Friday, October 28, 2011

Dreams about my downtime

God has been making sure that I know my television shows aren't a bad thing. At the same time, he has given me wisdom to use, and wisdom tells me that I need to stop if I'm going to be obedient on the course ahead of me, that course being school. Time just doesn't allow for all of the downtime that I wish I had.

I have had two dreams in which God has shown me how I can still unwind thoroughly during my downtimes, but keep them shorter than they would be if I kept unwinding by watching my shows.

The first one, I am sitting outside in a forest, on the edge of a natural pool. The dream lasts a while, and covers several trips I take to the pool. During each trip, I sit down and either think or read. Sometimes a girlfriend is sitting with me in my space. A witch (ofcourse a witch would come disturb my beautiful dream) eventually finds me there and gets in my space. The dream ends with me having to repeatedly remind her what my boundaries are and that she HAS to respect them. Her argument is that I let my girlfriend into my space, so why can't I let her? But I have to stand firm and not feel bad that I have different boundaries with them both.

The second one I had this morning. I am in a gymnastics group that travels and performs/competes. I have to remind those in my group that they are good whenever they feel insecure about their capabilities, and they in turn encourage me to remain strong too.

On a regular (almost daily) basis, I go find a closet or private space and cry from a very deep place inside me. I am very grieved of spirit during my travels, and only allow myself a small time to expel this grief, but I do it religiously. One time, a friend who has come to see my routine finds me in a closet after I have finished crying, and says, "I don't know how you do it all without going crazy!" Then she sees an open journal in front of me, full of writing, and says, "Oh! You journal. That explains it." I then think about it and realize that leaning on my journal to God really is helping me.

The last time I went to grieve right before the dream ended, a tall, beautiful lady followed me. When I knelt down and started crying, she put her hand on my shoulder and started praying for me. She prayed that I would have the strength to not watch the shows I want to watch so badly, so I have time to do everything I have to do.

Then I woke up.

It is funny how that last dream I didn't want to think was from God, even though it was so obviously so. I think this is mainly because I don't REALLY want to think God is paying me so much attention. It makes everything I do all the time so much more personal, and I want to remain aloof to what happens to me everyday, and not believe that it all counts for something. But everything counts, and everything matters. It is all more vastly and deeply important than I know right now, and it is affecting me daily.

No way.

I have no idea where my youth went. I didn't even know what youth was until it left, but I guess it was that look into the distant (or near) future and seeing nothing but bright lights and hope and wonderful. Ofcourse it was all going to be okay. Why wouldn't it be?

I think that it was the past year that brought about this change, the change being me not seeing bright lights anymore. I just see life, long and steady, the shoreline is ready to meet me, and we'll keep the same pace once we get there. The past year showed me how God is not black and white, and my destiny is not all about my happiness. Most days I'm probably not going to feel so good about it all, but I press on anyway, because I have to be obedient. If I quit now, what was the point of all these years? I'm just going to quit when it gets tough? No way. Then I never loved him at all.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hard work. Dedication.

I thought that once I got out of Exodus I would be done with the Laws, but no.... Leviticus is all about offerings right now. I am SO glad that we don't have to worry about that now. THANK YOU JESUS FOR DYING FOR ME AND SAVING ME FROM THE TEDIOUSNESS OF THE LAW! WOOHOO!

I hit rock bottom this week in school. This is always a good thing, to hit rock bottom, because I bounce up real fast. And that is exactly what I did. Gotta take things seriously. Gotta have hard work and dedication. Gotta remember that hard work > talent. Gotta inch it up and forward, inching, inching, inching. Gotta do it!

It's gonna be awesome when it is all done. So worth it. Dietetics, so excited to get to pursue you.

And having a personal trainer is keeping me motivated. Wesley is pushing me harder and harder, little by little. He is so nice that I expect him to be nice...but then he inches the resistance level higher on a machine, or ups the weights, or tells me to go as fast or hard as I can, and then it is ON, or as he likes to say, "Rock n' roll!"

Saving my money for Cuba too, and getting a bit of support. I'm thankful for this job right now fo sho. Money is tight for everyone right now, and I am happy to be able to pay a chunk of the way myself.

Alright. Good night!

Friday, October 14, 2011


I will not be sleeping much, due to working a morning shift. Morning shifts aren't my favorite. I am not a morning person. I will be drinking coffee...lots of coffee...or another caffeinated drink.

I would like to visit Fairmount Park at some point in my life. It seems like a nice place.

My legs were in much pain during my shift tonight due to Zumba last night and doing lower half strength training with Wesley (my personal trainer) this morning. Looking forward to goodnight.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


I made a B on my precalculus test last night. Yes! So excited.

I love that "it's a new day" feeling I get whenever I finish a test. It makes me want to push myself a little harder to get it right. I feel like the bee in Bee Movie who kept flying into the glass over and over, "This time, this time, this time!" Except there is no glass. I just gotta keep flying to make it past the window. :)

I have started having intercessory dreams again. Thank. The Lord. I had seriously not wanted them for the past few months, and that was cool with God. We had been working on other things anyway. But now I have been craving praying for others on a deep level again! It opens up my heart to love more, and helps me feel connected to others. I NEED that right now. I started listening to a lot of talk radio (The R!OT is my fave show) just to get some kind of people time. Praying helps an extrovert feel a little closer to other souls.

I really want a puppy. For the past two days I've been craving constant and loyal company. I know I can't get one right now because of time and money and living with my family, but one is so happening.

Looking forward to Cuba. I will definitely have my share of company then...I'll probably get sick of it, lol. But I want to be close to the body. I have definitely taken it for granted in the past. I need to get in there somehow.

I also want to watch The Thing. It actually isn't a horror, but an interesting science fiction movie. I looohahahaooooove sci fi. Which reminds me...I need to bump some sci fi shows up on Netflix.

Gotta love Hayley Williams.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

"But it will be okay."

"I think I may have to drop a class." I have two tests on Wednesday and I am FREAKING inside.

God says, "Jenny, it's all going to be okay."

"How can it be? I have no time to study for TWO tests!"

"I know. But it will be okay."

"I just don't get you sometimes."

This is the conversation we had as I was walking into Biology lab on Monday. I had skipped the Biology class before to go ahead and start studying, and arrived to lab a few minutes late. When I entered the lab, my energetic friend, Debbie, rushes over to me. She had thought I wasn't going to show up at all since I didn't make it to class. At first she is talking about how we are going to have to do the activities without the other half of our group, since they seem to have definitely skipped. Then she notices how I am slumped over the table, my face telling the story of how I am NOT looking forward to this day at all.

"We can do this!" She exclaims. "We're just as smart as the other two."

"I know. Actually, we're smarter. I found that out last week when you weren't here. They wouldn't slow down long enough to let me do anything, then they did the activities wrong."


"Yes. But I just can't believe I have two tests on Wednesday."

Debbie stops flipping through her notebook and looks at me over her shoulder slyly, lowering her voice as if about to spill some juicy gossip. "He moved our test to NEXT Wednesday."

My jaw drops. An entire extra week to study and finish reading my text? As quickly as this information made its way through my ears to my brain was right when I recalled the conversation I had with God walking into lab. It really WAS going to be okay. I beamed back at Debbie as we snickered at our luck. I could now concentrate on the steps we were supposed to be following in the lab notebook.

"What's the first step?" I asked as I looked over Debbie's shoulder. And we sashayed around the lab like giddy teenage girls primping for a date, gathering our supplies together, and for the first time ever, actually having fun during Biology lab.

The power a viewpoint has on every moment in our lives. I have to remember that. It will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Waka, waka!

I went to Zumba tonight for the first time with Mom. I really am out of shape! I had to stop and sit down for 10 minutes because I thought I was going to spew. Mom said that I turned white as a sheet, and the teacher came up to me afterward and asked if I had heart problems. The truth is that I ate poorly today. I ate excellent yesterday, but I just didn't have an appetite today. Bad excuse though, because I know better.

I've been knocked out all night because of the class. I had SO MUCH fun though! I am completely sold. Getting to shake my booty like I did in the old days was such a blessing. The Zumba teacher, Maria, said the same thing that Wesley said to me..."Trust the process." Okay, okay! I get it already.

I talked to the leader of the trip to Cuba today! She is so nice, and was joking with me. So happy that they don't seem legalistic at all! It's gonna be a good trip, I can already tell. It will definitely challenge me to grow up more, but I want that so much right now.

I got a lot of stuff on my mind (I need to go running).

The song I'm loving right now! Anything Adele is just sooo gooood.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"Blame it on my ADD."

My podcasts won't play on Wisteria II, on account of her not being an iPod. FINE!

So I started Personal Training this week. My trainer is Wesley, and he is a good soul. I have done 2 of the 3 sessions for this week, and plan to do once a week after this. I did not realize how weak I was until he was having me stretch. I really miss my old body these days. I was fine with it until a couple months ago...then I started to remember how amazing I was when I was dancing. Not comparing myself to anyone else, because if I did, then I would still be considered to be strong. But comparing myself to myself, I am such a sissy right now.

And I'm not sure I'm okay with that anymore. I'm ready to be pushed to the brink, and then over it. Luckily, Wesley is smarter than me and is urging me to trust the process. Gosh. I miss being strong SO BAD.

I'm not good at studying so much either. I do study, but not as much as I should be. The plan is to ground myself at school tomorrow. I have two tests next week on the SAME DAY. Life is hard, but life is good. I guess it is time to be pushed in every area of my life.

It either did or didn't help that I watched Stick It. I identified with too much of that movie, but who can say no to Jeff Bridges? Nope, can't do it, can you? Thought so.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

"This is how I show my love."

Wow. The problem really was me thinking that I needed to change. I had not realized that I was in a constant state of thinking that I could be just a little bit better if I tried hard enough. So I was constantly trying, and constantly striving, and constantly failing.

Today I just was, and it was AMAZING! What is even more amazing is that I felt like I did when I was kid. I didn't feel the need to judge myself. I didn't have any reason to think that anything I was doing was wrong.

And I realized how I had really made a mess of things whenever I began to believe the lie that I needed to change the way I live. I was living just fine. I wasn't constantly navel-gazing, worrying that I was doing something wrong or wasting time. I just lived, abiding in the vine. I was so care-free! I still had responsibilities and activities, but I was able to enjoy them.

Today it was suddenly there, the same as it was before, the way I lived as a child. I floated around all day. It. Was. AMAZING!

I also realized the existence of RadioU's Worst of the R!OT podcast on iTunes! I put one of those suckers onto Wisteria II, and my car ride to Advisement today was so much fun! I had forgotten how funny Obadiah and Nikki are. I am currently downloading all of their podcasts and putting them onto Wisteria II. Oh yes. This, and my audio book, and my IHOP teachings, and my music...I am so set. (I was listening to Rick Pino also, and OMGOSH! That totally go my mind in a great place before work.) Not to mention the catching up I sometimes get to do with my friends on the phone. I am determined to stay positive about all the time I have to spend driving. It does not have to be a miserable time, and so it won't.

So away I SAIL.

Monday, October 3, 2011

"I just wanna walk you home."

I basically feel like I will always be the same person. I thought that by now I'd be more pulled together, but I think that this is it. Every time I think that Jesus is going to change me...well...he never does. Instead he just looks at me and says, "I love you." or "I know you can do this." And he isn't loving future me, or talking about a future me doing something. He is talking about me right now. So I gotta just use what I got.

And I got a lot whenever I actually do use it. So this should be famously good.

Song of the day.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Songs of the hour

Dream: Traveling down Africa

In my dream, I had been assigned to help a group cross from one side of Africa to the other. The group consisted of people of different ages and in different stages of life. There were single people, families, ect. Each person in this group had their own assignment that they were to complete while crossing Africa. Everyone was very focused on their individual assignments.

Although I do not know who assigned me to the group, it was not the lady who was over the group and its mission in Africa entirely. She was not aware of my assignment, and was not to me notified of it in any way. This was because she had a legalistic mindset, and would not understand my purpose. So I worked in secret.

At first I went from person to person, or family, in the group, making sure they were completing their assignments as well as the journey. It came to a point though where the stress of what they were having to do was taking its toll on everyone. Worried about the people, I began to switch them with each other temporarily. For example, I switched one lady who was traveling with her husband and baby with a single college-aged man. The lady had become very stressed trying to complete her assignment, travel, and also take care of her baby. When I had them switch temporarily, it allowed the lady to be relieved of the stress and clear her head before switching back.

I traveled all through Africa, sometimes reversing my steps in order to help people. I found that the best way to help the group travel faster and produce high quality work ethics in their assignments was to keep them switching roles, back and forth, amongst each other.

By the time I reached the bottom of Africa I had grown to love the people so much that it made me cry to think of how I would soon have to leave them. But I knew that I had to leave so that the lady in charge would not known what I had done to help them finish. It was for the safety of the group.

I returned to the top of Africa and was able to see all of the group finishing their assignments and journey. I watched the single college-aged man carrying a baby carrier and walking beside the father. The man could not see me watching, but I saw that he had started crying also as he watched the lady he had switched roles with. I looked at the rest of the group, and saw numerous people start crying or be overcome with strong emotion. I was able to hear what they were thinking, and they too were overwhelmed with the love that had grown between all of them throughout the journey. It was only because they started switching roles with one another that this love was able to be planted and grow, because before they had been consumed with their singular assignments, and had not been extending the hand to help each other. They had learned and truly experienced empathy, and realized how precious it is to recognize the stress in each other lives. Once they switched roles and experienced it for themselves, they realized how real the cause of the stress was. This made them admire the strength the other had for enduring the trials it took to complete the assignments and the journey. It was incredible to behold the entire group being unified at such a deep level with such unbreakable bonds.

I did not even notice my tears anymore as I watched them love each other so openly and without shame. We all now realized that this journey was not about completing the assignments. It was not about being in Africa and getting to travel down it. It was about learning and getting to empathize with each other. It was about looking around and recognizing what the person beside us was going through and getting to help them through it.

It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen and had the privilege to be a part.

But then I woke up and realized that it was just a dream, and had to wonder how I could begin to see that happen.

And tonight I realize that it starts with me.

"Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:14

"Bear one anothers' burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

Hey there still, small voice.

I was thinking about one of the books I read last year, The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul by Douglas Adams. It is one of my favorite books I have had the pleasure to read so far, and God took the time to speak to me so much through it, and he continues to to this day. This is proof to me that God uses all things for the good of those who love him, even a secular novel.

Tonight he was telling me that, much like the main character in the book, I would not be able to move forward and be happy until I live for a much different purpose.

This seems easy, since I have not seemed to have much of an overall purpose or goal for quite some time. When I have, they have been WRONG. Dead wrong, and God has had to correct me and teach me through it.

Now God was reminding me how the main character, Dirk Gently, could not be raised from his gloomy and murky depression until he began to live his life outside of his own. His depression and way of life had to be invaded, rudely interrupted, in order to shake him awake. Characters who he had not touched in any way before had to matter to him. He had to begin to help them and exist to finish what he had started. He had to want to reach out. He had to begin to teach others what he had learned but forgotten.

(This actually also happened in The Visitation by Frank Peretti. I highly recommend both books, but The Visitation is the one with the Christian author.)

God wants me to do this also. I think that is part of what Cuba is about, and also the dream a had a couple days ago...but that is another blog...which I'll probably write after I finish this one.

So I think this is why I suddenly feel so old, yet so useless. Why I feel not good enough for anyone or anything. Because I AM useful. I AM good enough for someone and something. But the devil is a liar, and is trying to keep me here. Keep me fed with my own apathy, complacency, and depression. Why stop here though? Why not give it a fight?

So away I go.