Thursday, December 3, 2009

Bliggity Blog

I blog because talking about myself, my life, for a long period of time, makes me uncomfortable. I feel that I take up too much space in the conversation, and will only seriously talk about what is going on with me to 2 or 3 people, and only 1 on a regular basis (to me, a regular basis is once or twice a week). Compliments and people talking about me makes me uncomfortable, which is ironic, since it is my top love language, so it also makes me feel loved. The fact that my best friend really listens to me and gives me WONDERFUL, equal feedback during conversations is new to me, since I used to be codependent, and was used to giving to my old friends and not taking, which I guess didn't make them very good friends.

At the same time though, it isn't my current friends' fault that they don't know me on a deep, personal level. I only put so much of myself out there, and I'm okay with that. I'm just very...diverse. I also genuinely enjoy listening to other people's lives and digging their passions and desires out way more than I like sharing mine.

I'm okay with this, because God is the only one who fully understands me. It's normal, expected. I've had quite the life, and shouldn't be as whole and full of joy as I am. I have God to thank for that.

I need lots of alone time. I tend to disappear for longs periods of time, time which I spend with Jesus. It appears odd to some people, I know. But if I spend too much time around people, I start to feel God drawing me away. It's happening way more lately. I know this is because I'm called to intercede, and to do that I have to be replenished by the Holy Spirit daily. The cry of my heart to God's heart lately has been "ISOLATE ME!" It honestly hurts sometimes to be around people for long periods of time, because I am so different. It's not something I regret, or something I wish to change. I don't mind, I just want to get away when this happens and soak with Jesus.

I'm blogging about this because even though people don't get it, it is still who I am.

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