Saturday, July 28, 2012

Mister Rogers has yet to drop me any lines of which I am aware. I know that I'll recognize what he told me in my dream if I could just hear or read it somewhere. It is super frustrating. I am still wondering what I am doing wrong.

I am studying for finals, and I am so glad it is almost over.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Mister Rogers, drop me a line.

I kept waking up last night from my dream into another dream where I was in bed. Every time I woke into the dream, I would see James Stewart sitting in front of my dresser using my laptop. I would watch him until I fell back asleep. He was typing so gracefully, it looked like he was playing the piano.

 At one point, I woke up and he turned towards me. It was then that I saw that he was actually not James Stewart at all, but Mister Rogers! He looked at me, smiled, and reached a hand towards me. "Jenny! How are you?"

I sat up slowly, surprised and a little frightened that he had seen me. I was still having trouble not falling back into my second dream, and now I wondered if this was even a dream at all! Mister Rogers was making eye contact with me while addressing me, which doesn't happen to me in dreams.

I said, "I'm good..." and I crawled to the edge of the bed to take his hand, waiting to feel nothing, as I usually do. He rolled his chair closer so I could reach, and this time I felt his hand!

"Is this a dream?"

"Yes, Jenny, this is a dream."

"Then how are you here in my room talking to me?"

"Because we are both in the same service."

I thought about that for a second, and realized that he was talking about being Christians. I thought, Mister Rogers is so clever.

Mister Rogers gently said, "Jenny, I came here to tell you that some things that you think are okay are not okay."

He started explaining a lot of things to me, but I couldn't focus. I was fighting to stay in the room.

I reached out my hand to stop him. "Mister Rogers, I am not going to remember this. Is there any way you could send it to me later?" I gestured towards my laptop on the dresser to imply using email. I doubted he could, though, since he is dead in our world, and there probably wasn't a way to link up to the internet from heaven (smh, my dream logic).

He smiled, "Sure! I can, because we are in the same service."

"Really? Oh, good."

Mister Rogers continued, "So you need to be aware..."

And I let my head rest on my bed as his voice got further and further away until I was back in my other dream.

When I finally did wake up, I found that I could not, indeed, remember what Mister Rogers had said wasn't okay for me to do. I do remember that it made sense at the time he explained it to me, like, Oh, duh. Ofcourse that wouldn't be okay. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

Having weird things happen to me in the past where my dreams meet reality, or I hear a voice telling me to check for something, and that thing is there, I did check my email several times today. Not for anything from Mister Rogers, but just for ANYTHING. All I discovered was that Belk is having a big sale on Tuesday....

This is going to bug me.

So, God, you're going to have to explain it all to me again. And if you want to top having Mister Rogers visit me, feel free. :o)

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Back to the Basics

I had a long talk (and cry) with Mom the other night about how I've been struggling to find footing in my spiritual life this past year. I'm actually reminded now that when someone prayed for me several months ago they saw me climbing a mountain, but rocks were sliding out from under me. This made it hard to gain ground, but I kept fighting to climb anyway.

It still doesn't make sense to me why I am struggling so hard to free myself from just a painful silence in my spiritual life. My focus got off a lot last fall, and when I talked to God I was complaining ALL THE TIME. This complaining and focusing on so much negativity made me lose focus on just pursuing Jesus.

One thing that Mom said the other night is that when I pursue Jesus, and just focus on loving him, then everything else falls into place. I know that I have not been doing this, and this must be why I feel like my feet are not on solid ground. I lost sight of my true goal. It isn't to find my "purpose" or "destiny". When I was just loving Jesus, I was led so clearly. Not often did I know where he was leading me, but I lived in the moment, trusting, and he took care of me.

Jesus still leads me today, but I don't feel so rooted in the moment anymore. I feel lost. I have lost sight of Hope. I can't see the positive side of the day like I used to early last year. My main focus has been the negative in myself and in others.

I want to shut it all off and pursue Jesus again. I want to be free from the inner conflict of constantly judging myself as I have been these past months. I am becoming more aware how even before I fell into this struggle I was complicating my relationship with Jesus into a big mess of navel gazing. Things are so much more simple than I realize. Everyday he reveals something new, and I haven't taken the time to process any of it with him due to constantly looking at my life in a negative light.

So I have to give it up. Get back to the one thing I used to blog about, spending time with Jesus.

"Madam, my dear, my darling, tell me what all this sighing's about. Tell me what all this sighing's about."