Monday, September 20, 2010

It's Okay to Cry

Round 3

Today, over a month later, I finally cried.

I had completely forgotten about being sick last month. Yesterday I was with my family and suddenly felt my food trying to come up. It was the same feeling I had last month and I remembered everything.

After I left them, I went to IHOP and during the service Jesus says, "I am breaking you down. I am teaching you what it means to be humble." (This was during the flow of what I blogged about yesterday, except I didn't know what "breaking you down" meant.)

So today I get to IHOP and am so relieved to sit down and breathe with God for a while. I was feeling stressed ever since I thought I was going to throw up yesterday. The person playing their set was being so transparent with their emotions while they worshiped. And then suddenly, without any warning, all of these emotions rose up and my heart completely opened up to the Lord. All of my brokenness was suddenly exposed and I just let it all out. I sobbed for over an hour, snot and all.

The whole thing felt pretty surreal because I felt enveloped by God the entire time. The wonderful thing is that He didn't try to stop me. He never tried to calm me down, He didn't even say, "It's okay, Jenny. It's all gonna be okay." The usual, cliche response to tears. He was so silent the entire time. He wanted to see all of the broken parts and wounds that needed healing. He had been waiting for this moment for a while. He wants all of me. It was a beautiful moment, no matter how painful.

When it was finally over, I felt elated despite the emotional exhaustion. I walked around for a little while like a zombie. A tired but happy zombie who does not crave human flesh.

And now here I am, wondering if there is a Round 4 in store for me. If so, bring it on...tomorrow.

Goodnight, fair people.

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