Monday, November 14, 2011

What I Want

I need a sign.

Anywho, I dropped out of school. A friend said, "Maybe you should say that you're just putting it on hold for now." But, no. I feel pretty done actually. Not seeing that changing any time soon, or later.

I realized that I didn't want the degree I was going for. Took me a little while, but I'm glad I know. I'm much happier, have more time to spend with friends and family. Have more time to dedicate to church and ministry once I find one and get involved. Just more time to do what really matters to me. It's all good.

But I do need a sign. So, please, God, show me CLEARLY. I want no doubt in my mind.

Working on loving myself also.

Much love, Jenny.

Friday, November 11, 2011

That moment when everything is forgotten because everything is new.

Want something like that again.

I am coming to realize how I do not love myself like I should. I have no respect for my intelligence, my health, my mind, my spirit. I just cut myself up. I'm beginning to realize this, beginning to realize that I need to shut it off, and beginning to realize that I don't know how.

Where does this come from? No one knows (they are not telling me anywho), but I want it to stop. I feel sick most of the time, so I put things in my mouth to relieve the stress (not even eating, and not even unhealthy, just SOMETHING, like chewing gum).

Where does it lead to? Most likely death, or death of conscious. Either way, no good. So it needs to go away.

Go away. I can't live like this anymore. Go, go, go.

In other news, I have started my church hunt officially. I got pointed in a good direction from a good friend, Dorsey. He's a good egg, with an eloquent way with words. Here is an example from the email I just received in answer to my question of where he was attending church services. (Just highlight the following, as I don't know how to make it better, aka fix it.)

Mine Sister! ...

...I'm super glad to hear that you are seeking a church body to fellowship with because I deeply value and am motivated by the desire and dependency God has given us for community. I think intimate community with the righteous is perhaps God's most obvious vehicle for personal growth, encouragement, and up-building, and to me, the bigger the family, the better (not that we'll all have the same relationships in that family, but I think and I see more and more every one counting). So, I just want to encourage you to really settle in with some folk, wherever the Spirit leads you, or if He lets you pick, wherever you choose, because it is a good thing--a very good thing--and I believe it is God's desire and intention for us. It's amazing what God can and does do with ten, a hundred, a thousand imperfect people being sanctified day by day, from one degree of glory to the next, until the Day of our Lord Jesus, when God completes the good work He began and has carried within us. ....

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Puzzle pieces

Been wanting to post for a while, but I have so much to say. It's my blog though, so what the hay.

I have realized that I had not let go of The Well and the wonderful group of people that I met there. I was subconsciously expecting the meetings, or something like it, to happen again. But I realize that it is not, and I realize that life is going on without me. I have been spiritually in the same spot I feel for months, although I know that is not true. God is teaching me a lot right now, the main thing being listening to the wisdom He has given me without feeling like I have to wait for his promptings. If I see something that needs to be done, I should just do it. And if something needs to be said, I should say it. God trusts me, and it is time I learn to trust myself.

So I have begun church hunting. I haven't attended a church yet, but I am looking to go this Sunday if all goes well with my work schedule. I need to move on, let go, not expect what I expected before from the group of friends I had made the past several years. It is a new season, and I need to embrace this fact. I need to come to terms with the truth that I need a support group spiritually, something I have not had in a long, long time. But no fear! Wisdom is here, and kicking me off the couch and into the community.

I also can't get Same Kind of Different As Me (the book and true story) out of my head. It is about a homeless man, and though it touched my heart as I read it, a few months later it is breaking my heart. I have to do something. I have to go help in some way. The day after I realized this, I got wind from a friend that there is an amazing soup kitchen (or something similar) that is fairly close. I could go help! I really want to, not for the bragging, but for the lives that could be change and affected by Jesus in me. Jesus is in all Christians, and he makes us exist with a piece of the puzzle. I'm just on my way to finding out where that puzzle piece fits.

That is how I feel about church hunting. I may not get it right the first tries, but there is a piece that fits with mine! I just need to keep bumping into other pieces to make sure until I find the right one. It may take a week, it may take years. There is a piece that fits this one though, and it is the same colors as mine, and helps make a beautiful pattern.

So away I go.