Monday, September 5, 2011
I'm not good enough.
So I went to go sleep, but I could not sleep. I was in my bed, completely exhausted, not sleeping.
And I kept thinking about the dream that I had last night, knowing that I needed to actually go over it with God. Not the one I had during my nap. No. I had another one. I have not been having dreams from God for a while. Well, I did have one a couple weeks ago, but that was it. The meaning of that one was obvious.
This dream just makes me sad. I hate it when God does that. He loves me so much, and has to give me these dreams to make me realize how much he loves me and that I need to LET him love me.
How do I do that? I can't even let my family and friends love me. I am never going to be good enough for him or anyone else to love me. I fail. I fail, I fail, I fail. If anyone knew the real me, I doubt they would think I was sane.
And this is what it boils down to; the fact that I don't ever want anyone to know me keeps me from knowing God.
I know that I don't have to be good. The point of grace is not having to be good, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a good person. Even when I want to be good, it is only so that way I'll feel good. That reason is selfish, which means that even when I am being good, I am actually not good. You following?
But do other people understand that? I'm not sure. I certainly don't understand. I hate what I have done. I can not forgive myself. I keep bringing it up everyday. My closet is stuffed full of dirty laundry, and I can't let God throw it out. How do I let him do that? I don't know how.
I need to be a dead person. I need to let myself be dead. I have to be dead to the world. Dead to sin. Dead to perfect. Dead to good. Face the fact that I am never going to be good enough for Jesus. I am never going to be good enough for anyone. And I have to believe that that is okay. I can let the dirty laundry go, and not acknowledge it anymore. I have to believe that it isn't there in my past anymore, waiting to come out and haunt me. I need to stop believe the lie that my sin is still there, waiting to judge me. I am the only one who is judging in this situation. I see no one else pointing fingers except myself.