Sunday, August 29, 2010

I'm going out.

I'm going out
They won't follow me here
I'm scared of looking back
I'm scared of being still

My bags are packed
but I'll leave them behind
because this time, this road
will find nothing on my mind

I'm going out
I'm taking refuge in your arms
You'll find me awfully tired
Of all of their charms

The journey was over long ago
When I saw you by my side
Still we go out, we walk close
And from them, we sometimes hide.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


God showed me something tonight. He showed me myself, my spirit. I am no longer on this earth anymore, spiritually. He showed me earth, a small speck in the distance behind me. And here I was, in a vacuum being sucked forward out of the world. I am completely unattached to earth. I am free from all of the bounds it tried to latch onto me! I am looking forward and not holding myself back. I am with Jesus completely. Eternity.

But there is a danger. It is when I look back at earth. I can easily let myself, or parts of myself, slip backwards into it. But all I have to do is abide. God holds me in check.

My life is here with Jesus. Not there. HERE. I can't slip back into habits of being worried, even if others are worried. I will not hold myself back. I. Will. Live. HERE.

"Eternity's eternal song is drawing me and calling me away..."

Friday, August 20, 2010

Just a story.

"I guess it started when I just gave up everything that I planned to do.
Going through the drive-through didn't really matter,
just to be with You.

It's just a story of a kid, who gave her life to something better than herself.

It's just a story of a kid, who gave her life to a God beyond all else."
~Everyday Sunday

I'm absorbed.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I was dancing at IHOP yesterday. Wonderful Sauce. Spinning and praising, reaching and knowing He was reaching back, adoration and love mixed with a burning for more.

So I'm thoroughly enjoying God enjoying me. We're in the throne room, whirling like madmen when He says, "Jump."

I have not lept and bounded since I stopped going to dance classes. I was scared to since it had been so long. I didn't want to look like an idiot (*cough* fear of man *cough*).

But God said this to me and my legs suddenly surged with an energy could not be shaken off. But I was afraid and said to God, "I don't want to jump. I don't know what will happen if I do. Can't I just keep doing what I'm doing?" (I couldn't keep doing what I was doing by the way. My dancing came to a stop and I was just pacing back and forth fighting with God. I was no longer dancing WITH God anymore so the grace to flow was gone.)

God immediately responded, "Why are you even here, Jenny? Why are you even here if you aren't going to jump? I asked you to jump and if you aren't going to then why are you even here worshiping Me and claiming to love Me more than anything else? Jenny, why are you here?"

Wow. Such a good point. I almost started crying because of the hypocrisy of my actions, or lack of actions. God continued.

"I have only asked for you to be you. You jump, Jenny. You don't TRY to jump, you know I do not ask for you to TRY. Jump."

So I jumped. I smiled. And then I lept. I laughed. And then I bounded and jumped again.

I think I smiled the biggest smile I've ever felt on my face for 5-10 minutes straight. Time is iffy in the throne room.

God only wants to make me happy. Jumping made me VERY, EXTREMELY Happy.

Awesome Sauce. Thank You, Daddy.

"'Cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter. So thanks for making me a fighter."

and I am a lover. He knows what I mean. He has made a lover who is a warrior. Love love love and POW!

It's You.

Round 2.

I said last night (or this morning) that I was tired. And I was complaining of that to God for the past couple days. So wrong. I was saying that I was tired of hearing Him say something that no one else was saying, tired of hanging onto Him so tightly when most people only point in His general direction, so tired of knowing He is right and everyone else is wrong, so tired of not being the same as other people, so so so, So Tired.

I was fighting. I was not loving. I was striving. I was not resting. I was frustrated. I was not yielded. I did not see Him, what He was doing for me this whole time. Protecting me, guarding me, leading me, walking with me. He is holding me, loving me, cherishing me, asking me to just Be Me.

I asked Him Tuesday out of frustration, "What do you seek from me?!?"

He yelled right back at me, "I seek you! All I wanted from the very beginning was you! Nothing else! All of you! You are more than enough for me! All I have ever asked was for you to be you!"

How could I not see that? How did I lose sight of that? My God.

I am forgiven and I won't dwell on this any more. I will go be with Jesus, my Home, my Heart. I will not ask for anything else from Him but Him. That is all I want. More.

Does this blog repeat itself? Do I lose track often? Do I strive in God's presence everyday? Do I forget the One I loved first? It's a constant battle within me to not focus on everything and anything but Jesus and His words He is constantly whispering to my spirit. Goodbye. He is wooing me further into His embrace.

I refuse to be in this grieving state any longer. Jesus and His heart is my home. He was ALWAYS supposed to be that for me, even before I moved out and came into this season. I refuse to forget. I refuse to fight with Him any more.

I will not be sick. Jesus is my refuge from everything. There is NOTHING in my life but Him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


It's almost 3 am. I'm still sick. Still have yet to cry physically. Still can't sleep.

Time to go be honest. To be honest, I'm so tired of being honest. I just want to go to bed and never again have to deal with anything, work through anything, heal from anything...

Can't we just be done?

No? No. I'm sorry, God. You see what I go and do? I know that these words hurt Jesus. He is so willing to be there for me at the drop of a hat and what do I go and do? I don't do what I have to do so He can be there for me which is...go be with Him.

I was with Him all day but I can now finally feel the breaking point upon me. It's time (please, please, PLEASE, Oh God please let it be time).

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Not Forgetting Anymore

"You're on your own now, dressed in armour. If you run faster you'll forget." ~ Falling Up

This has been my secret motto for the past couple months.

I got sick last Thursday and still am. After praying and nothing permanently changing, I asked God why this was. His response made my heart sink and my mind squirm. "Your spirit is crying tears of grief and is tired."

I had no idea what emotions I had forced down or what my subconscious was now hiding from me. I didn't have to wonder long because the answer came in a dream/vision. I had it on Sunday. I was in my bed when I woke up. I went to visit my family and was looking at my old room. They wanted me to move back in. I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to move back in. I felt safe here. I was grieved by my feelings and confused. I went back to where I live now, my aunt's. I stood by my bed and looked around my room. I started crying because I knew that God had put me here but I wanted to be back with my family. I still called them home.

Don't be surprised when I tell you that when I wrote this dream down I did not make the connection to my sickness.

When I talked to Jesus about my dream, I told Him that I wanted to be in my house in heaven. I had a vision of it before and asked to go back. He granted my request. But I did not feel at home there either so I ran out the door where Jesus was waiting to lock up. He locked the door behind me. He said, "Jenny, you aren't supposed to live here now. This is not your home yet." I asked, "Where do I live then? Where is my home?"

Jesus reached out and put my hand on His heart. He said, "Here. This is your home. Your home is with me. I'm on earth with you."

I got it. sorta. I still though did not make the connection to my sickness.

Yesterday, I once again asked God why I was still sick. He said, "Your spirit is crying and unsettled. It won't settle."

I still had no idea what He was talking about.

Tonight though! Oh! Tonight! I finally got to the edge and jumped off screaming, "What am I upset about?!? Why do I feel this way? Where is this pain coming from?" I thought through the last week, searching for something that I had maybe felt grief over but immediately suppressed.

I found it.

After I moved out, I knew I felt scared but at the same time I was soooo relieved to just be out. The grace to be there was just gone. It was no longer my home.

I had bitterness towards my family though that did not belong. I worked through my feelings and forgave them.

Then last week, when I had that revelation I told you all about that changed EVERYTHING, I was on my own. My most trustworthy, closest friends were out of town. My mother (I really wanted a mother at that moment)...well, God told me not to seek comfort from her. I was not to seek comfort from ANYONE but Him this time.

But thinking tonight about last week, when all that went down, I realized something, for the first time it really hit me. I had left my home and I do not feel at home where I am now. As soon as I left, I was thrown into an intense internship as well as school. Hence the "If you run faster you'll forget". I even buried myself in ministry for a little while. And now I spend every spare minute at IHOP because that is where I feel the closest to Jesus right now. I hate being in my bed because it does not soothe me and pull me into slumber.

I realized that it was never going to go back to the way it was before the grace at my family's home went away. And even the way it was wasn't what I wanted but I felt safe there. I am not used to this way of living.

After I realized this tonight, Jesus asked me to be honest with Him verbally. This is what I said.

"I realize now that I'm not with Mom."
"I'm not with Dad."
"I'm not with my family."
"I'm not with my friends."
"I'm not with demons."
"I'm not with my aunt or my uncle."
"I'm with You and You alone."
"But I want more!"
"NO! I don't mean that. Forgive me. You are always more than enough. But I'm used to having more."

I was done. I was spent. God spoke.

"I'm unlocking the gate in your heart."

A huge spasm went through my body and I drew up like a fist. The gate where I had shut all of these feelings was opened. And as quickly as the tension came, it released. I let out a huge breathe and my spirit let out a sigh of exhaustion. God kept talking.

"I am always enough, more than enough, yes. And now I want to give you that more! Don't be afraid to ask for more. There is always more of Me for you, Jenny. Ask and you shall receive."

Oh my goodness. So sincere, so good, so true.

I'm still letting myself grieve now over the change I've been through this year instead of suppressing it. It's going to take a little while longer and that is okay. I'm not suppressing it, I'm dealing with it with Jesus. I'm also going to keep learning what Jesus being my home means until it is fully absorbed in my spirit. And I have the promise that Jesus is going to be giving me more and more and more of HIM!!!!!!!!! That is all I want. All I need.

Besides being sick and realizing why, I have had a fantastic week! Jesus is downloading things to me constantly and I know I will be blogging them soon. Maybe I'll even throw a dream your way...that has not happened in a while.

Love Jesus, love yourself, love each other. Love love itself (hint: Jesus again lol).

And I'll miss you like you're dead
find a way to grieve you
cause I need to try and start again
and your ghost will have to leave
like a child would his mother
or a lover
who has to say goodbye

so this is goodbye

Thursday, August 12, 2010


NEWSFLASH: Being transparent and using wisdom are two completely different things.

You can be transparent and use wisdom at the same time but here is the kicker: it AIN'T easy.

That's okay though. God never told me that I needed to have all of my crap together. He never told me that by not having my crap together I was wrong.

Actually, here is a conversation we had earlier tonight.

God gave me this revelation a couple nights ago about something and I felt bad because of my behavior before I had the revelation. I would have changed every single thing I did over the past month had I had this revelation back then.

So I apologized to God for not realizing what I've realized now.

Do you know what He said?

"You weren't supposed to."

" about that?"

After all, He was the one who gave me the revelation. And He waited to give it me for a reason.

Sometimes the only way to learn is by making mistakes or...not doing things the completely right way. ha ha. Now I know and let me tell you...I'm not letting THAT happen EVER again. Can't say I would have said that if I hadn't lived through this past week the way I did.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


"No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts."

My friend, Laura, wrote this in her last blog. She was speaking of having a relationship with God but...God has been teaching me about other relationships lately. Mainly with all of my delightful friends.

TRUTH. FREEDOM. LOVE. How can someone truly love you if you aren't being truthful with them about who you are? How can you be truthful with them about who you are if you aren't being free? How can you even love YOURSELF if you aren't being free and truthful about who you are with others?

I've been too hard on myself lately, I admit that. I over-analyze every situation and then I finally take it to God and do you know what He has been saying to me lately? "Jenny, I'm not worried about it."

If God, the creator of EVERYTHING is not worried about something, why the heck am I?

I was trying to control who I was around certain people. I was being free around some, and hiding around others. I thought that I was doing God's will by doing this, using wisdom. If I acted a certain way around certain people than they would accept me. Then I could minister to them.


God told me that is NOT why He has brought these people into my life. He said that I am to just SHINE my light. I'm to be completely who He has made me to be. Free.

He also told me that my behavior was caused by me trying to please other lovers besides Himself. What? I have other lovers? Yes. If I'm more worried about pleasing others instead of pleasing God, that makes them lovers. Fear of man. Oh My Lord. I repent.

There is also the fact that I was not acting within His will, which meant I was striving.

So here I go. Being transparent and using wisdom. Beware. My behavior may possibly offend. ;-)