Monday, June 20, 2011
Beautiful girl, may the weight of world resign. You will get better.
Do you ever get tired of trying to be who you are supposed to be, and ignoring everything that you actually want to be? Do you ever just want to forget everything that is supposed to make one happy, and just, finally, please, I'm begging you, just be yourself. Let that big ol' freak flag fly, and forget what everyone in the world has ever told you, is telling you, and will ever tell you. Well, not everything, but most of it.
I finally disposed of the mockeries. I have let my freak flag fly (and surprisingly, it isn't even that freaky). I'm just living, day by day. I'm not even doing what I usually have done to try to be happy. I'm not being "spiritual". I'm not letting anyone direct my path. My friends aren't controlling, and seem to accept me just fine, even appreciate it. My parents are great, and understand who I am.
I thought by giving up the image of myself that I was trying to sell, that I would be giving it all up. I would be giving up being a "good" person. I would be giving up being close to God. I would be giving up being happy. I would be giving up my life.
But I didn't give any of that up. By letting go, I found freedom. I found acceptance. I found me. I was trying to cover it up all along, ashamed of who I really am.
I like watching Drop Dead Diva, and other girly shows.
I don't always read the Bible everyday.
I stopped being upset with legalistic church services, and getting all judgy.
Instead, I let myself enjoy the good in these services that rolls with the not so good.
This goes for life. I've learned to enjoy the good that comes with the bad and not run when something isn't just way I'd do it, or said in a way I wouldn't say it. People are NOT my enemy, so why should I be so offended?
I let others be wrong more, and realize that maybe, just maybe, this time I'm right. And I stand by it. Usually I'm a push-over, and apologize for something I didn't even do.
I like shopping. I like having all my clothes. I like being a girl.
Most importantly, I stopped living for other people, and started living for myself. Being the Bride.
I stopped being so "spiritual" and let a lot of things go. Not sure how long this will last. But I am REALLY tired of it all, and all of the bullcrap that comes with it. Why should I try to analyze every single part of my life and figure out if it is significant or not? Why can't I just live in the moment. The moment is all Jesus has shown me right now, might as well live in it. Why should I live for every time that God is going to blast me with something spiritual? Or give me a word? Or show me some kind of experience of some sort. Why should I look at someone, and just because they got issues, think that I'm not going to be friends with them, because they need deliverance. It did not make me happy. It made me miserable, always thinking that I needed just one more thing, and that everyone else around me needed just one more thing too. Then, finally, everything would be right, and we could all just love each other, because everyone would be all smiley, happy, shiny, perfect, praising Jesus all day long. Please. I don't remember Jesus in the Bible being all shiny and happy all the time. I actually remember Him being pretty pissed at everyone who was always trying to do "the right thing" and making other people believe that they needed to do "the right thing", too.
Well, guess what, I already got that one thing. It is Jesus. And He made me to be who I am, and when I let everything go, He kept showing me things, and telling me stuff, and encouraging me to just walk away from everything holding me back from being me. He told me that the world is NOT on my shoulders. He does not want me to save the world. He already did, and He gave me life. Now He wants me to live it.
It's like Mister Rogers used to say. "I feel the greatest gift you can give anyone is your honest self."
I'm allowed to be tired. I can take a break. And I can certainly realize that there is always going to be bad in our lives, and that if we don't realize that, and keep living, we will never see the good that is also always there.
And that is the end of my rant.