Incomplete

I guess I thought I was okay until I ran this morning.

But every time someone at work asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm "good" or "great", but can't look them in the eye. So I know then that I'm sorta off.

And when I was running this morning, I processed through all of it, until I arrived at the conclusion and then the question. I feel incomplete, like I'm missing my chest, but I'm moving through life anyway.

Why do I feel incomplete?

It makes no sense. I don't get it. Usually I'm fine. Great. But for most of the year now, I have been descending down and down.

But I think my eyes are just being opened to how I am inside so I can let God help me deal with it. This is how I've been all along, but I was high as a kite before, and couldn't see it.

This still doesn't answer my question though. WHY in the heck would I feel so empty or put aside or whatever this is? I feel like this life should be enough, and that it should make me happy. Instead I feel like it is going to swallow me whole and spit me out the other side a completely new and different person...

...which may be God's intent.

Grrr Arrrgh Grrr

I'm going to bed.

Old

'Cause if I'm restless then why do I

I want nothing but to rest my soul?

And I don't get this and I know why

You see sometimes things are just beyond control.

I have been feeling so old this past week. Not sure if anyone will get me when I say this, especially those who are younger than me. I was feeling just dandy last summer. I had the world at my feet.

Now I'm just old and tired and growing older and more tired.

But I think what it REALLY is, is that my list of things I need to do and want to do keeps getting longer while time keeps getting shorter.

Therefore, I feel old and tired, then older and tired...er.

But I'm going to Cuba in a couple months, so be excited for me! I need to do this.

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know

But I may know someone who knows me more than I

And if I somehow could rest this soul

Maybe control could find its way back to my life

"I'm in the race, but I've already won, and getting there can be half the fun."

I have always loved the movie Legally Blonde. The first night I watched it, I watched it two times in a row. I haven't done that since, and that was back in middle school. It makes me so happy.

Anyway, this movie comes to mind, because for the past 3 months, God has been trying to get me to face how I'm afraid to live up to my full potential. I cop out a lot. I'm very smart, and when I apply myself, it really comes across. Those times when I do apply myself are few and far between though.

I have been applying myself at work, and people, including myself, have noticed. At first it was hard to force myself to think about so many things at once as I helped multiple customers at the same time. Now I hate it when I'm not helping a lot of people. I get bored and start praying that God will sweep more shoppers into the store.

When I do school, I don't push myself at all. It has been coming across in my grades, and I need to set higher standards for myself. I look around me and see how I'm just grabbing onto what my peers at school and everywhere I go expect from me: to not take it so seriously. Go to school, come home, chill out.

I guess this was fine when I was a Social Work student and I had no immediate plans for my future. I did not know what I wanted to do when I "grew up". So it didn't seem to make a difference. And I made good grades anyway, because my teachers were amazing.

Now I am actually taking classes that are steering me clear into my future, but I am sticking to my old, lazy routine. On my ride home from work tonight, I realized that I had some serious choices and sacrifices to make. I'm going to have to cut out a lot of my downtime that I have clung onto, and wake my brain up to work harder so I can catch up. I don't want to fall even more behind.

So, that is my story. I have to sacrifice my current happiness in order to find new joys in my new daily routine.

This may sound minor, but I am pretty comfortable with my current routine of bumming out. It makes me want to cry when I think of how I'm having to leave it. I hate getting older right now! Being a kid was SO AWESOME!

But it will get easier, just like being a sales associate did. Then I will be bored just thinking about bumming out!

Perspective

I was chatting with my friend, Laura, for a few hours the other night (we had a lot of catching up to do). One of the things we talked about was how God had been teaching her about perspective. Here are her words.

• "Ok. I've thought about this a lot for a while.

• If you break it down

• it's all the little choices. Your overall perspective and way of life is contained in the minute decisions. Whether you do the extra math problem, getting the dishes done so someone else doesn't have to, helping out when asked even if it'd be more convenient not to. How everything affects you, and especially the people around you, on a heart level. How every time that you chose to step up, you're moving forward as a person and getting closer to what God has for your life.

  • When you go to work.

  • You can have a negative or positive perspective.

  • When you sit on your bed, thinking about life, you can have a negative or positive perspective.

  • You can line it up with what God has for you and for others, you can look to what you can learn and grow from and experience. Love and pain are often equal teachers.

  • Every time that you chose to learn instead of stuffing it, it makes such a freaking difference. Love. Love. Love. Bring it all back to love.

  • There's a meaning behind everything. Find it. Apply it.

  • Focus on the goal. Something might SUCK. But if you can look at where you're going, you can build back up and get there.

  • God has plans that go far beyond our imaginations. He's setting things up every day. Ya gotta have faith for that and keep moving forward and living."

"No, it's not for a friend. I'm a drag queen."

My day was amazing and crazy.

My Statistics teacher was the substitute for my Precalculus class. When I walked in to the classroom and saw him, I was so excited. I had not realized how much I missed him teaching me math until that moment.

My classmates seemed stunned by how awesome he was, as he dazzled us with his teaching skills and wit. Soon they were joking with him, all stress disappeared, and before we knew it there were only 5 minutes of class time left. The teacher stopped then, because he had finished up an example, and didn't want to start another one right before the end of class. One student said, "But...we still have 5 minutes!"

"Yeah!" The rest of the class said. No one wanted it to be over. I was shocked by their enthusiasm, but it was, indeed, over.

I went to Trader Joe's, which is always awesome. I get my free tiny cup of quality coffee, and mosey around until I find something different I want to eat. Today it was pancakes. I got organic cinnamon applesauce to put on it. It's gonna be gooood.

I ate at Chick-fil-A, but they started playing a classical version of the song "Killing Me Softly". No words, just the music. I ditched that joint in a hurry.

I went to work, and it turned into my craziest shift yet.

I helped a drag queen choose a dress.

A female customer definitely hit on me.

I picked out the perfect pair of jeans for a female rapper, and she got so excited that she started cussing a LOT more than I usually hear. Then my manager forgot to put the jeans in her shopping bag, and I ran all over the mall before tracking her down.

And to rap it up, I somehow ended up praying for and prophesying to my manager.

When I was done praying, she looked at me out of the corner of her eye and asked, "Are you psychic?"

My manager was also asking me about speaking in tongues and prophesying. I realized that I had never been in a situation in which I had to explain those things, since I was always around Spirit-filled Christians. I need to study up on how to answer such questions so I am understood. I spend more time with people who aren't Christians these days than I ever have...except for my dancing days, but this is way more intense.

Anywho, I need to try to go to bed. I still am not sleeping until the wee hours of the morning.

"Let me see ya wobble!"

Jon and I got new hats today. WAZZUUUP?!?

They were buy one 25% off and get one free. What. A. Deal.

I'm stressing less about school, and getting more done. Funny how that works.

Still enjoying Family Force 5's III EP.

Let me see ya wobble!

I was also checking out Children 18:3's stuff today. I have always enjoyed their music, but have never purchased a CD. I read their biography on their myspace, and it said some pretty neat stuff about revival and "rain" sweeping the country and wanting to be a part of it, hence the band and the latest CD's title, "Rain's A Comin'".

They are all siblings, they were all home schooled and they are all on fire for Jesus.

The girl is my hero.

I'm heading to bed for reals. Got 4 hours of sleep when I finally passed out this morning.

Under my skin

The completely wrong people get under my skin.

People who like me and love me, these are the ones who I should let slide under my skin, but no. I instead dread and whine and complain about all the insecure losers in my life. Geez. Why can't I value everyone else instead? I give all the boring people too much of a foothold in my life. I've got lots of friends who I open up my heart to, and they to me, but I don't find myself talking about them much.

This has got to stop. I have got to clean out my skin and get the useless episodes of the day out and dwell instead on the lovely episodes of the day...

The end.

(And no, I did not sleep a wink. I don't want to scream anymore though. I went to the gym. :P

This happens about once a month it seems. I can't sleep, usually for no obvious reason, and end up being as productive as possible until I collapse. This can't be healthy, but it happens to me anyway.)

Dang girl! I'm all about you.

Jon got me the Family Force 5 III EP for my birthday, and I am in love with this song.

I was singing it while I was doing my precalculus homework. Sooo goood. Plus, I actually understand what homework I finished tonight. Even when I thought I didn't understand it after Dad tried to explain it, I realized as I continued with the homework that it made sense.

I need to get back into the Word. I've realized that I set daily goals that are too lofty for me to complete. I have decided to narrow it down to one chapter a day. That is simple enough, and the Word is the Word. A large or small dose produces the same results. That is what is so lovely about grace. You could be a hooker or a slacker...you still get to hear the angels sing once you let Jesus be your friend.

I'm going to bed before I hurt someone. I'm tired and feel like screaming.

Thirsty for knowledge!

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” - John Burroughs

Time ticks away day after day. I’m constantly doing something, but it still feels like I only get a fraction of what needs to be done completed. There is so much more that I want to do! I was studying in Barnes and Noble tonight before work, and after I was finished I walked around and drooled over all the books. I want to read the life of Mother Theresa and John Muir. I want to learn the history of the world. I want to know the names of all the trees. I want to know the migration patterns of animals. I want to know the teachings of Charles Stanley. I want, I want, I need, I need.

I am reading through Walt Whitman's poems right now. From what I have read so far, I assume that he was high on drugs and a practicing bisexual most of his life. Still, he loved nature and had some beautiful thoughts.

Life is hard to ignore.

Ran with Jon at the park after work. I'm so happy we left indoors to be outside in the lovely weather.

One of our cleaning ladies thinks that I lose too much hair. It is all over my room (and my bathroom). She's right about the latter. It is always everywhere lately. I had actually thought that my hair felt thinner, but I'm still not sure. Mom said I can go ahead and get a physical though, since it's been a while.

I know that I am losing more hair than I should be for sure. Mom and I think it is due to stress. I'm pretty exhausted, even with the sleep. My sleep schedule still isn't disciplined though. I sleep for an adequate number of hours, but I still stay up late some nights. Maybe that could cause stress?

Let's just write out factors of stress in my life.

Poor sleep habits

Stressful working environment

Precalculus

Biology tests

Trying to find time to have a healthy lifestyle

...I'm going to bed.

And I'm sure that you hoped for a happier tune. So did I, so did I.

I can be a queen. :)

So work was great today. It felt like the first week. I had my new manager opening with me, and she is a stickler for rules. I like rules. Rules that make sense that is, and rules that help reduce chaos make sense.

I remembered to pray for the day, and sure enough I got some great customers and we had a lot of fun.

I'm still mad at some people though, so you can be praying for me.

Mom and I talked about my flying dream. She thinks it's about abiding with the Holy Spirit even when others don't like it.

I think she is right. :-)

Love you all.

And I'm going to post the same song twice, because I can.

When time simply won't stand still, it's so nice knowing you will.

I got a burger from Longhorn's for my bday. Yum, yum. Burgers have been my favorite thing on the menu my whole life.

I work for the next three days. It will be okay. I'm hoping that last week was just a bad week, and it will be clearer at work this weekend. If not, Dad is encouraging me to look for work elsewhere, since it isn't worth working for minimum wage if I'm unhappy.

I have to go to bed, but I'm had a good birthday. The day may have seemed pretty ordinary from the outside, but this past week I've been thinking a lot about how I would like this year to look like, and I'm ready to see that happen. Time is short, and I don't want to let it pass me by.

Gotta sleep before waking up early. Hello again, Memory Foam. You are wonderful new friend. :)

Hello 22!

When I was 21 I...
graduated with my Associate's Degree.
learned that sugar has a negative affect on me, came off of it, and stopped feeling depressed.
lost 30 pounds and discovered my love for running.
learned a stronger appreciation for Family.
changed my career pursuit to becoming a dietitian.
decided to stop trying to "be good" and just accept grace.
lost, made, regained, and strengthened friendships.
realized how bold, secure, and fearless God has made me to be.

And now to me during my year of being 22...

let's make friendships stronger.

let's go on more walks and runs outside.

let's read poetry everyday.

let's grow to love God's Love Letter even more.

let's be a queen.

let's be a heroine.

let's spend more time with Family.

let's not expect anyone to make fun for you, travel for you, or love for you.

let's fly everywhere, everyday.

let's meditate more.

let's absorb more information about the spiritual and physical world around you.

let's never ever EVER try to "be good" ever EVER again.

let's learn not to hide under a bushel.

let's travel.

let's have peace.

let's bring it. I was born to make this year Long.

Sleepy and hungry. Very hungry.

I am really enjoying the memory foam mattress in the guestroom. I sleep so good and deep. When I wake up, it always takes me a few seconds to remember who I am, where I am, what day it is, and what the agenda is. (Actually, it may be a bad thing I enjoy that moment so much. ha.)

I am really enjoying the weather. It is making me sleepy and hungry. I want to curl up on the couch squished with my family and watch TV.

I would have done that this evening, but I kept ignoring my homework, so I couldn't let myself do that without feeling guilty. Although, what is the difference between ignoring your homework squished with family and ignoring it in a chair by yourself? Probably not much. But just doing my homework is the better choice, ofcourse. :P

Also, you can be praying that I learn how to deal with my job better. Been getting angry, and anger is a very destructive and violent force. It can't have power and control over me.

I am free.

I woke up in a fantastic mood. I have asked God to take away my dirty laundry. I have asked him to kill all the spiders hiding in my closet.

And now it is clear that all I must do is proclaim it, proclaim it, PROCLAIM IT. I am free. I am free. I am free. Who the Son sets free is free indeed!

I need him everyday, every hour. He used Peter, the man who denied him three times. He used everyone he wanted to, because he was the one who was shining the whole time. It is not up to me, and it is not me. It must always be him.

So clean am I, and clean is my closet. I am no good, God, but you most certainly are.

I'm not good enough.

So I went to go sleep, but I could not sleep. I was in my bed, completely exhausted, not sleeping.

So annoying.

And I kept thinking about the dream that I had last night, knowing that I needed to actually go over it with God. Not the one I had during my nap. No. I had another one. I have not been having dreams from God for a while. Well, I did have one a couple weeks ago, but that was it. The meaning of that one was obvious.

This dream just makes me sad. I hate it when God does that. He loves me so much, and has to give me these dreams to make me realize how much he loves me and that I need to LET him love me.

How do I do that? I can't even let my family and friends love me. I am never going to be good enough for him or anyone else to love me. I fail. I fail, I fail, I fail. If anyone knew the real me, I doubt they would think I was sane.

And this is what it boils down to; the fact that I don't ever want anyone to know me keeps me from knowing God.

I know that I don't have to be good. The point of grace is not having to be good, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a good person. Even when I want to be good, it is only so that way I'll feel good. That reason is selfish, which means that even when I am being good, I am actually not good. You following?

But do other people understand that? I'm not sure. I certainly don't understand. I hate what I have done. I can not forgive myself. I keep bringing it up everyday. My closet is stuffed full of dirty laundry, and I can't let God throw it out. How do I let him do that? I don't know how.

I need to be a dead person. I need to let myself be dead. I have to be dead to the world. Dead to sin. Dead to perfect. Dead to good. Face the fact that I am never going to be good enough for Jesus. I am never going to be good enough for anyone. And I have to believe that that is okay. I can let the dirty laundry go, and not acknowledge it anymore. I have to believe that it isn't there in my past anymore, waiting to come out and haunt me. I need to stop believe the lie that my sin is still there, waiting to judge me. I am the only one who is judging in this situation. I see no one else pointing fingers except myself.

Memory foam = heavenly sleep

I've been sleeping a lot.

Not more than a usual person should, just the normal, healthy amount. I've been reading articles on the importance of sleep, and am surprised by what I have learned. Sleep is much more important than I thought. This is a fact of which I plan to take much advantage.

And now it is 9 pm and I am ready for bed once more. Sleeping on the memory foam mattress in one of our guest bedrooms has been lovely. So I will listen to my body, and say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Dream: The king and his two wives

I had a dream during my nap today. It seems to be a response from God to my previous blog.

It started with me trying to do many everyday things, and finding them all hard for me to accomplish. I would drive somewhere, try to do something, and not be able to do it right. I was very frustrated, and in a bad mood for most of the dream.

I met a king and his beautiful wife in an old, abandoned hotel. I knew that they were dead, and I was seeing ghosts. I would see other ghosts too, some not even human. No one else who was alive could see them. I was not only frustrated now, but angry that I could see the ghosts. I was angry because I knew that it was not normal for me to be having conversations with dead people. I kept trying to leave them, but I would find myself back in the hotel, in their presence soon after trying to get away. It felt like a nightmare.

The wife started approaching me alone and reaching out tenderly, putting her hand on my collarbone and moving it up my neck. It freaked me out, because I did not know this woman. A voice, that sounded like the king's, said to me, "This is how pregnant women respond around other pregnant women." I became angry and thought, I am not pregnant, and I don't believe she is either! The wife looked hurt, and I tried to leave her. The king approached me swiftly and ordered, "You need to stay away from my wives. People who are alive should not be near them." It was not my wish to be near his wives in the first place, and I tried to leave once more.

Another beautiful woman soon approached me. I saw she was pregnant, but her pregnancy made me extremely uncomfortable. I am not pregnant! She can't be either! But she reached out and touched my shoulder, even as I cowered away. She pulled a shawl, that I had not noticed I was wearing, back onto my shoulder where it had almost fallen. I ran away, knowing that this gesture was only meant to be from one pregnant woman to another. I was not going to see that she was pregnant, and that I, therefore, must also be pregnant, so I decided to see the situation as being perverted. "I will tell the king your secret, that you like women!" I yelled as I left the room, for I knew that the king was also this woman's husband. Pain filled her eyes, her hand frozen in the air from where she had placed it on my shoulder. I turned away.

I picked up my shirt and studied my belly. I refused to see that it was looking a little swollen. I am not in an early pregnancy! I am not the king's wife! I pulled my shirt back down and tried leaving the hotel in my car to resume doing the things that I could not master.

I found myself outside of the hotel once more. There were two ghosts who were stuck in a sort of warp between being alive and dead. I knew that they needed to fly, but they did not know how. "I know how," I said. "I will teach you." It made me angry that I knew how to fly. People who were alive did not how to fly, so why did I? But there was no one else to teach the ghosts, and there was something in me that wanted to help them.

We went to the roof of the hotel and I jumped off. I flew easily, and this also made me angry. I hoped no one would see me. I turned and shouted at the ghosts, "You try!" One jumped and soon flew easily. The other followed, but fell into the pool that was outside the hotel. I flew into the pool, and encouraged it to surface before it made contact with the bottom of the pool. It resurfaced, and the ghosts flew off, happy to not be stuck anymore

I saw the king and his two wives I had met had been watching this scene unfold from the roof. I flew up to them, and the king spoke kindly. "I did not yet know that you were dead. My wives said you were, but you kept doing things that alive people do. When I saw you flying I knew it was true you were dead. That's why it's been hard for you to do those things. People who are alive do those things, but you're already dead."

In a flash my anger began to leave me as I realized that I had been dead for quite some time, and trying to be as one who is alive. The king continued his speech. "Welcome to Narnia!" He exclaimed. And I was being lifted onto a throne surrounded by white light by the king. The two wives knelt on either side of him as he set a crown that appeared to be too big on my head. "You will always be a ruler here," He stated with authority and finality. I had a feeling that this welcome and coronation was belated, since I had been living as one who is alive, even though I had been in Narnia, and just as dead as the king, his wives, and the rest of the ghosts.

The light that surrounded the throne swirled and enveloped me, and I was again sucked up and out of my dream.

As I struggled to open my eyes and leave my heavy sleep, I heard the king give these instructions. "You need to wake up. You can't sleep just because others do. Don't go anywhere. You need to stay in your house for a little while. When you do leave never leave the house in your car anymore. You must fly everywhere you go. People won't like to see you fly, but you must anyway."

When I was finally able to open my eyes (I had quickly fallen back asleep after this dream), I was soaking wet with sweat from head to toe. What had been a stressful nightmare for so long had ended on a surprisingly high note. I had been empowered to fly...whatever that means (I do NOT know what that means).

Let me know if you know what that means before I know what that means. Eh, You are still confusing me, God, even with the dreams.

Shine. Make them wonder what you got.

It may be safe to say that I had not understood the concert experience until I saw Newsboys and Switchfoot perform at the end of Celebrate Freedom 2011 last night.

Due to a very stressful week at work, during which I got in trouble for not doing things that I did not know I was supposed to be doing or did not understand, I kept having flashbacks of the conversations one of my managers had with me. They kept coming all during the day, as I'm trying to celebrate freedom, and it was a nuisance that left me feeling more stressed than I had felt at the time I was being lectured.

And it wasn't even that the lectures were mean. It's just that I had not known what I was supposed to be doing, and when I found out, it just seemed like I should have already known. Common sense just had not struck me, or I have been distracted by school. I guess I was realizing yesterday that there is much more to living than I had thought. I can't just be a student. I must also be a sales associate. I can't flail through life with my head just above water. I have to walk on it.

So, I thought, I need to pull it together. But...can I pull it together?

Then the Newsboys and Switchfoot performed, and the songs they were singing, especially Switchfoot's, were all about daring to keep moving forward, shining your light, despite all of the persecution and fight that meets you along the way. Why? Because Jesus is the ruling force on this earth, even if we don't always see it. That is the Truth.

And if I'm going to walk on water, the only way to do it is to look at the Truth, hold it's gaze, never wavering. It must always be directly in front of me, and I must always be seeing it.

So away I go.

Motion

I had not worked out consistently for nearly 3 weeks. After studying and taking my finals, I was so stressed, and working out could have helped. But as Dad always tells me, a body in motion stays in motion, and a body not in motion...stays on the couch (I think that is how that ends). Anyway...

Been to the gym 3 times this week, one of the times being today. I was not sore until I was a quarter of a way through with my work-out. Then my muscles suddenly tightened, and I lost feeling in my right foot...that can't be good. I'm gonna blame it on dehydration, and not loosening up when I work-out on the machines. I always want to dance and yell and sing when I'm running. But I never do...unless I'm the only one in the gym, which is not often. I want to be like Chad.

I have a full weekend of homework and playing with Jon lined up. Gonna be AWESOME! Unless my work schedule eats it up. I hope not. I'll find out tomorrow when I get my schedule.

Goodnight!