Apathy

My mind is being blown by the Lord. He is changing me so slowly, yet the changes in me are so different than I have been before, that it feels rapid to me. I guess it feels slow and rapid because I first didn’t see any change at all. All I saw was the selfishness, and the stump. When Jesus cut down my tree, I wasn’t sure if it was ever going to grow back. But it is growing now, and it will be stronger than it ever was.
I just don’t know what the tree is going to be like. That is the question. I’m going to start asking God to reveal it to me. I haven’t been asking Him to show me stuff lately, because whenever I do, He shows me. I don’t always like what I see, and I’ve been turning a blind eye to what I have seen already, which brings me to the movie I watched last night.

A couple months ago, I heard God tell me that I should watch All The King’s Men. I wasn’t even positive if it was a real movie, but I found out that it is. I didn’t get the chance to watch it until last night. As I watched it, I suddenly realized that I had no idea what this movie was supposed to mean to me. It is a great movie, but I didn’t see the relation to me. I asked God what the purpose of His direction for me to watch it was. The next scene in the movie told me.

One of the characters in the movie, Jack, is witnessing a lot of corruption in the government, and is in a position to do something about it. He doesn’t though, and says that it is because he doesn’t care. He says that if he did care, he would do something, but he would rather watch everything happen from where he is sitting.
As I listened to Jack, I suddenly thought, “Oh, I’m like Jack. I see a lot of things that are wrong, but I don’t do anything about it.”

Strange as it sounds, I was happy to know this about me, especially so early in the movie. Now I could learn something.

As I watched the story unfold, I paid attention to Jack’s actions. I couldn’t believe how apathetic he was. So many times he had to chance to do something or say something that could change the course of his life, and the lives of others, in a good way. But he never does. He is in love with his childhood friend, but never does anything about it, even though he knows she is love with him, and she knows he is in love with her. He sees through the corrupted schemes of the government, and doesn’t say anything. He sees and knows the truth during most of the movie. His refusal to be the one to change anything, or reveal the truth, is very sad, and brings about the downfall of pretty much every other character in the movie.

Now, seeing my own apathy, I wondered what I should do about it. I still don’t know what to do, actually. But God has shown me things over the past year, including the fact that I have the right to make a difference in many people’s lives. “So what are you going to do about it?”

As I was driving this evening, during the magic hour, I noticed a large cloud in the sky. Something about it stood out to me. It was interesting, but I didn’t know this particular cloud had caught my eye. The interesting thing about it was the size of it, and how it seemed very solid. However, at the very bottom of the cloud, it was melting away in wisps.

I decided to turn my attention back to the road and the music playing. A few minutes later though, I found my eyes drift back to the sky until they found the cloud. I was surprised to see that the top was still just as solid, but from the bottom to past the halfway point of the cloud, it had melted even more.

I thought to myself, that’s weird. It is melting from the bottom up. Why is it doing that? Why hasn’t the top changed yet?

No sooner had I thought this when I remembered a dream I had a while back. I blogged about it here, but here is a summary. In the dream, I’m in a grocery store. I stop shopping when I see doors in the floor that reveal the foundation of the store. The foundation had been built clumsily, and was completely wrong. As I stood and watched, what little foundation had been built started falling and crumbling in slow motion. I tried to warn people in the store, my friends, the employees, that we needed to evacuate, but no one listened. They just kept shopping for what they needed. I knew that they didn’t believe me because everything looked fine above the foundation. There was no visible sign of crumbling unless you looked through the doors in the floor.

How strange, I thought as I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as I felt the solemness of the dream I was remembering. That cloud is doing the same thing.

I started thinking more about the dream and other things that God has shown me. I knew that this particular dream had to do with the foundation of the Church. I knew that in a dream that I had quite recently, Jesus came and told me that I belonged inside the camp (the church), not on the outside of the camp. He said that I needed to fight to stay there once I got there, and that I had everything I needed.
Despite these seemingly specific instructions, I don’t know where to start. And that is just one instance. There are many truths that God has told me that I have not done anything about, besides pray, and there hasn’t been much of that lately either. There are also many things that I know God is trying to show me, that I refuse to see. I would rather not see the truth of what is happening around me, because it is easier.

Apathy. A little word with a lot of fear, which is powerless unless I give it power, behind it.

I give it a lot of power lately. So be praying for me, please, please.
Love you all.

And here is a pretty song. I've been listening to Kate Nash for the past few days. Her honesty, though sometimes not tactful, makes me happy.