Saturday, July 7, 2012

Back to the Basics

I had a long talk (and cry) with Mom the other night about how I've been struggling to find footing in my spiritual life this past year. I'm actually reminded now that when someone prayed for me several months ago they saw me climbing a mountain, but rocks were sliding out from under me. This made it hard to gain ground, but I kept fighting to climb anyway.

It still doesn't make sense to me why I am struggling so hard to free myself from just a painful silence in my spiritual life. My focus got off a lot last fall, and when I talked to God I was complaining ALL THE TIME. This complaining and focusing on so much negativity made me lose focus on just pursuing Jesus.

One thing that Mom said the other night is that when I pursue Jesus, and just focus on loving him, then everything else falls into place. I know that I have not been doing this, and this must be why I feel like my feet are not on solid ground. I lost sight of my true goal. It isn't to find my "purpose" or "destiny". When I was just loving Jesus, I was led so clearly. Not often did I know where he was leading me, but I lived in the moment, trusting, and he took care of me.

Jesus still leads me today, but I don't feel so rooted in the moment anymore. I feel lost. I have lost sight of Hope. I can't see the positive side of the day like I used to early last year. My main focus has been the negative in myself and in others.

I want to shut it all off and pursue Jesus again. I want to be free from the inner conflict of constantly judging myself as I have been these past months. I am becoming more aware how even before I fell into this struggle I was complicating my relationship with Jesus into a big mess of navel gazing. Things are so much more simple than I realize. Everyday he reveals something new, and I haven't taken the time to process any of it with him due to constantly looking at my life in a negative light.

So I have to give it up. Get back to the one thing I used to blog about, spending time with Jesus.

"Madam, my dear, my darling, tell me what all this sighing's about. Tell me what all this sighing's about."

1 comment: