Friday, July 29, 2011


My mind is being blown by the Lord. He is changing me so slowly, yet the changes in me are so different than I have been before, that it feels rapid to me. I guess it feels slow and rapid because I first didn’t see any change at all. All I saw was the selfishness, and the stump. When Jesus cut down my tree, I wasn’t sure if it was ever going to grow back. But it is growing now, and it will be stronger than it ever was.
I just don’t know what the tree is going to be like. That is the question. I’m going to start asking God to reveal it to me. I haven’t been asking Him to show me stuff lately, because whenever I do, He shows me. I don’t always like what I see, and I’ve been turning a blind eye to what I have seen already, which brings me to the movie I watched last night.

A couple months ago, I heard God tell me that I should watch All The King’s Men. I wasn’t even positive if it was a real movie, but I found out that it is. I didn’t get the chance to watch it until last night. As I watched it, I suddenly realized that I had no idea what this movie was supposed to mean to me. It is a great movie, but I didn’t see the relation to me. I asked God what the purpose of His direction for me to watch it was. The next scene in the movie told me.

One of the characters in the movie, Jack, is witnessing a lot of corruption in the government, and is in a position to do something about it. He doesn’t though, and says that it is because he doesn’t care. He says that if he did care, he would do something, but he would rather watch everything happen from where he is sitting.
As I listened to Jack, I suddenly thought, “Oh, I’m like Jack. I see a lot of things that are wrong, but I don’t do anything about it.”

Strange as it sounds, I was happy to know this about me, especially so early in the movie. Now I could learn something.

As I watched the story unfold, I paid attention to Jack’s actions. I couldn’t believe how apathetic he was. So many times he had to chance to do something or say something that could change the course of his life, and the lives of others, in a good way. But he never does. He is in love with his childhood friend, but never does anything about it, even though he knows she is love with him, and she knows he is in love with her. He sees through the corrupted schemes of the government, and doesn’t say anything. He sees and knows the truth during most of the movie. His refusal to be the one to change anything, or reveal the truth, is very sad, and brings about the downfall of pretty much every other character in the movie.

Now, seeing my own apathy, I wondered what I should do about it. I still don’t know what to do, actually. But God has shown me things over the past year, including the fact that I have the right to make a difference in many people’s lives. “So what are you going to do about it?”

As I was driving this evening, during the magic hour, I noticed a large cloud in the sky. Something about it stood out to me. It was interesting, but I didn’t know this particular cloud had caught my eye. The interesting thing about it was the size of it, and how it seemed very solid. However, at the very bottom of the cloud, it was melting away in wisps.

I decided to turn my attention back to the road and the music playing. A few minutes later though, I found my eyes drift back to the sky until they found the cloud. I was surprised to see that the top was still just as solid, but from the bottom to past the halfway point of the cloud, it had melted even more.

I thought to myself, that’s weird. It is melting from the bottom up. Why is it doing that? Why hasn’t the top changed yet?

No sooner had I thought this when I remembered a dream I had a while back. I blogged about it here, but here is a summary. In the dream, I’m in a grocery store. I stop shopping when I see doors in the floor that reveal the foundation of the store. The foundation had been built clumsily, and was completely wrong. As I stood and watched, what little foundation had been built started falling and crumbling in slow motion. I tried to warn people in the store, my friends, the employees, that we needed to evacuate, but no one listened. They just kept shopping for what they needed. I knew that they didn’t believe me because everything looked fine above the foundation. There was no visible sign of crumbling unless you looked through the doors in the floor.

How strange, I thought as I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as I felt the solemness of the dream I was remembering. That cloud is doing the same thing.

I started thinking more about the dream and other things that God has shown me. I knew that this particular dream had to do with the foundation of the Church. I knew that in a dream that I had quite recently, Jesus came and told me that I belonged inside the camp (the church), not on the outside of the camp. He said that I needed to fight to stay there once I got there, and that I had everything I needed.
Despite these seemingly specific instructions, I don’t know where to start. And that is just one instance. There are many truths that God has told me that I have not done anything about, besides pray, and there hasn’t been much of that lately either. There are also many things that I know God is trying to show me, that I refuse to see. I would rather not see the truth of what is happening around me, because it is easier.

Apathy. A little word with a lot of fear, which is powerless unless I give it power, behind it.

I give it a lot of power lately. So be praying for me, please, please.
Love you all.

And here is a pretty song. I've been listening to Kate Nash for the past few days. Her honesty, though sometimes not tactful, makes me happy.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I wasn't going to blog tonight, because I need to sleep. I've been getting called in to work more hours this week than I had previously thought, and I gotta be there at 8 tomorrow. But here I am, because guess who had a coffee energy drink before her Statistics class?

I had never had an energy drink until this past month. Now I have had 2. That just proves how busy I have been, that I have had to have that help to stay alert. I did get behind in class though during the first week, and still haven't caught up. It's all good though. I still got an A in that class.

I am getting tired now. I just need to process my thoughts a bit.

I processed shipment (unwrap, sensor, hang or fold clothes) for 4 hours this morning. I was in the backroom of the store, all by my lonesome. Thinking about one of my friends who also has a heavy load in school right now, I started praying for him. After that, I decided to throw some prayers for me in there too, and also the store.

Funny thing about praying for the store. Last week, my first week, for the first two days I helped open the store by dusting, cleaning mirrors, ect. I would use this time to pray over my day there, and for the people who would enter the store. These were mainly pretty simple prayers, and I allowed myself to throw in the plea that people who wanted to buy clothes would come to our store (I got a quota to make after all). I wasn't sure if this did anything, but I would feel more calm afterwards.

On Friday I didn't work until 3. I came in and started working the floor, and was immediately aware of this weird, catty, competitive thing that kept creeping up on me. I also had a rough time interacting with some of the more difficult customers. Wondering what the heck was going on, I remembered that I had not prayed at all about my night there. I started asking God for help, and the weirdness faded off of me, and I returned to my normal self.

On another note, a friend of the family who had recently move away came to spend the night! She is here now, and I just want to say that she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. There is just something about her that makes me think, wow. She is effortlessly, entrancingly beautiful, and she doesn't even know it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Wanting to hear you

I love being busy. It drives me to keep moving, and to stay positive. I'm working 4 hours tomorrow when I wasn't working at all. Feels good to be making more money than I was going to this week.

I notice that I have no idea what my future holds, but whenever I stop living in the now, I stop moving forward almost completely. Then my future never seems to come. So I'm happy to be living so hard right now, because I know that it will scurry my future closer, whatever it holds.

There isn't any time to just BE lately, which is probably my only complaint. After I did homework today, I only had time to shower and dress before running out the door to work. As I was getting ready, I thought about how I have been spending my downtime. Now that I have next to no downtime, it makes me see how much I have wasted it in the past. Why do I go to watch a show or movie almost every time I have a spare moment? I could be spending time with people, like FAMILY or talking to friends. I look back over the past months, and see once more how self-absorbed I am. WHY don't I want to talk to people? WHAT is wrong with me? I have been BLIND to those around me and so close to me.

I did surprise myself when I was suddenly aware that one of the women at the check-out needed to be spoken to. As I rang up her stuff, I asked her how her day was. She had been looking exhausted, but perked up as we started talking about how neither of us knew what Statistics even was, though we still had to take it. She walked away still tire, but obviously happy that she had been heard. I used to strive to hear people all the time, but God had me stop when He showed me that I was constantly trying to have the answer to everyone's problem. He said that I had to wait for His nudge, and not just help people because I could. I didn't realize I was being stretched so thin until I stopped. So I think when I did stop, I had to go to the extreme of practically not hearing anyone at all.

But God nudged me tonight with that lady, and I think He is about to nudge me further into interacting with others more.

Well, I still don't have time to spend with them right now anyway, but I'll hold onto this nugget so I can remember it when I do have time.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

11:36 am

This morning I woke up and got out of bed to look at the time. Aware of how tired I was, I was surprised to see that it was 11:36 am. Being so tired, I must have crawled back into bed, because I was soon having a long, random dream about a competition between two Bed n Breakfasts.

I woke up again, and groaned inwardly. Since it had been 11:36 am before my long dream, it must be at least 1 in the afternoon now. I had so much homework, but I didn't want to get up and feel the defeat that was sure to come when I looked at the clock. I had gone to bed at 1 am, so it made no sense that I slept so long. Was my body fighting something?

My mind kept grappling through the process of waking up as I fought to stay conscious and come up with a reason for my sleep pattern at the same time. I finally got up, and walked over to the clock.

It was 11:36 am. I blinked. It changed to 11:37 am.

"I must be waking up exactly when I am supposed to be!" I declared. Triumphant in the fact that I had not slept too long, and that Jesus was encouraging me in the strange way He usually did, I went downstairs to eat breakfast.

I could have been having a dream or vision the first time I looked at the time. God could have stopped time so I could sleep more. I don't know what happened. Either way, I feel blessed and secure, knowing that every. single. little. thing. is important and noticed by God.

Losing all control

In between working and keeping up with my Statistics class, I haven't had much time for anything else. I enjoy being busy, because whenever I end a shift at work, or finish a homework assignment, I have this relief that I did something productive.

Here is what I've been wanting to blog about for over a week now. I have mentioned before how I have realized how selfish I am. A couple weeks ago, my pride was revealed to me also. God showed me how I have always been blind to the people around me because of it. My heart hasn't been allowed to give love like it should, because I have been holding it inside, thinking that others didn't deserve it. Wow, I have thought I am so much better than other people.

A big part of it was confusing love with pride. I do try to love myself and have healthy boundaries with other people, but sometimes, with certain friends, I have confused loving myself with judging others. I don't even know how to correct myself, and told God that I can't even try. I'm just begging Him to show me how and what to do, and so far He has.

I was reading Exodus 34 yesterday, and ended up meditating on it for a while. Half of the reason was because of the prayer Moses prayed, that God would be with His people, even though they were obstinate. God listened to Moses, and I KNOW that He listens to me. I don't want to be prideful, or selfish. Chopping down my tree really exposed a lot of flesh I didn't know I had. It is good to read the Bible and see God in it like that, and I could actually feel my spirit reaching up through my body as I meditated on the verses. My body and my spirit have to be one. I can't push my spirit down anymore. I have to accept that I, my body, can not fix my spirit. When I do that, it seems that I am only making my body stronger and my spirit weaker, because I'm not letting Jesus do what He does best. I'm holding progress back with my own substitution, and doing that is pride. When I do this, I only beat the devil back, and refusing to see that I am in no control of the devil puts my spirit at risk of not holding up the power that Jesus has given me.

So by letting go, I see the risk that I take, letting go of fear to let God have control over my being. He is the source. I have nothing except for Him.

So I cry out day in and day out, that He would change me, because I can't live like this. This is not who I am.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

My story of gratitude! God is so in control of things. We just have to leap.

Hello fellow friends and followers! I received a job today!

I walk in to the store (clothing store) on Thursday to turn in my job application, and immediately score an interview. After the interview, I drive to class, but my car stops working. So I hoof it the rest of the way to class (I'm only a block or two away, fortunately). By the time I get there, I'm a sweaty mess, and ready to just...I don't know. Just not DO Statistics. But I sit through class anyway (my teacher is pretty cool btw. I think I'm going to enjoy the class), but I'm frazzled, and my mind keeps flitting back to the interview and my car.

The next day I take the personality survey online that my interviewer referred me to. I feel like I passed, but I also feel like I don't have the job experience to get the job anyway. There are a lot of doubts in my mind whether or not I can do this, or any job in retail. There are a lot of things I don't know about selling clothes, but I know that I can do it once I learn. I'm sure of it...but then the next second I'm not.

Friday and Saturday I try not to think about any of it. My car gets towed, and I decide to just forget about the job interview, because getting my hopes up seems cruel. I had already gotten turned down from another job just a few days prior. Why think I should get this one?

Saturday evening, I'm thinking of just sinking the idea of getting a retail job altogether. Why try when I get rejection shoved in my face every day? It isn't worth it. I don't want to give up, but I know that I can go to the career center at school and get a job through them, since I already grabbed my Associate's Degree. But should I? I had really thought God had pointed me towards retail for the challenge and satisfaction of working so hard for something. But I have had my doubts lately that I'm even hearing God half the time.

And what about the dream I had a month or so ago. Moshe and Josiah were in it, actually. They both said, "It is all waiting for you!" Where was it then if it was waiting? It seemed to be hiding.

Today comes. Mom is meeting her friends for a get together. They'll be praying, eating, worshiping, and for some reason, I don't want to go this time. It doesn't make sense. I hear God say, "No. Stay here." So I stay, even though I'm not even sure that I'm hearing God lately.

Mom leaves, I go upstairs. My phone is ringing. I let the voice mail pick up. I decide to check it right away, and hear "Jenny? This is Kaylee. You passed the personality survey. I was calling to ask when you could come in to fill out paperwork."

"Holy Crap!" I almost drop the phone, but I call back quickly. I don't even let Kaylee know that I heard her message, wanting her to say it again. She repeated her message verbatim. Holy crap. I got a job.

"My car is in the shop, so I don't know when I'll get it back so I can come in..."

"I'm off till Wednesday, can you come then?"

"That's perfect! I should have my car by then."

"Great. If anything changes, just call and let us know."

"Okay, thanks."

I hang up, and frantically call people. I'm more nervous than excited about getting the job, especially with my negative thoughts I have been having the past couple of days. People on the phone congratulate me. Mom says something about filling the forms and writing zero...something. I'm not paying attention.

I go upstairs and Josiah calls. Weird timing. I pick up.

"Hey! How's it going?"

"Well, I just got a job!"

"No kidding! At *name of store I got the job at*?"

"Yeah, but wait, how did you know that?"

"Because someone there called me an hour ago as your reference!" (Josiah was my supervisor during one of my internships last summer. We worked with inner-city kids.)

"No way! Oh my gosh! What did you say?"

He apparently said the right thing.

To celebrate, him and Chris pick me up, and swoop me away to the lake. Freedom once again, and no need to worry, because God has it taken care of. Why do I doubt?

I worshiped alone on my guitar tonight, feeling so much gratitude. I heard, and then sang this phrase.

"You gave me Your kingdom without blinking an eye.
You said, 'Give it a try, give it a try.'"

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Interpreting the Momentum Dream

About the Momentum Dream: Today God told me that I really should blog about the dream, instead of just writing it and then leaving it out for interpretation. Basically, He called me out on being lazy. I realized that He was right (surprise, surprise!), so here it goes.

What I have gleaned from a lot of my dreams is that even though we are always in a relationship with Jesus, and, yes, He lives inside of us, there is some kind of line, or boundary, that is there in that relationship. This boundary is the fact that Jesus is not always with us in the same way ALL the time. I think that is why we sometimes feel His presence way stronger than other times. The same goes with God.

I have had a dream in which I'm doing something, and then have to go find God or Jesus, ask them a question about what I'm doing, then leave them to go back to what I was doing.

I have had a dream that I am sitting in a giant warehouse with God as He works on something, and we're hanging out, talking. Then He turns to me and says, "I have to leave to go do something. Wait here until I come back." He leaves the warehouse, and I am alone, waiting.

I have had a dream in which Jesus is with me for a while, and then He leaves. But, His ghost is left behind and goes with me everywhere. And I get letters from Jesus in this dream too.

I'm sure if I researched it all in the Bible, all of this would make lots of sense. I just need to do that. As I said before, I'm lazy.

In the Momentum Dream, I am not walking right beside Jesus, but I am obeying Him. He knows me, and we have a relationship, but I can not be as close to Him yet as I want to be. I am allowed to walk with Him after I walk up the hill. What the hill represents in real life, I do not know. But it seems to represent something I am doing out of obedience, definitely. Obeying Jesus, listening to Him, gets me closer to Him.

Town, or cities, in dreams usually mean the Church. Fields often represent the world...(wow, as I write this all out, the dream is starting to make more sense. stay with me and I'll explain.). The fence in the middle of the field is not closed off, because there is no fencing on one side. It has room underneath it to walk through, even though it doesn't look like enough room to the naked eye.

Jesus told me to go up the hill in town. When I obeyed, I ended up at the top of the field. He was at the bottom of the field when I arrived, and we met in the middle at the fence.

Maybe what this means is that I have to obey Jesus in the Church before I can walk with Him. And when I do obey Jesus in the Church, I end up in the world. Then I walk with Jesus in the world. I wonder if the fence is some sort of boundary that the Church sees from the inside, but when you get to the world, you see that the boundary is actually open and accessible. This may be a part of the world where the world is vulnerable to evil. The reason I think this is because I do not know why Jesus was marching around and through the fence. Was it to protect and guard it? Was there another reason?

Stephanie came to us from the town, so that is good. I think it is good for the Church to go out into the world, because that is what Jesus did in the Bible, and what He seemed to be doing in the dream.

That is what I understand about the dream so far. There is a lot that I don't understand, but I think that God wants to open my eyes to see more of what it means.

Any ideas from you all?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Momentum Dream

I got through 6 minutes of one of Jamie Pridgen's sermons online, before I realized that I would have to finish it later. He said "The Spirit of wisdom and the knowledge of Him" about 120 times in those 6 minutes. I thought, I have got to blog that dream I had, since it gave me wisdom, revelation, and knowledge of Him, even though I don't understand all of it yet.... So here it is.

In the dream, I am walking into a downtown area, onto the main street that goes downhill. Immediately behind me, outside of the downtown buildings, there is a field that goes downhill. There is a metal fence running alongside the other side of the field. Also, in the middle of the field, there is another metal fence that is around a small square of grass, approx 7x7.

I see Jesus walking on the main street. Jesus is a woman, wearing a long, conservative white dress, with brown hair (This reminds of Papa in the book, The Shack.). There is an elderly lady walking with Jesus, also wearing a white dress, with gray hair pulled back in a loose bun.

Entering this dream came with knowing information. I knew that Jesus walked on earth, but he, or in this case, she, also walked through spiritual windows and doors that took her to different places on earth. She liked to keep moving. The elderly lady walked with Jesus through these spiritual windows and doors. I knew that if people walked with Jesus without her saying that they were ready, then their spirits would be so drawn to the spiritual world that they were walking through, that their spirits could be suddenly swept up into heaven. This was not necessarily a bad thing, because our spirits do belong in heaven, but I knew that I didn't want my spirit to go to heaven until the time was right. Besides, the point of being able to walk right beside Jesus wasn't to be swept into heaven, but to be able to be so close to Jesus with her permission. I figured that the elderly lady must have been walking in obedience to what Jesus told her to do for a while to now be walking so closely together.

A spiritual window opened on the main street in front of Jesus and the elderly lady. I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "Hey, Jesus! Can I walk with you?"

Jesus turned and saw me. She yelled back, "No! Walk up the hill and to the field!"

I obediently turned to walk up the hill on the main street, hoping this would get me closer to walking next to Jesus.

After I walked up the street and circled back to the field outside of downtown, I saw Jesus and the elderly lady entering onto the field also, at the bottom of the hill. I was now walking almost directly toward them, and they both started up the hill towards the small square of fence in the middle of the field.

I decided to try again, just in case I was ready, even though I didn't feel like my spirit had changed enough to be safe walking with Jesus. I threw up one hand beside my mouth to call, "Jesus! Can I walk with you now?"

"Yes!" She shouted back, motioning for me to join them both. I was surprised, but so excited to finally be able to walk with Jesus. That was all I wanted. I joined them right when they reached the fence. This was when I noticed that the fence did not close into a square, but had been left open on one side. Also, there was a small opening in the base of a part of the fence, barely three feet wide, and only tall enough for a medium sized dog to walk under. We immediately started walking around the square in a circle. We walked counterclockwise, around, into and then under the small opening at the base of the fence. I noticed that none of us had to duck to walk through the base of the fence, we would just walk under it as if it were tall enough. I kept turning around to glance at the opening, expecting it to be bigger than I remembered the last time I walked through it. But it was always small, as if I were Alice were walking through Wonderland.

After a while of walking around the fence repeatedly, another lady walked up the hill and Jesus welcomed her to join our steady march. Her name was Stephanie, and she also wore a white dress, but also wore a white bonnet, and had curls. Stephanie pulled out her cellphone and sent a message to her friends on facebook, letting them know that Jesus was moving in this area. Soon, many people came to the fence in the middle of the field, and joined the march too, excited to know where Jesus was walking. When they joined though, our direction changed, and our circle was suddenly moving clockwise.

This caused me to now be walking in front of Jesus in the circle. As the people around us were talking and laughing, Jesus leaned forward and started saying something in a low voice. I turned my ear to listen. "I wish that Stephanie hadn't told anyone we were here. I had wanted to have left here by now and be walking somewhere else. Now we'll be here for much longer than I had wanted."

I turned my head back to face forward as we walked around and around, and I processed what Jesus had shared. Jesus could leave at any time. With so many people walking, the momentum of the circle had become so strong that we could not stop unless we jumped out, but that wouldn't stop Jesus. But I knew that Jesus wouldn't leave without her people as long as they walked in the circle, even though she hadn't asked them to come in the first place. She was loyal to them.

I knew that none of the people knew that Jesus wanted to stop the movement. They were just excited to be part of a movement, and didn't want it to end. They had also entered into the routine of the momentum of it, and were used to it.

So we kept walking around and through the tiny opening, over and over. Then I woke up.

I feel like the dream has some layers to it, but is still pretty self-explanatory. Everything that I don't understand I'm just waiting to absorb into my spirit more. So I'm not going to go into any further detail trying to explain it. Let those with ears, hear, and those with eyes, see, ect.


I wanted to make some things clear that I talked about in "Deficit".

When I speak of staying in Georgia, or home, I am not talking about how I don't like living with my family. My family is incredible, and I don't mind living with them at all. It is a huge blessing. I am speaking of feeling isolated living 1-2 hours from my friends. I don't get to see them a lot, and I often crave community. So I want to make friends closer to myself.

I'm sure I could if I just put myself out there. I need to find an outlet to do the time.

Anywho, my family and friends are awesome. Make no mistake about that. I'm simply complaining about location, location, location.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Deficit

It is pretty much 3 in the morning, and I am not tired at all. This is because I ate dark chocolate, forgetting the caffeine that is in every delicious bite. Oh well.

I'm stressed out anyway, so maybe I would already be awake. Job hunting seems to be taking its toll on my emotions, and my emotions were already feeling out of sorts. I have been an angry soul for months now, and I know that it is leaking out. I'm not sure what is causing it. I know that I am frustrated on several levels over different things, but they are not things that I have control over or the power to change. So if that is where the anger is coming from, then angry my soul will stay until it becomes clear how not to be angry.

The things bothering me are the challenges I said I was willing to face in order to grab the wonderful opportunity to have my education mostly paid for by staying in Georgia. These challenges would probably still have to be faced elsewhere, so it probably doesn't matter where I am either way. If I have to bear this, I suspect it is really a small price to pay, and I should be happy. I don't even know why some things bother me so much when I am very blessed.

But it is true that I am bothered anyway, and it is true that my want for other things has me feeling constantly heavy.

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

Psalm 42:3-5

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Respect the clothes.

Ever since I watched The King's Speech, I have begun to greatly admire modest dressing in women. Modesty is something that I always deemed important before, but when I saw that movie, I suddenly began to understand how differently one's clothing can make everyone treat them.

Queen Elizabeth's clothes were so classy, beautiful, and commanding of respect. I knew before that clothes told something about one's self, but I never realized how clothes can also speak of how one views one's self. It was almost distracting me from the actual movie, because Helena Bonham Carter kept stealing the show, lol.

I also just finished watching Melrose Place (I didn't actually finish the entire show. It is seven seasons long, and I didn't even make it through the first season. My two favorite characters started dating, and I decided that there was NO WAY I was going to put myself through six more seasons of torture, watching them break-up and then get back together again and again and again. So I stopped the show there, deciding that that was how I would like to remember it ending.). The show was filmed in the 90s, and I was once again almost distracted by the clothes. The women dressed pretty classy and modest in the 90s, and I was again impressed by how much it encouraged a different response to them in my mind. The shoulder pads didn't even bother me.

It made me want to take a different look at my wardrobe, and examine how I dress and what level of respect my clothes command. Not that I'm going to march around with ankle-length skirts and shoulder pads, but I'm gonna shop with all of this in mind from now on. I was looking through a store today while checking on a job that I interviewed for (they still haven't decided), and was pleased by how there really ARE a lot of classy clothes out there.

Anyway, I need to get back to bed. I slept for 3 hours, then woke up wide awake. Time to crawl back between the sheets.

Casey Anthony

Here are my mom's thoughts on the Casey Anthony case. She is a very wise woman, and I believe she is right on.

"I, like everyone else, was grieved and sickened by the death of Caylee Anthony and the events surrounding her death. But, no matter what one may think of the Casey Anthony verdict, our justice system worked today as it was set-up to work. A verdict of "Not Guilty" was rendered by a jury of Ms. Anthony's peers due to the fact that there was still some reasonable doubt of her guilt as the murderer of her child. I, for one, thank God that these jurors abided by that standard rather than any personal or public prejudice over Casey Anthony. I am thankful that in this country there is still such a standard and that one is innocent until proven guilty--unlike many other "judicial systems" in this world where one is considered guilty until proven innocent; or where citizens are all viewed with suspicion and treated in kind by those holding legal authority; or where prejudice does decide innocence or guilt.

Ultimately, there will be justice for the death of little Caylee. There is a God who sees and knows all. Vengeance belongs to Him and He will repay. He is also not mocked-- for there is a reaping of what is sowed."

Monday, July 4, 2011

See? Reading magazines does make you think.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table at Mother Joan and Howard's, my grandma and grandpa, tonight, flipping through a small fraction of her collection of magazines. I find an article that has something to do with families being so tech focused. There is a drawing of a family riding in a car together, with bluetooths, laptops, Ipads, cellphones, and the like. I point it out to Mom. "See, I don't really see what is wrong with this. I'm thinking it's okay to embrace it, since it's just the way life is today."

Mom glances at the article, then walks backwards a few steps to rest a hand on the counter. "I read an article about that too recently. The guy was saying that all of the tech stuff is blocking out our creativity."

The vision that I had had about television creating clouds over my brain flashed into, well, my brain. Crap.

"Well," I sputtered, "It can't be all bad. People are still creating things!"

"But you see Jon not wanting to paint or write anymore. He just sits in that chair on his laptop all day."

Crap again. "But what about the people creating the games that he plays?" Why was I arguing when I should be agreeing? Make me stop!

"But the article wasn't talking about creating those things. It was talking about painting."


"And things like that."


Short pause. Than I spoke again. "I did officially decide to not get a Twitter account. I realized that I would just be compacting my thoughts into one sentence, and putting them out there. I don't want to do that. Instead, I started blogging more. That's creative, right?"

Mom responded with enthusiasm to my somewhat pathetic attempt to soothe myself into believing I was a little right. "Yeah! That's good!"

But really, guys. This was something that I was actually thinking about earlier today. I had been thinking about how I, myself, don't paint. I'm much quicker to watch 2 episodes of the original Melrose Place back to back. I wait to practice the guitar at night, right before bed. Or I'll read my book right before bed. Yesterday I was thinking about how I used to write stories, and how I should get into that again. Even keeping up with the news, in the world and in the church. I keep phasing in and out of that too.

See, I don't want to be legalistic and say that television, movies, texting, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, or any of that is bad. And I really don't believe it is bad. But, like anything, I have to use self-control. It would be the same with painting, writing, and guitar playing if I did that too much. I would have to make the choice to stop, so it doesn't eat up my life.

I know that I am constantly reexamining my priorities, but I'm okay with that now, because I'm constantly growing. And things around me are constantly changing and making me want to cope by doing different things. That's okay, but I can't let any of that become a habit that eats up my days and nights. I've gotta get control over myself. Self-control and self-worth is something that Jesus recently promised to give me recently. I didn't know what He meant by that at the time, but I bet this is it, or part of it.


After I wrote my blog yesterday, I had this strong urge to watch Chaos Theory, a movie that came out in 2008. I hadn't seen the trailer for it, but it had come up on my Instant View on Netflix. So, without knowing what the movie was about, I watched it. I got really into it, and was enjoying waiting to see how it all turned out at the end. As the climax passed and I was hoping for the story to have a happy ending, the main character, Frank, suddenly started talking about forgiveness. He said, "How do I forgive her?"

Huh, I thought. That's a...coincidence.... Or maybe it wasn't.

Before I had even started the movie, I thought about 1 Corinthians 13. I thought that it may be a good chapter to meditate on while I was asking Jesus to help me understand forgiveness.

I'm watching this movie that turns out to be about forgiveness, and moving past mistakes that we make that hurt other people in our lives. I know that I can't punish other people for being human. I know that I can't punish myself. Other people shouldn't try to punish me either.

The movie is wrapping up, and Frank seems to have everything kinda figured out. He says, " turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flight of stairs. It's always changing depending on what's happening out there. It's an erratic son of a b****. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt that makes us human."

By now, I'm gawking at the screen, and swiping any thought that watching this movie was a coincidence off the deck.

I can't possibly expect myself to love others as Jesus does, but I know that I can make the choice every day to love others anyway. I can walk it out, and learn, and trust Jesus to keep turning me into something that I am currently not.

And I can pick up my Bible and read, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal..."

Sunday, July 3, 2011

What does it mean to forgive?

I am forgiven by Jesus. When friends don't forgive me though, when they don't forget, then I still fight feeling guilty over things that I don't need to be ashamed I did.

I woke up this morning feeling that guilt, after having a dream that brought up mistakes from my past. It reminded me that everything I say and do can have a lasting affect on those around me, those I care about. I hate that I have ever caused friends pain just because I didn't think something through all the way. I have apologized, but this dream made me think back, and realize, that those friends did make me in some way pay for what I have done, and we are now not friends. Their choice. So I woke up wondering how we are supposed to forgive each other, and...have I forgiven those around me, or am I just as bad as these ex-friends of mine?

I don't think that I can forgive without Jesus helping me. And I don't think that my friends, or ex-friends, or anyone, can either. So I can't not forgive my ex-friends for making me feel the guilt, and I would need to forgive them anyway, even if they had wanted me to feel the guilt, and it hadn't been accidental.

So, Jesus. I need help. I don't know how to do this, and I don't want to try without You. Forgiveness is a word that I have heard so much, I believe that I take it for granted. Know that I don't want to anymore. I want to find forgiveness rooted in my heart. I want it to grow in a branch on my tree. I want it to come from You, I want it in my nature.

And I don't want anyone else controlling how I feel, because Forgiveness is real, and I have it. I don't need to be ashamed or feel guilty for any mistakes.

"Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell" Matthew 10:28

I know my soul is safe, so no need to fear! Help this fact get rammed into my brain.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Too much Barry Watson

I walked out of watching I Am Number Four tonight. I think my family decided to stick with it, even though they were laughing at the script constantly. It came across as a really bad version of Twilight, and Twilight is bad enough (read the first book, and watched the first movie. Didn't enjoy either experience, but it gave me a glimpse of what is making all the teenage girls go gaga.).

Plus Barry Watson was in it. It makes me feel a bit shameful, but it took me a total of 5 seconds to recognize him when he guest starred in Drop Dead Diva last year. That doesn't sound bad, except he was wearing clown paint, a clown wig, and clown clothes for the first 3 quarters of the show. I recognized him because I knew his voice so well from watching Samantha Who? (Andrea was my favorite character, btw. I thought Todd, Barry Watson's character, was a loser, and wanted Samantha to end up with the filthy rich, dark and handsome man. "You mean you weren't rooting for the underdog? The artsy, clingy, and whiny photographer?" No. I was not. But, come to think of it, Samantha always rubbed me the wrong way too. Anyways...)

Hanging out with the girls from last summer's program was fun. Their mom answered the door, and at first, I thought that she must be hunched over. Never had I felt so tall. It took me several seconds to regain my composure, but she didn't notice. My height didn't bother her either, and she gestured me in, the tall, redhead who felt like she was suddenly 8 feet tall, with a welcoming smile on her face.

When I got home, I was telling this story to Mom and Dad. They laughed, and asked me the names of the girls. I said, "Chocolate and Kooley and--" I was cut off.


"Well, those aren't their real names. But that is what they call each other, and I call them that too, out of habit." I told them their real names.

Mom jokingly said, "So...those are their street names?"

"...yeah." I guessed this close to was right. I had honestly never given it much thought last summer.

The girls and I went to a park nearby that has a beach on a lake. It wore us all out, though. Me first, I guess because I'm getting "old" or something. Now I'm contemplating whether or not to go to the gym, which got me thinking about why I wanted to go to the gym when I am so tired. That made me think about what I don't like about my body, which made me feel moody, which made me SNAP out of it.

Why do I feel bad about my body? Why am I moody? What is wrong with my life????

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. My life is awesome. My body is pretty great too. Why do I want to pick everything apart and create a problem? There is no problem!

This then made me think about how self-absorbed I must be, that I have to create a problem like that. Geez. "Whoa is me" attitudes get on my nerves, but I guess I put one on too sometimes.

Better check myself. The gym is for getting stronger, being healthier, and remembering how strong I have already become. I enjoy my body being in shape, but I can't let it be all about looks, or else I'm doomed to never be happy with myself.

Friday, July 1, 2011

This is real, and lasting.

I needed to write another blog. My fingers have been rapping the keyboard all day, wanting to, but I held off. Then I decided that it is MY blog, so why not?

My favorite CD of the year arrived on my doorstep this past weekend, which meant it was waiting for me on my desk, where my family lovingly put it for me. It was a beautiful sight when I walked in at 3 in the morning, just to see that brown paper package, with my name on it, holding a prize.

Falling Up is the name of the band. There new CD is called "Your Sparkling Death Cometh". They are my favorite band, hands down. The genius behind it is Jesse Ribordy, the lead singer, and reason the band exists. I have not heard any other person's music that makes me feel like his creations make me feel. They carry me into a place that has a hidden location, access granted only to the few and the proud who listen to his music.

So, buy their new album. Buy all of Falling Up's CDs. And, are they Christian? Yes, yes they are. :)
First track on the new album.

In other news, while talking to my friend, and unofficially adopted brother, Matt, I seem to have inspired him to pursue a healthier lifestyle (he already seems healthy, just to be clear). This is exciting, and not to make it all about me, is exciting to invoke that kind of response. He had asked me to share what was behind my new pursuit of becoming a dietitian. When I shared the large nutshell of my story, he responded by saying that he wanted to start making some changes also. The intent of sharing my story had not been to create a stir in him, so it made me happy to know that it is easier and more natural to help others want to make changes than I thought previously. All I have to do is be my honest self (thanks again, Mister Rogers), because that is what God has given me.

Another happening is that while at the gym today, I was watching a commercial break, and a commercial that I immediately perceived to be pretty perverse started playing. I stared at the wall in front of me, and felt my eyebrows narrowing downward. I'm disgusted, I thought. My reaction was a little surprising, but not as much as the feelings that suddenly seemed to be deposited in me by an outside source.

I'm hanging out with some teenage girls tomorrow afternoon. A couple of them were at the summer camp I helped lead last summer. We're friends of Facebook, and I have seen how much perverse worldly ideals impact them, and I also saw it firsthand last summer.

Staring at the gym wall, those girls were suddenly brought to my mind, and I saw how serious it was that they were being so influenced by perverse ways, and how they had been taught to embrace these ways. The same thing that the girls were dealing with was in that commercial, and I was immediately grieved, and VERY angry. I was jogging on the treadmill, and I started upping my pace so that I was running, feeling like I had to be moving faster in order to thrash any appearance of perverseness away from those precious girls. They have no idea how their futures will most certainly be affected if they continue to acknowledge worldly ideals as normal, and just a way of being young.

It made me so upset, and I knew that Jesus was showing me something that He felt everyday. These feelings, this uncontrollable need to CARE, this was not me. It felt the same as when I was in South Georgia this last weekend, and I started yelling at all those people in that church. It was not something that came naturally to me everyday, especially lately, since I've let go of trying to make myself do anything spiritual on my own. This was Jesus, taking the lead that I have finally given to Him. It is so much better, and easier, than trying to care all by myself. This is Him revealing His heart to me. This is real, and lasting.

This is such a cliche, but...


and I'll just throw it in there...


New look for my blog and for my life.

I'd been wanting to change the look of my blog for weeks now. I'm tempted to have multiple blogs, with separate parts of my life in each, but I can't put my life in compartments. It all flows together.

My life is anything but bleak, and I didn't want my blog to give off that feeling. This is a picture of my brother, Jon, and I messing around outside. It was time for a new look. :) I'll probably change it more often now, but my goal will always remain the same.

I had a dream a couple years ago, in which I was hanging out at a youth group that I had been attending at the time. In the dream, I was wondering how long I should keep going to this youth group. We were all playing games and being silly, laughing with each other, when I got a letter. It was put in my hand, and I opened it. It was from God. All it said was, "Follow the laughter."

And from then on, that has been my #1 rule when it comes to staying somewhere. If there is laughter, if there is joy, I stay.

Dad, Jon, and I watched It's Kind of a Funny Story last night. We were expecting it it to be great, but not epic. And it was epic. There were so many surprises around every corner, and Dad kept saying, "This is so real!" Which was kinda sad, but we knew it was true. We have all seen enough in our family to know that much.

Anyway, the movie was very smart and funny. This was impressive, since it deals with serious topics, such as suicide, depression, and mental illnesses.

Here is a song from the trailer, which got stuck in my head and became the soundtrack to all of the dreams I had last night.

Chop, chop!

The road trip went so well. I am almost beyond words, almost. One of the places we went to was a church in south Georgia. I wasn't sure what my part was there. I was part of a ministry team, but hadn't gotten an exact definition of what the leader wanted to happen, because he was being open to whatever God wanted to do. So I told God I was open too. Whatever He wanted me to do, if He let me know, I would do it. The thing was...I didn't WANT to do anything. I thought about how I didn't have any desire to minister to anyone as we were driving the long hours to the church. I thought about how selfish I've been lately, even mean. There was no way I was going to be able to reach out and pray for people without feeling like I had a disease.

At the same time, I still felt the reassurance that I have blogged about. It is OKAY for me to be feeling this way and being who I am. But I also knew that I really have wanted to pray for people in the past. So what was the deal?

At the church that evening, our team was going to lead worship, so they started rehearsing. I started dancing a tiny bit in front of the stage, moving back and forth, asking God to let us know what to do. There was a lot of freedom in the building, so I thought I would dance during the worship.

I did dance, and it felt comfortable. I started feeling excited to be here with all of these people who I didn't know. I was excited to see them excited, because a lot of them were. Then, I suddenly became overwhelmed with gratitude for everything that Jesus has ever done for me. I turned to face the congregation and started weeping, and then screaming. Before I could stop myself, my body started leaping in the air, spinning, twirling, flying through the air. I lost control, and felt like I had no other choice but to move rapidly around the room, yelling at people "God loves YOU! He did it for YOU!"

So I knew that some of them thought I had lost it, and they were right. I had lost any care of what they thought of me. The others though, the others started throwing their hands in the air, and then some even came up front with me, and we all jumped and danced together! It felt like we were suddenly at a party.

I ended up having a vision on the trip. It was one of my first in a while. Jesus and I were standing in front of our tree, the one we lean against as we have coffee time. I hadn't been here in a while, and was glad to see familiar surroundings. But then I looked at the tree. It had been chopped down. "YOU CHOPPED DOWN OUR TREE!"
Jesus said, "Look again, Jenny."
I looked. The thick stump still in the ground.
"You are still rooted and grounded in Me."
My eyes widened as I realized that the tree had represented myself the whole time. I had not known that. I then shook my head as I realized further that I was going through a season of pruning (John 15). I had wondered why I couldn't get myself to do anything spiritual lately. Well, now I knew why. Jesus had chopped down not one branch, not two, but every single one. The whole tree was down, and now all I had were my roots. There was no fruit that I could see in my life because no branches were there to produce it. Everything made sense.
I turned back to Jesus. "No wonder I see you here so much!"
"Just settle in, just settle into it, Jenny. You will grow soon."

When I thought of how selfish I had been being, and how I just couldn't make myself change so I could love everyone, Jesus looked into my eyes with enough force to make me know that He meant every word He was about to say, and He wanted to make sure I knew. "Jenny, I know you are hard."
Whoa. Ouch. But relief flooded me with this statement.
"I know that you are hard, but I want to soften you, and I don't want it to be hard, and it is not going to hurt you."
I still thought of all the songs that I had written, telling Jesus how I was tired of trying so hard, and wanted to just be selfish. I hated knowing that I had said those things, but I didn't know how to stop it.
Jesus said, "No! I want you to be selfish and mean, because I need to see that part of you. I need to see all of you so that I can soften those things. I'm going to smooth the edges."

We talked for a while longer, and Jesus told me how He wanted to change me so that it was my nature to love! I couldn't change myself, no matter how hard I tried. So now He was going to do it for me.

It's a wonderful thing, knowing that Jesus understands us more than we do, and knows exactly what we need. He will give it to us if we let Him.