Monday, December 19, 2011

The baby is absolutely adorable. The cutest thing I may ever see. The freaking stopped as soon as I held his little squirming body in my arms.

Friday, December 16, 2011

My parents are getting temporary, and possibly permanent custody, of their 2 month old great nephew. We found out this morning.

As Mom said earlier today while she continued cleaning and planning Saturday's Christmas party without hardly missing a beat, "Life goes on."

I sat on the kitchen stool, gaping at her as I slowly ate ice cream. Self-medicating with sugar and allowing myself to spiral into a shock at how different our lives were about to be was my plan. Hers was to continue planning the party and...clean.

Jon came in from the garage with grocery bags full of food for the party. He set them on the counter and paused to watch me carefully take a bite of ice cream.

"You enjoying that?" He smirked.

I didn't respond, just stared at the two boxes of Jiffy muffin mix peeking out from one of the bags. Jiffy. Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy Jiffy? Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy ANYTHING?

Mom was putting food in the closet at the speed of light. She suddenly looked panicked, started going through the bags, then saw the boxes of Jiffy. "Ah! There it is." She turned back to the closet without taking the bag with her.

My eyes glazed over and the blue print went out of focus. Jiffy. Jesus, what was happening? For once I didn't feel like I was being over-dramatic.

"But, Mom, it's a BABY. A BABY is coming here tomorrow."

"So? People bring babies home everyday."

I roll my eyes and can't help but laugh at her flippant use of logic in this situation.

"Mom. Those people KNOW for a while-they are prepared--

I was sputtering. I threw my hands out to emphasize the words I hoped would show my mother that I was completely freaking, and desired some validation that freaking was normal and acceptable in this situation.

"We haven't had time! We found out this morning."

"I've taken care of babies." Mom said with an eerie calm as she lowered her eyes and vigorously started scrubbing the counters.

I watched her, amazed at how she wasn't freaking, which only made me want to freak out more at her willingness to avoid the fact that our whole lives were suddenly changed.

I slid off the stool and climbed up the stairs.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

So, I have realized that I need to do a lot more preparing for this Cuba trip. I have gotten a couple emails this week from my team leader with instructions for this trip that have scared the pants off of me. Cuba is no vacation. It is serious business. There is a long list of steps I have to literally walk in between flights that I have to memorize, and rules about what I can do and say. I'm basically a secret agent for Jesus, which would feel awesome if I felt more prepared, which I don't.

So I am NOT going to help feed the homeless tomorrow. I am staying home to study for the trip. And I am finally ripping Rosetta Stone's Spanish program open.

Ugh...I am so nervous...I could get sick. Gonna eat pizza, shower, and go to bed.
I got my sign. *huge smile paired with a girly freak-out*

I got a few signs actually.

So we're happy, and we're good, and we're living in this moment.

Moving on from has been strongly hinted that I am facing a promotion at work.

I'm going to school today to officially withdraw from the only class I have yet to drop.

Obadiah is back on The R!OT (my favorite radio show of all time) with Nicki after he was sick in bed for a while. His replacement was just, not to be mean, boring.

My friends and Jon are almost done with their finals, so we'll be hanging out a lot more for the rest of the month. So happy!

I'm volunteering at a place that feeds the homeless tomorrow for the first time.

Cuba is fast approaching.

It is all very exciting.

To close, here is one of my new favorite mash-ups. Two Adele songs in one song? Yespleez.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

No, I'm not done processing.

I think the hardest thing is believing that I am enough. That God looks at me and says that I don't have to have a label stamped on my forehead, "You're an expert at that." "You're a proffesional this."

So I'm living with that, with just being me, and not doing anything to "better" or "improve" myself.

I visited a church located very close on Sunday. The service was very sweet and genuine. I talked to a lovely girl after, the pastor's daughter, as well as her sister.

I visited The Wesley Foundation on Wednesday night. It was nothing short of amazing. I got to dance, and received ministry.

I am hesitant to jump into things quickly. Whenever I do, it tends to fizzle out quick. So I'll just keep an eye out for the signs that I know God has along this road I'm traveling, and keep visiting both places when I can.

Now about leaving school...I keep having to say no to discouragement about my future. And I am having to say no to depression also. It's crazy looking at everything I have done so far, my 14 years dancing, my Associate's degree in Social Work, my time with God, and then look at myself where I am at.

It's all going to be okay, and I know that God has always had a plan for me. I am on the right path, as strange as it looks to me. Everything around me is so unfamiliar. I am not used to not doing something constantly to prepare me for the future. There was always dance, all day, every day. There was always college classes, teaching me all sorts of life lessons.

No I just live out my days, extremely unsure of where God is taking me. I don't understand why I am here, and I keep trying to kick the thought away that I did something, made some sort of mistake that put me in the shoes I am wearing today. But I couldn't dance anymore, because it broke my heart and I lost my vision completely. And I couldn't become a Dietitian, because I didn't realize how much science was involved, and I was not wired to be that person who can know and remember all of those things.

And I could be a lot of other things that I would be good at, and probably enjoy, but do I have a vision for it?

I want to see people changed. I want to see cycles broken. People who didn't know they could live life differently see miracles explode throughout their lives. But where is my place in all of that. Where does God have me being in the future?

The girl who prayed for me last night during the ministry time at The Wesley Foundation prayed that God would help me during this hard season of my life. I didn't tell her that I was having a hard season, so it was encouraging to hear. Validating to know that God sees every thing I am going through, hearing all of my prayers, and that he has a plan (the girl's words to me in her prayer). Man, it was so good. I am so ready to forget this time and remember God's promises for me.

I love you, God, no matter what it takes. Obedience is what you deserve.