Thursday, December 24, 2009



So I would say that I should be folding, but I won't. Why? Because this is MY laundry day, so it will go as I say (goodness gracious, so much rhyming).

I am very happy! I've been happy straight up for 3 days! I have not slept in for 3 days, and I believe that is why. My days are SOOO much longer. It's crazy, I don't know what to do with myself, so I have laundry days, and go shopping (I don't shop, unless it's for someone else. and it was. I'm a gift person [when I can afford it]. makes sense huh?).

I've been enjoying packing. Well, I am NOW enjoying packing. I got past the hard "I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!" part. And I got past the "WHERE DID I GET ALL OF THIS CRAZY STUFF AND WHY DO I STILL HAVE IT?!?" part. I filled up so many trashbags with stuff that have just been rotting in corners of my room since I moved here. Being a packrat runs in my family on both sides, and I have come to despise and avoid the tendencies to be one. At least, I thought I was. Then I cleaned out my desk and found schoolwork from 9th grade. Who saves schoolwork? GAH!

So I hate packratting, and saving things because "One day you may use it or wear it."

I'm currently working on packing clothes, which is why today is laundry day. I packrat clothes, I admit it. I gave away one of my beloved Napoleon Dynamite tshirts to a friend because I haven't worn it in a year, and I almost attacked her when she was admiring it.

But I didn't. Progress.

I got my haircut and it is wild and crazy! I love it. peace.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Whole New Freedom

I was thinking to myself, "Maybe I should blog about the new happenings in my life." And The Holy Spirit immediately got all excited and was like "YEAH! Do it!"

So here I am! Little ol' me. I've been packing my room up since God told me to a month ago. It wasn't so bad at first, but then God had me apologize to a couple people for something I did 12-13 years ago that I had not spoken of EVER. It was definitely a dying to flesh experience, and was REALLY liberating. It turned out that something that I had made out to be a really big deal in head really wasn't that big. One of the biggest changes that I've noticed since they've forgiven me is that I am not angry, or at least as angry. My friend, Sarah, said that it's probably because I'm not mad at myself anymore. This is true, since I had a lot of self-hatred for 12-13 years. But now, NOTHING can hold me back! I'VE GOT THE POWER! because of...Jesus. ;-)

During the week that it took me to work up the nerve, then finally make my apologies, I left my room to rot. My bed was covered with stuff, and I slept on a sofa outside my room. I just could not deal with it.

Then, yesterday I went to my work's Christmas Party (Breakthrough to Destiny Ministries). I wasn't concentrating too much on fellowship, since I was helping organize the party. Then one of my friends asked me what was new, and I ended up telling her about how God has asked me to pack, ect. My other friend, Marion, ended up joining the conversation, and it was SUCH a divine appointment! She had been through the same thing, except it was moving from Germany to London! She said that as soon as she finished packing, she got a call from a friend who had a place for her to stay, even though this friend had no idea that Marion had been packing.

So Marion prayed and encouraged me, and after finals are over on Tuesday, I'll tackle my room again. I did clean off my bed last night though, when Sarah spent the night. So I can stretch out now! :D

Another happening that encouraged me. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I've been spending a lot of alone time with God lately. I've been reaching for a deeper intimacy and really craving His company. I've been emotionally exhausted since He told me I'll be moving out soon, and that is another reason I've been needing Him so desperately (which He loves!).

I've been really focusing on sensing angels again too. God opened up being able to feel angels' presence at Jesus Culture, but I ended up letting it go for a while. Fear had a lot to do with it. I didn't trust my discernment, and didn't want my focus to shift from Jesus to angels. But God has assured me that this is just a gift that He longs to give His children, so He heightened my senses again this past week.

Sarah and I had wondered if God was going to have us move in together, since He has us both in a time of packing right now. But Friday night, He gave me a firm no. I told her Saturday, at the Christmas party. She had been feeling the same thing, and even though we appreciated the clarity, we were pretty bummed out.

So I invited her to come home with me and we could worship, pray, and fellowship together. When we first entered my room, she commented on feeling such a peace and presence of God in my room. As we began soaking, I became overwhelmed by the presence of angels in the room! There was a wind that was swirling all around me. It. Was. Awesome.

In the wee hours of the morning, Sarah started telling me about how my room was really such a portal to the Kingdom of Heaven. I was really excited that she said that, because even though I know that I can enter into the presence of God easily in the basement, I wasn't aware of how strong it was, since I didn't have anywhere else to compare it to.

I told her that it was interesting, because one of the things I feel God has shown me is how strong God's presence is going to be wherever I move, because it will be mine. I had shared this with her before.

Sarah said that she had actually been thinking whenever I told her before, about IHOP. She told me how when IHOP was meeting in a building that wasn't theirs, the presence was strong. But when they got their own building, it increase SO much! I'm looking forward to it :0)

Friday, December 4, 2009


I'm teaching a dance class in January, and I want to be ready for that. So I'm getting back in shape! So far, I've done strength training, ballet, and even a Richard Simmons cardio workout (I love him! don't care what anyone says. He says that I'm his shining star). Today however, I ran with one of my friends. I'm glad she was there, because I probably would've called it quits after a quarter mile. I ran for a few months last year, and didn't really enjoy it then. I still don't find it pleasant, but need the endurance.

As I was, I was trying to figure out why I did not enjoy this sport. I realized that it's because it's a pretty mindless activity. You don't have to think much about jogging, you just do it. This leaves my mind open to thinking about numerous other things. I'm not used to this. In dance class, you're always thinking about the current movement, as well as the next one. Your mind is completely focused on completing the task at hand, and there is no room for thinking about other things in your life. When you enter the studio, you leave everything outside the door and don't pick it back up until class or rehearsal is over.

When I run, I start to think about all sorts of things. For some reason, I don't like this. Maybe it's because I'm used to being focused on WHY I'm breathing so hard, and I find the thinking annoying. The things that start to pop into my head are problems, things I need to deal with, and a LOT of negative feelings. I'm not sure why I think so negatively when I run. Come to think of it, I've actually had some very spiritual experience in my past runs from last year. I remember once I almost had a complete meltdown because of all of this pressure from something I was going through at the time came rising up to the surface. Why is that?

During that particular experience, I started running faster, hoping that would help. I was literally trying to run these problems off of my back, or at least leave them behind for a little while.

There is something about running that brings all of the negativity in my life that I am dealing with, or need to deal with, to the surface. Again, why is that?

I've actually made myself curious enough to go run again soon. Maybe it's a healing element that the sport brings. Maybe it's the fact that when you run, it's just you and the road. No fancy moves with french names, no worrying about whether you're going to nail the next combination or not, just you.

Man, I didn't mean to get all deep. I had no idea this blog was going to take that turn lol. Anyway, does anyone else experience these feelings when they run?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Bliggity Blog

I blog because talking about myself, my life, for a long period of time, makes me uncomfortable. I feel that I take up too much space in the conversation, and will only seriously talk about what is going on with me to 2 or 3 people, and only 1 on a regular basis (to me, a regular basis is once or twice a week). Compliments and people talking about me makes me uncomfortable, which is ironic, since it is my top love language, so it also makes me feel loved. The fact that my best friend really listens to me and gives me WONDERFUL, equal feedback during conversations is new to me, since I used to be codependent, and was used to giving to my old friends and not taking, which I guess didn't make them very good friends.

At the same time though, it isn't my current friends' fault that they don't know me on a deep, personal level. I only put so much of myself out there, and I'm okay with that. I'm just very...diverse. I also genuinely enjoy listening to other people's lives and digging their passions and desires out way more than I like sharing mine.

I'm okay with this, because God is the only one who fully understands me. It's normal, expected. I've had quite the life, and shouldn't be as whole and full of joy as I am. I have God to thank for that.

I need lots of alone time. I tend to disappear for longs periods of time, time which I spend with Jesus. It appears odd to some people, I know. But if I spend too much time around people, I start to feel God drawing me away. It's happening way more lately. I know this is because I'm called to intercede, and to do that I have to be replenished by the Holy Spirit daily. The cry of my heart to God's heart lately has been "ISOLATE ME!" It honestly hurts sometimes to be around people for long periods of time, because I am so different. It's not something I regret, or something I wish to change. I don't mind, I just want to get away when this happens and soak with Jesus.

I'm blogging about this because even though people don't get it, it is still who I am.