Sunday, March 25, 2012

Open up, you wild one, let me know more than your name.

I quit my job, and yesterday was my last day. It is amazing the weight that has been lifted. AND I haven't had coffee in 3 days, and I'm still sane! After I started working full time, I found I could not survive without coffee. It keeps me awake, but when enough of it gets in my system, I feel really stressed. The stress makes me fearful, which makes me more stressed. I really don't want to go back on it.

My first day off was wonderful, but I am already ready to do something. I'm going to apply for school in the fall, and start looking for a part time job. These are givens, but I am craving MORE! More, more, more!

I think this is partially because I just ate some dark chocolate, and I now feel like a rock star.

I want to go to sleep, but I am making a mental list of everything I want to do! I have been working on getting back to who I was when I was a little girl. I remember how happy I was exploring with my imagination. I want to wake that back up, even if it means less tv (tv...drool).

I want to learn Spanish, learn the guitar, learn the piano, pick the flute back up, pick blogging back up, journal more, read more, pick writing poetry and short stories back up. Aaaaah! So much to learn and do and explore! So much fun to have inside this brain with which God has blessed me. I often find that I have forgotten how awesome I am. When I am constantly looking into other people's lives with envy, how am I supposed to find time to improve my own?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Good Day

I had a case of insomnia last night. I am now out of sync and awake at almost 4 am. Not the end of the world! I'll just blog.

Due to last night's insomnia, I did not fall asleep till after 5 am. A freak thunderstorm woke me up at 9 am. I thought that the window over my bed was going to explode and shatter onto me, but I was too lazy to get up and go to the basement. I hate getting up.

So, I decided that this was an opportune time to trust God to keep me safe. I fell asleep.

At 1 pm I shot straight up in bed. I was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago. The storm had caused the power to go off, and left my alarm clock jacked up. The store manager had left a message on my phone, thinking I had been kidnapped. I called back, apologized, threw on some clothes, made a peanut butter sandwich, and jumped in car.

During the drive, I was trying to figure out why all of this was happening. I did not feel like a victim, and did not feel like I was in trouble with my boss. I felt that there was some kind of purpose to me being late. It sounds silly. It definitely sounds like an excuse. I still felt it to be true.

I asked the Lord, and listened. He said, "You had to be late today in order to have a good day. If you had been on time, you would have had a bad one. You needed a good day today."

I arrived at work, and no one was mad at me. Throughout the day a lot of things happened that don't usually happen. Inconvenient and even bad things, but I remained unusually calm due to not being tired. I was happy even, knowing that God had handed me a good day.


God has been helping break me of a victim mentality that I have slowly developed over the past several months. I am not a victim, because I am on the right path. I am the daughter of the King. I am His, and I am in His heart. I am in His songs. I am in His life. He wishes me to be His shelter, even when I feel I am bad at it.

He knows me.

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
Romans 8:6

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Creature of Habit

Sometimes there is more peace in saying goodbye than in holding on to the way you wish things could be.

I am changing my habits, and the benefits have been great so far. I am sleeping 7-8 hours every night at the same time (except for last night I had a strange dream that jerked me awake after 5 hours). I started dreaming like I used to early last year. I'm happier during the day (except for yesterday when I was exhausted from working many hours this week). Overall I am gaining more clarity on what the answers are to keeping me happy, and the answers all involve daily discipline and boundaries. Both are hard for me to follow through unconsciously, but if I'm going to grow up in wisdom I have to follow what I believe God shows me to be wise. It's scary.

Something that I have realized in all of this is that someone is always going to get hurt because of my actions. Even if my actions make sense and are what I see to be best, someone else's weakness or misinterpretation of what I am doing may easily hurt them. Despite this, I have to hand them over to God and keep doing it.