Losing all control

In between working and keeping up with my Statistics class, I haven't had much time for anything else. I enjoy being busy, because whenever I end a shift at work, or finish a homework assignment, I have this relief that I did something productive.

Here is what I've been wanting to blog about for over a week now. I have mentioned before how I have realized how selfish I am. A couple weeks ago, my pride was revealed to me also. God showed me how I have always been blind to the people around me because of it. My heart hasn't been allowed to give love like it should, because I have been holding it inside, thinking that others didn't deserve it. Wow, I have thought I am so much better than other people.

A big part of it was confusing love with pride. I do try to love myself and have healthy boundaries with other people, but sometimes, with certain friends, I have confused loving myself with judging others. I don't even know how to correct myself, and told God that I can't even try. I'm just begging Him to show me how and what to do, and so far He has.

I was reading Exodus 34 yesterday, and ended up meditating on it for a while. Half of the reason was because of the prayer Moses prayed, that God would be with His people, even though they were obstinate. God listened to Moses, and I KNOW that He listens to me. I don't want to be prideful, or selfish. Chopping down my tree really exposed a lot of flesh I didn't know I had. It is good to read the Bible and see God in it like that, and I could actually feel my spirit reaching up through my body as I meditated on the verses. My body and my spirit have to be one. I can't push my spirit down anymore. I have to accept that I, my body, can not fix my spirit. When I do that, it seems that I am only making my body stronger and my spirit weaker, because I'm not letting Jesus do what He does best. I'm holding progress back with my own substitution, and doing that is pride. When I do this, I only beat the devil back, and refusing to see that I am in no control of the devil puts my spirit at risk of not holding up the power that Jesus has given me.

So by letting go, I see the risk that I take, letting go of fear to let God have control over my being. He is the source. I have nothing except for Him.

So I cry out day in and day out, that He would change me, because I can't live like this. This is not who I am.