Heart.

I've been pursuing knowing God's heart better. Last Sunday, I spent a while just asking and welcoming God to show me His heart. I wanted to know the depths of His heart. I said that I did not care what it cost or how much more it would set me apart. I wanted more.

God told me later that night, "Jenny, your depth isn't even close to my depth." I can't even FATHOM what deep means to God! This revelation I hadn't gotten yet. Every time I go, "Whoa...dude...that's deep..." that is God's baby pool.

As the night progressed, God answered my request and started revealing to me more of His heart. He only gave me a small dose and it sent me to bed reeling. His heart is not a bed of roses. His passion for us is INFINITE! My passion is still toddling around in the shallow end.

This past week since that night, I've been coming near to completely avoiding spending a lot of alone time with Jesus. A couple days ago He said, "Jenny, you've got to stop it with these hit and runs." I admitted that it freaked me out that I couldn't figure how to fit even a small dosage of His passion into my heart. I had no idea where to put it, so I just pushed it aside onto my shoulder where it sat and stared at me all week.

Now I realize that I can't fit His passion into my heart and that is okay. God "will enlarge my heart" (Psalm 119:32) as I keep pursuing Him. My first mistake was freaking out and giving Him the cold shoulder (hence my previous blog).

Think about how that hurts God! I ask God to share Himself with me. He does. I don't like what I see and just give Him a "Hey! How goes it?" every now and then for a few days.

I need to stop that.

I think reflecting is key. Something else God told me Sunday was that He didn't want to give us more until we understood what He had already given us. Instead of freaking out this past week, I should have just been honest with Jesus that I wasn't sure what to do with what He had shared with me. We could have gone from there just fine.

But...I forgive myself. We're good.

God, I still want to know Your heart, no matter how much it scares me and kills my flesh away. Enlarge my heart. I don't want to turn anything You give me away.

He took all of me and wanted my brokenness! It never even crossed His mind to turn me away in all my failures and mistakes. Jesus keeps me by His side the whole while and names me His bride, His chosen one. This I should never forget.

He knows all of me.

I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him and listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song