Memory

I just recalled a moment from my dancing days.

I was sitting in the hallway outside the studio where I was teaching a ballet class. I didn't usually teach this particular class, but I did assist. Today the teacher had called in sick. She had actually confided in me that she was pregnant, but it was a secret for now. The girls I would be teaching were sitting with me against the wall, chattering amongst themselves. They were smart, ages 8-9, and had already guessed their teacher's condition. They were only waiting for her to verbally confirm it.

On the wall opposite, a line of moms were squatting as well, some with youngsters, waiting for their children's class to finish.

One particular little boy waiting in the hall was probably 2 years old. He was getting restless, and was toddling around in a circle between the two rows of people. His mom kept calling to him to come back and sit down, but she was also distracted by the conversation she was having with another parent. The boy knew this, and kept wandering back and forth.

He decided to wander up to me. The boy looked me dead in the eye and glared. He squinted up his face and nailed me with the stink-eye pretty hard.

Now, I was seventeen and not in a "I'm the grown-up one" mode. I had been a part-time nanny for three silly girls for several years, so I was fluent in the language of kid. This one was daring me to be horrified at his boldness to unexpectedly stare down a stranger.

I was not horrified. I was tired and comfortable with my familiar surroundings, as I had been sitting in this hallway everyday.

I glared straight back, opened my mouth, and growled. Then I stuck my tongue out.

His mouth dropped open and his eyes opened wide. I then figured that this kid was spoiled rotten and no one had ever defied his death-glare before in his young life.

He stared at me for about 3 full seconds, and I stared back. The girls sitting around me started elbowing my sides and leaning forward to catch my eye.

Then his Mom snapped us both out of the moment, calling his name in a horrified octave.

I looked up and saw that she was looking right at her child, and from her expression, I knew that she had seen the whole thing.

The boy slowly turned, his face returning to it's normal state as he shrugged off the incident as little kids do. He toddled back to his mom and stumbled into her open arms.

The girls who had been trying to get my attention now had it, and I saw that they had noticed the mom watching before I had. They were cracking up now at my look of indifference. "Ms. Jenny!" They howled, "He was a little kid!"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Well, he started it!"

They laughed at how their teacher had no idea how to be a grown-up outside of the studio, and patted me affectionately on my arms and shoulders. "Oh, Ms. Jenny."

The moms were now avoiding looking at me. I was watching the little boy though, and he was peering back at me from his mom's comforting arms. He smiled at me, wide. What a flirt. I rolled my eyes and smiled back.

i am the bride

Home, the only place where I find myself regress to an ugly and immature state, like a whiny child, about 70x7 times a day. I guess I'll just keep forgiving myself day in and day out until I am hopefully, maybe, fully adult.

On another note...

I had a dream in which I seemed to be the planner or director of a wedding. I saw myself as being close to the groom and just helping the bride. I was rushing around making sure everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing and that they were okay.

The groom approached me, looking concerned. He said, "You need to sit down and relax. You aren't supposed to be doing this."

I blinked and shook my head. "Ofcourse I am. I am the wedding planner. I'm fine."

Shrugging him off, I kept planning, not participating. The groom kept looking over at me with a frustrated and sad expression on his face for the rest of the dream.

When I woke up, I immediately heard this. "You are not a friend of the bridegroom. You are supposed to be the bride."

Last night I had a dream in which I was again helping a bride get ready for a wedding, because I was one of her bridesmaids. No matter what I did, she kept expecting me to bend even further backwards for her. We appeared to be rooming together with several other families. As the buying of things for the wedding was taking place, we were all also packing to leave the house where we were leaving. Everyone was going their separate ways.

I kept finding my stuff in the bride's things. I kept getting frustrated as I tried to take them back. Once, she switched her lip gloss with mine because mine was better.

When I put my foot down, she said, "I'm the one who bought it for you, and I'm the bride! I need it for the wedding."

"Then what am I supposed to do for the wedding! I picked that out specifically for me, and you had your chance to get the same kind!"

The dispute ended with her keeping the item, and me storming off to the store. I realized that I had let the bride, out of the seeming kindness of her heart, buy everything for me. But now, she was claiming it all.

I said, "Screw this, from now on I'm buying my own lip gloss! I'm buying my own of everything!"

After leaving the store, I crossed a courtyard to the moving van that would carry all of our things to our different destinations. To my surprise, two men who strongly resemble two friends of mine were standing beside me.

They both yelled across the courtyard, "Jenny, we got your affairs in order! It is all sealed and done! You don't have to be here anymore. You can wake up now!"

They gestured for me to come towards them, and I felt myself leave the dream. I tried to hang on, because I didn't WANT to wake up. But once I did, I knew that I had seen angels, and I knew that something significant had just been finalized, and something else had just been left behind. I had no choice but to face that my prayers had been answered.


I have been feeling hurt, used, and angry lately. I keep telling myself to stop expecting other people to make my life better. I thought that I was just being bitter, and shrugged it off. I didn't want to believe that I needed to put less faith in certain people.

But I have decided that these two dreams really are a wake up call, literally and figuratively. If I am the bride, no...since I AM the bride, it's about time I act like I am instead of worrying about everyone else's happiness.

I'm leaving. Not physically at the moment, but definitely emotionally and spiritually. Everything is in order for my future, even if I can't see every single facet of it.

Friendship is halfway between you and me.

I am learning to communicate. I am learning to not overreact. I am learning to be assertive instead of passive aggressive. Confrontation can be avoided if I let myself be heard now before things get worse.

In the past, I have not done the opposite. I have then confronted, or avoided, or made a different excuse to not talk at all. Mostly all three.

Seeing how this is ridiculous and immature, as well as not wise, I have reached out and made contact. Friendships are being repaired, or being made stronger, or beginning, or ending. When they have had to end, I breathe I sigh of relief. I know that because I communicated and took it slow that I did all I could do. It is then out of my control.

It is when I am lonely when I realize what I want. It is when I am lonely when I let myself be vulnerable and honest. I am unsure how some of the steps I have taken are going to go, but I have to do my part at least. I have to let myself be heard. I have to let myself have worth.

I have to know that my friendship is worth having. One night a month or two ago, I asked if my thoughts on friendship were too lofty. Was I raising the bar too high for others to reach?

God then said, "Actually, you should expect more."

I didn't understand what He meant until...yes...I believe until right now. This is because I had not allowed myself to expect more from ME. I was not allowing myself to try to make the effort at establishing strong friendships. Now that I am, I see the difference in where I was then, and how I thought about relationships. It is all about risk. It is all about honesty. It is all about taking it slow and not jumping in too fast before you know someone. I can say that almost every friendship that was instantaneous ended up being unhealthy. People who latch on so quick aren't always the best at having boundaries or respecting yours.

Relationships take work. If I can't get friendship down, how am I going to take the next step?

I'm ready to break free from my traditions of isolation. I'm ready to speak, growing in the belief that I am worth being heard and understood.

"This time I am going to do it right."

I am going to blog more and keep my friends up to date. I really am. :)

I am officially a student again at Athens Technical College. This summer is a transition quarter, since the college is switching to semester hours in the fall. This means that the summer quarter is only 1 month long! Because of this, I am only taking one class, which is statistics. Apparently is it a math class, which tells me that I know nothing about statistics, because it sounded more like a discussion class to me.

I am very excited about going back to school. A couple months ago I was reading the Chicken Soup for the College Soul book that I received upon graduating high school. It made me sad to look back at the last several years I had spent in college as I read the heartwarming stories, because I saw how I did not take full advantage of most of my classes. I knew that this was partly because I was not in a major that I loved, but I was not blind to the fact that I had a very passive attitude towards school. I made great grades, and finished with honors, but this was only because I am lucky enough to be able to hammer out papers while pulling an all-nighter, and retain information well when cramming for a test that is in a few hours. I did love a lot of my social work classes, but I was not seeing bigger picture. The bigger picture is that I need the information I was learning for the future. I need it now.

This time I am going to do it right. This time I am going to be all in, baby!

I am also reading the chapter in a technical writing textbook on how to write a winner resume. I want to get a part-time job as a social worker or something similar. So this is what I am working on this week, my resume. Yay!

"I've set you apart. Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions, let's go back to the start."

I can't sleep, so it is time to blog. I still want to go to hot yoga though in the morning. grr...argh.

I'm not going to write the blog that I have ready to write, because that would take too long, and it is late. It is coming though! Actually, it is already written down. I just need to take the time to type it out here.

God is full of so much that is unexpected! I think that is part of the romantic in him. He likes to surprise us with so many things!

Tonight he suddenly says, "My love held you back."

It was a sigh of relief when he said this, because I had been thinking about how I have been feeling like I am at a standstill lately. Surprisingly, I wasn't complaining about it. Usually I'm thinking, I need to be doing something! This time, I feel very happy about it.

It started when I stopped being introspective and suspicious, like I mentioned in my previous blog. What I am now realizing is that a lot of striving melted away with that too. It is so easy to just be a daughter of God, and to live your life like that. He created me, he loves me, he doesn't want to change me. He washed me clean once, and never has to again (except for my feet, John 13). This means I KNOW that I am pure.

I still grow and learn something new everyday. I am still reminded of a lesson that I forgot everyday. This is how it is going to be, and it is a good thing! I love needing Jesus! I love surprise lessons and reminders! I love the fearlessness of just letting go and living!

"My love held you back."

I still don't know exactly what God means by this statement, but I know that it is a blessing. It is an encouragement. It is a good thing. I am being given this time to be here, and I'm not going to push it away.

The remains of the day.

Dad, you don't really want my pie. I won't put sugar in it!

It is funny how I keep suddenly noticing changes in me. I don't notice them as they happen. One night 2 weeks ago I realized that I had lost 20 pounds since the beginning of the year. One day last week I realized that my adolescent introspective nature had fled with the wind, my tendency to be suspicious with it. I am suddenly completely happy with who I am. This is who I wanted to be when I was a little girl. This is me.

I was running through the woods today, well, more walking than running. When I run with Mom I walk for I have longer legs than she. Anyway, I was running through the woods and thought about when I tried to run several years ago. I blogged about how I felt all of this angst and frustration that had built up whenever I ran. It made running unpleasant, but I was able to realize what I needed to work on in my life. Today I noted how nothing was coming up. I have a list of things to do tomorrow. I have to remind myself to think of others every single day. I am still learning to be a good friend and attract good friends, something I was so good at when I was little. I am at peace with these things, and they were not bothering me today.

It was quite lovely to be able to focus on the breeze against my face and the beauty of the dwindling day.

Here is the song that was playing in my head.