i am the bride

Home, the only place where I find myself regress to an ugly and immature state, like a whiny child, about 70x7 times a day. I guess I'll just keep forgiving myself day in and day out until I am hopefully, maybe, fully adult.

On another note...

I had a dream in which I seemed to be the planner or director of a wedding. I saw myself as being close to the groom and just helping the bride. I was rushing around making sure everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing and that they were okay.

The groom approached me, looking concerned. He said, "You need to sit down and relax. You aren't supposed to be doing this."

I blinked and shook my head. "Ofcourse I am. I am the wedding planner. I'm fine."

Shrugging him off, I kept planning, not participating. The groom kept looking over at me with a frustrated and sad expression on his face for the rest of the dream.

When I woke up, I immediately heard this. "You are not a friend of the bridegroom. You are supposed to be the bride."

Last night I had a dream in which I was again helping a bride get ready for a wedding, because I was one of her bridesmaids. No matter what I did, she kept expecting me to bend even further backwards for her. We appeared to be rooming together with several other families. As the buying of things for the wedding was taking place, we were all also packing to leave the house where we were leaving. Everyone was going their separate ways.

I kept finding my stuff in the bride's things. I kept getting frustrated as I tried to take them back. Once, she switched her lip gloss with mine because mine was better.

When I put my foot down, she said, "I'm the one who bought it for you, and I'm the bride! I need it for the wedding."

"Then what am I supposed to do for the wedding! I picked that out specifically for me, and you had your chance to get the same kind!"

The dispute ended with her keeping the item, and me storming off to the store. I realized that I had let the bride, out of the seeming kindness of her heart, buy everything for me. But now, she was claiming it all.

I said, "Screw this, from now on I'm buying my own lip gloss! I'm buying my own of everything!"

After leaving the store, I crossed a courtyard to the moving van that would carry all of our things to our different destinations. To my surprise, two men who strongly resemble two friends of mine were standing beside me.

They both yelled across the courtyard, "Jenny, we got your affairs in order! It is all sealed and done! You don't have to be here anymore. You can wake up now!"

They gestured for me to come towards them, and I felt myself leave the dream. I tried to hang on, because I didn't WANT to wake up. But once I did, I knew that I had seen angels, and I knew that something significant had just been finalized, and something else had just been left behind. I had no choice but to face that my prayers had been answered.


I have been feeling hurt, used, and angry lately. I keep telling myself to stop expecting other people to make my life better. I thought that I was just being bitter, and shrugged it off. I didn't want to believe that I needed to put less faith in certain people.

But I have decided that these two dreams really are a wake up call, literally and figuratively. If I am the bride, no...since I AM the bride, it's about time I act like I am instead of worrying about everyone else's happiness.

I'm leaving. Not physically at the moment, but definitely emotionally and spiritually. Everything is in order for my future, even if I can't see every single facet of it.