Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
As Mom said earlier today while she continued cleaning and planning Saturday's Christmas party without hardly missing a beat, "Life goes on."
I sat on the kitchen stool, gaping at her as I slowly ate ice cream. Self-medicating with sugar and allowing myself to spiral into a shock at how different our lives were about to be was my plan. Hers was to continue planning the party and...clean.
Jon came in from the garage with grocery bags full of food for the party. He set them on the counter and paused to watch me carefully take a bite of ice cream.
"You enjoying that?" He smirked.
I didn't respond, just stared at the two boxes of Jiffy muffin mix peeking out from one of the bags. Jiffy. Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy Jiffy? Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy ANYTHING?
Mom was putting food in the closet at the speed of light. She suddenly looked panicked, started going through the bags, then saw the boxes of Jiffy. "Ah! There it is." She turned back to the closet without taking the bag with her.
My eyes glazed over and the blue print went out of focus. Jiffy. Jesus, what was happening? For once I didn't feel like I was being over-dramatic.
"But, Mom, it's a BABY. A BABY is coming here tomorrow."
"So? People bring babies home everyday."
I roll my eyes and can't help but laugh at her flippant use of logic in this situation.
"Mom. Those people KNOW for a while-they are prepared--
I was sputtering. I threw my hands out to emphasize the words I hoped would show my mother that I was completely freaking, and desired some validation that freaking was normal and acceptable in this situation.
"We haven't had time! We found out this morning."
"I've taken care of babies." Mom said with an eerie calm as she lowered her eyes and vigorously started scrubbing the counters.
I watched her, amazed at how she wasn't freaking, which only made me want to freak out more at her willingness to avoid the fact that our whole lives were suddenly changed.
I slid off the stool and climbed up the stairs.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I got a few signs actually.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Want something like that again.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
I have had two dreams in which God has shown me how I can still unwind thoroughly during my downtimes, but keep them shorter than they would be if I kept unwinding by watching my shows.
The first one, I am sitting outside in a forest, on the edge of a natural pool. The dream lasts a while, and covers several trips I take to the pool. During each trip, I sit down and either think or read. Sometimes a girlfriend is sitting with me in my space. A witch (ofcourse a witch would come disturb my beautiful dream) eventually finds me there and gets in my space. The dream ends with me having to repeatedly remind her what my boundaries are and that she HAS to respect them. Her argument is that I let my girlfriend into my space, so why can't I let her? But I have to stand firm and not feel bad that I have different boundaries with them both.
The second one I had this morning. I am in a gymnastics group that travels and performs/competes. I have to remind those in my group that they are good whenever they feel insecure about their capabilities, and they in turn encourage me to remain strong too.
On a regular (almost daily) basis, I go find a closet or private space and cry from a very deep place inside me. I am very grieved of spirit during my travels, and only allow myself a small time to expel this grief, but I do it religiously. One time, a friend who has come to see my routine finds me in a closet after I have finished crying, and says, "I don't know how you do it all without going crazy!" Then she sees an open journal in front of me, full of writing, and says, "Oh! You journal. That explains it." I then think about it and realize that leaning on my journal to God really is helping me.
The last time I went to grieve right before the dream ended, a tall, beautiful lady followed me. When I knelt down and started crying, she put her hand on my shoulder and started praying for me. She prayed that I would have the strength to not watch the shows I want to watch so badly, so I have time to do everything I have to do.
Then I woke up.
It is funny how that last dream I didn't want to think was from God, even though it was so obviously so. I think this is mainly because I don't REALLY want to think God is paying me so much attention. It makes everything I do all the time so much more personal, and I want to remain aloof to what happens to me everyday, and not believe that it all counts for something. But everything counts, and everything matters. It is all more vastly and deeply important than I know right now, and it is affecting me daily.
I think that it was the past year that brought about this change, the change being me not seeing bright lights anymore. I just see life, long and steady, the shoreline is ready to meet me, and we'll keep the same pace once we get there. The past year showed me how God is not black and white, and my destiny is not all about my happiness. Most days I'm probably not going to feel so good about it all, but I press on anyway, because I have to be obedient. If I quit now, what was the point of all these years? I'm just going to quit when it gets tough? No way. Then I never loved him at all.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I hit rock bottom this week in school. This is always a good thing, to hit rock bottom, because I bounce up real fast. And that is exactly what I did. Gotta take things seriously. Gotta have hard work and dedication. Gotta remember that hard work > talent. Gotta inch it up and forward, inching, inching, inching. Gotta do it!
It's gonna be awesome when it is all done. So worth it. Dietetics, so excited to get to pursue you.
And having a personal trainer is keeping me motivated. Wesley is pushing me harder and harder, little by little. He is so nice that I expect him to be nice...but then he inches the resistance level higher on a machine, or ups the weights, or tells me to go as fast or hard as I can, and then it is ON, or as he likes to say, "Rock n' roll!"
Saving my money for Cuba too, and getting a bit of support. I'm thankful for this job right now fo sho. Money is tight for everyone right now, and I am happy to be able to pay a chunk of the way myself.
Alright. Good night!
Friday, October 14, 2011
I would like to visit Fairmount Park at some point in my life. It seems like a nice place.
My legs were in much pain during my shift tonight due to Zumba last night and doing lower half strength training with Wesley (my personal trainer) this morning. Looking forward to sleep...so goodnight.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I love that "it's a new day" feeling I get whenever I finish a test. It makes me want to push myself a little harder to get it right. I feel like the bee in Bee Movie who kept flying into the glass over and over, "This time, this time, this time!" Except there is no glass. I just gotta keep flying to make it past the window. :)
I have started having intercessory dreams again. Thank. The Lord. I had seriously not wanted them for the past few months, and that was cool with God. We had been working on other things anyway. But now I have been craving praying for others on a deep level again! It opens up my heart to love more, and helps me feel connected to others. I NEED that right now. I started listening to a lot of talk radio (The R!OT is my fave show) just to get some kind of people time. Praying helps an extrovert feel a little closer to other souls.
I really want a puppy. For the past two days I've been craving constant and loyal company. I know I can't get one right now because of time and money and living with my family, but one day...it is so happening.
Looking forward to Cuba. I will definitely have my share of company then...I'll probably get sick of it, lol. But I want to be close to the body. I have definitely taken it for granted in the past. I need to get in there somehow.
I also want to watch The Thing. It actually isn't a horror, but an interesting science fiction movie. I looohahahaooooove sci fi. Which reminds me...I need to bump some sci fi shows up on Netflix.
Gotta love Hayley Williams.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
God says, "Jenny, it's all going to be okay."
"How can it be? I have no time to study for TWO tests!"
"I know. But it will be okay."
"I just don't get you sometimes."
This is the conversation we had as I was walking into Biology lab on Monday. I had skipped the Biology class before to go ahead and start studying, and arrived to lab a few minutes late. When I entered the lab, my energetic friend, Debbie, rushes over to me. She had thought I wasn't going to show up at all since I didn't make it to class. At first she is talking about how we are going to have to do the activities without the other half of our group, since they seem to have definitely skipped. Then she notices how I am slumped over the table, my face telling the story of how I am NOT looking forward to this day at all.
"We can do this!" She exclaims. "We're just as smart as the other two."
"I know. Actually, we're smarter. I found that out last week when you weren't here. They wouldn't slow down long enough to let me do anything, then they did the activities wrong."
"Yes. But I just can't believe I have two tests on Wednesday."
Debbie stops flipping through her notebook and looks at me over her shoulder slyly, lowering her voice as if about to spill some juicy gossip. "He moved our test to NEXT Wednesday."
My jaw drops. An entire extra week to study and finish reading my text? As quickly as this information made its way through my ears to my brain was right when I recalled the conversation I had with God walking into lab. It really WAS going to be okay. I beamed back at Debbie as we snickered at our luck. I could now concentrate on the steps we were supposed to be following in the lab notebook.
"What's the first step?" I asked as I looked over Debbie's shoulder. And we sashayed around the lab like giddy teenage girls primping for a date, gathering our supplies together, and for the first time ever, actually having fun during Biology lab.
The power a viewpoint has on every moment in our lives. I have to remember that. It will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I've been knocked out all night because of the class. I had SO MUCH fun though! I am completely sold. Getting to shake my booty like I did in the old days was such a blessing. The Zumba teacher, Maria, said the same thing that Wesley said to me..."Trust the process." Okay, okay! I get it already.
I talked to the leader of the trip to Cuba today! She is so nice, and was joking with me. So happy that they don't seem legalistic at all! It's gonna be a good trip, I can already tell. It will definitely challenge me to grow up more, but I want that so much right now.
I got a lot of stuff on my mind (I need to go running).
The song I'm loving right now! Anything Adele is just sooo gooood.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
I'm heading to bed for reals. Got 4 hours of sleep when I finally passed out this morning.
This happens about once a month it seems. I can't sleep, usually for no obvious reason, and end up being as productive as possible until I collapse. This can't be healthy, but it happens to me anyway.)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” - John Burroughs
Time ticks away day after day. I’m constantly doing something, but it still feels like I only get a fraction of what needs to be done completed. There is so much more that I want to do! I was studying in Barnes and Noble tonight before work, and after I was finished I walked around and drooled over all the books. I want to read the life of Mother Theresa and John Muir. I want to learn the history of the world. I want to know the names of all the trees. I want to know the migration patterns of animals. I want to know the teachings of Charles Stanley. I want, I want, I need, I need.
I am reading through Walt Whitman's poems right now. From what I have read so far, I assume that he was high on drugs and a practicing bisexual most of his life. Still, he loved nature and had some beautiful thoughts.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
graduated with my Associate's Degree.
learned that sugar has a negative affect on me, came off of it, and stopped feeling depressed.
lost 30 pounds and discovered my love for running.
learned a stronger appreciation for Family.
changed my career pursuit to becoming a dietitian.
decided to stop trying to "be good" and just accept grace.
lost, made, regained, and strengthened friendships.
realized how bold, secure, and fearless God has made me to be.
And now to me during my year of being 22...