Not Forgetting Anymore

"You're on your own now, dressed in armour. If you run faster you'll forget." ~ Falling Up

This has been my secret motto for the past couple months.

I got sick last Thursday and still am. After praying and nothing permanently changing, I asked God why this was. His response made my heart sink and my mind squirm. "Your spirit is crying tears of grief and is tired."

I had no idea what emotions I had forced down or what my subconscious was now hiding from me. I didn't have to wonder long because the answer came in a dream/vision. I had it on Sunday. I was in my bed when I woke up. I went to visit my family and was looking at my old room. They wanted me to move back in. I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to move back in. I felt safe here. I was grieved by my feelings and confused. I went back to where I live now, my aunt's. I stood by my bed and looked around my room. I started crying because I knew that God had put me here but I wanted to be back with my family. I still called them home.

Don't be surprised when I tell you that when I wrote this dream down I did not make the connection to my sickness.

When I talked to Jesus about my dream, I told Him that I wanted to be in my house in heaven. I had a vision of it before and asked to go back. He granted my request. But I did not feel at home there either so I ran out the door where Jesus was waiting to lock up. He locked the door behind me. He said, "Jenny, you aren't supposed to live here now. This is not your home yet." I asked, "Where do I live then? Where is my home?"

Jesus reached out and put my hand on His heart. He said, "Here. This is your home. Your home is with me. I'm on earth with you."

I got it. sorta. I still though did not make the connection to my sickness.

Yesterday, I once again asked God why I was still sick. He said, "Your spirit is crying and unsettled. It won't settle."

I still had no idea what He was talking about.

Tonight though! Oh! Tonight! I finally got to the edge and jumped off screaming, "What am I upset about?!? Why do I feel this way? Where is this pain coming from?" I thought through the last week, searching for something that I had maybe felt grief over but immediately suppressed.

I found it.

After I moved out, I knew I felt scared but at the same time I was soooo relieved to just be out. The grace to be there was just gone. It was no longer my home.

I had bitterness towards my family though that did not belong. I worked through my feelings and forgave them.

Then last week, when I had that revelation I told you all about that changed EVERYTHING, I was on my own. My most trustworthy, closest friends were out of town. My mother (I really wanted a mother at that moment)...well, God told me not to seek comfort from her. I was not to seek comfort from ANYONE but Him this time.

But thinking tonight about last week, when all that went down, I realized something, for the first time it really hit me. I had left my home and I do not feel at home where I am now. As soon as I left, I was thrown into an intense internship as well as school. Hence the "If you run faster you'll forget". I even buried myself in ministry for a little while. And now I spend every spare minute at IHOP because that is where I feel the closest to Jesus right now. I hate being in my bed because it does not soothe me and pull me into slumber.

I realized that it was never going to go back to the way it was before the grace at my family's home went away. And even the way it was wasn't what I wanted but I felt safe there. I am not used to this way of living.

After I realized this tonight, Jesus asked me to be honest with Him verbally. This is what I said.

"I realize now that I'm not with Mom."
"I'm not with Dad."
"I'm not with my family."
"I'm not with my friends."
"I'm not with demons."
"I'm not with my aunt or my uncle."
"I'm with You and You alone."
"But I want more!"
"NO! I don't mean that. Forgive me. You are always more than enough. But I'm used to having more."

I was done. I was spent. God spoke.

"I'm unlocking the gate in your heart."

A huge spasm went through my body and I drew up like a fist. The gate where I had shut all of these feelings was opened. And as quickly as the tension came, it released. I let out a huge breathe and my spirit let out a sigh of exhaustion. God kept talking.

"I am always enough, more than enough, yes. And now I want to give you that more! Don't be afraid to ask for more. There is always more of Me for you, Jenny. Ask and you shall receive."

Oh my goodness. So sincere, so good, so true.

I'm still letting myself grieve now over the change I've been through this year instead of suppressing it. It's going to take a little while longer and that is okay. I'm not suppressing it, I'm dealing with it with Jesus. I'm also going to keep learning what Jesus being my home means until it is fully absorbed in my spirit. And I have the promise that Jesus is going to be giving me more and more and more of HIM!!!!!!!!! That is all I want. All I need.

Besides being sick and realizing why, I have had a fantastic week! Jesus is downloading things to me constantly and I know I will be blogging them soon. Maybe I'll even throw a dream your way...that has not happened in a while.

Love Jesus, love yourself, love each other. Love love itself (hint: Jesus again lol).

And I'll miss you like you're dead
find a way to grieve you
cause I need to try and start again
and your ghost will have to leave
like a child would his mother
or a lover
who has to say goodbye

so this is goodbye