. I'm exhausted, so I got to bed. But I just toss and turn in bed for a couple hours, get up and read or youtube a litte, then go back to bed only to toss and turn again for another hour.

Hopefully, tonight will be a different story.

Hung out with Dad in the den tonight talking about the races he just ran. He makes me LAUGH! It was nice, because I'm kinda bummed that Jon and Isaac spend SO much time on the Xbox and we don't hang as much. I didn't realize how upset I was about it until I yelled at both of them today for no apparent reason. Go me! that really makes them want to get off that white box huh? I should probably talk to them about it...I tend to be passive aggressive instead of assertive. I know this. I should do something about that pray.

I'm tired. maybe I'll go sleep :-)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Where My Faith Is


So, the past couple weeks, I've really felt like I'm supposed to come to grasps with why I follow Jesus. Why I love Him. It's because He saved my life and I'd be lost without Him. Plain and simple. Even if I didn't get relief in His presence, and even if I was persecuted all the time and it looked like He has forsaken me, I still want to follow Him. I don't love Him because of those things (they are MORE than wonderful and I'm so grateful, but I'm talking about the ROOT of my faith and trust in Jesus). And plus, those things are bound to happen, and have happened to me. I wouldn't be where I am today if I had stopped trusting Him during the dark times. I actually did stop trusting Him for a little while...but that is another story. It only led to depression though, and feeling like I was all alone even when Jesus longed to comfort me.

I started reading Job last week, and I am SO impressed with how he held to his faith! He was absolutely unshaken. A righteous man, who loves and believes in God fiercely, is struck and hit in every possible way, from every possible angle. Everything Job has is taken away, and he is near death because of a nasty sickness he now has. He does cry out for God to have mercy and go ahead and kill him, but he doesn't commit suicide, or even BLAME God. He keeps saying, "Who am I to question the ways of God?" He sees that God has every right to do whatever He wants to do with Job, even if it is torture him (although we know that God only ALLOWED these things to happen, He never caused them). It is a humbling read.

And his wife tells him to curse God so that way God will strike him down, and Job can stop living a gross existence. His friends tell him that God would only let these things happen to Job if he did something wrong, so Job must have sinned. But Job corrects them and says that God does things "past finding out." They seem to think he is crazy (I just finished chapter 9, and my memory is fuzzy from sunday school as to what happens next). And like Job's friends, people, even close friends, have thought and are bound to think in the future that I am crazy to do the things God has me do.

Alright, so this is when I may start sounding weird.

I was just now in bed, trying to go to sleep (I have to work at it LOL). I was once again running in my head why I love God, where I'm putting my faith, when I suddenly had this STRANGE thought. What IF Jesus didn't win in the end. Not saying that Revelation is wrong, but what if it was written differently. What if the Bible said that we didn't get the victory, where would I be putting my faith right now? Would I stick by God's side anyway, and fall with Him? I'm not exactly sure what I mean by "fall"...

I guess it would be like marrying someone who lost their job and had no means to support me. Someone who no one else liked and saw as a complete loser. Yet I stayed married to him and loved him, because what he DID offer me was perfect love and understanding.

Not saying that would really happen with Jesus. VICTORY IS OURS! WOOT! It's just something to think about. Kind of puts things into perspective, why we love God. I mean, it's not even just because He saved us. It's also because God is GOOD! ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD! He is perfect and wise in every single way.

Alright, I'm done here. Going to once again try to woo in the sandman.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Coffee Time

So I got a download today.

Trying to pinpoint the reason behind my current frustration, I thought of Jesus Culture and the short time after that. I remembered how my very existence, the reason I got up everyday, was to see what Jesus was going to do next! I wanted to spend as much time with Jesus as possible and I was awakened during that time.

I realized that the reason I feel so unfocused and scattered lately is because I lost my focus. Not that I wasn't spending time with Jesus, but just that I somehow started seperating that from all of the other things in my life. I stopped looking for Jesus in everything.

I banished Jesus to one spot of my life and therefore the chaos swept in and took my sanity away. And the reason I banished Jesus to my quiet times was because I felt SO guilty all of the sudden because I felt I wasn't spending enough time with Him, or when I was, I wasn't doing it "right". Which is a lie from the enemy, because I wear the breastplate of righteousness.

Jesus told me a month ago that life with Him is always coffee time. I laugh at this, because it's something that Mom does. She makes coffee, grabs her favorite chocolate bar, and watches FOX News or simply sits.

Anyway, so Jesus held out a cup of coffee for me, and I saw that He also had one. I asked Him what "coffee time" meant exactly. He said that it's when I sit back with Him, sip my coffee and enjoy each other's company. Then, when it's time, He'll let me know what to do, and we'll do whatever it is together.

Not to say that life with Jesus is a bed of roses, "the realm of God is dangerous". But what coffee time represents to me is NOT WORRYING. Not worrying about what I'm supposed to do next, that what I'm doing now is right.

And Jesus has ALWAYS kept me up-to-date on what is next, and when I do make a mistake somewhere, He points it out. And then I can let Him fix it and we move on.

I still have a lot of things to do lately, but I don't need to let it all overwhelm me. When I let my very existence be JESUS, I see what truly matters. Also, Rome wasn't built in a day, and I'm not supposed to have it all figured out either. If I did, life wouldn't be a wonderful learning experience, the Holy Spirit being my teacher.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

not enough fruit

I have been trying to organize my life lately. Organize my room (which is harder than it sounds, since one must first clean before one can organize), organize my schoolwork, organize my spiritual life, organize time with friends (which just means actually making time for them), organize my own time, organize, organize, organize.

My friend, Jessica, gave me a little personal organizer, which has been helping me keep track of homework, classwork, ect. But I am discovering something as I straighten out my life. The more I organize, the more I find parts of my life are disorganized or ignored. The more I try to pay more attention to one part of my life, the more other parts get neglected.

Tonight, I was picturing different parts of my life like a tree. Each branch of my life (Jesus, friends, family, school, church, ect) should produce fruit. But I am seeing some branches get sorely neglected, and they aren't producing fruit at all. I wish I could cut off a couple branches so that way there would be more time to dedicate to other parts, so that way more fruit could grow...

But I can't do that, so I guess I'll just try harder, and hopefully things will start to fall into place. Then, I'll actually begin to see some fruit from my labors.

Jesus has given me two dreams over the past couple weeks in which He has given me a glimpse into the next season of my life. It has to do with soaking, resting and leaving certain branches of my life to dedicate more time to that. And as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe what I've been feeling lately, tired and stretched a little thin, has to do with this next season. I definitely don't soak enough. I know this, and I've been trying to do that more, because that is how we're supposed to replenish. It's the only way to not run dry. And I WANT to soak/spend time with Jesus. I want to overflow and not feel run down and go through periods of just being emotionally exhausted.

Looking at my life more closely and getting my priorities straight is definitely in order.

and I also have to remember not to keep trying to do it on my own, because the only way I can keep going on is by doing it with Jesus.