The baby is absolutely adorable. The cutest thing I may ever see. The freaking stopped as soon as I held his little squirming body in my arms.

My parents are getting temporary, and possibly permanent custody, of their 2 month old great nephew. We found out this morning.

As Mom said earlier today while she continued cleaning and planning Saturday's Christmas party without hardly missing a beat, "Life goes on."

I sat on the kitchen stool, gaping at her as I slowly ate ice cream. Self-medicating with sugar and allowing myself to spiral into a shock at how different our lives were about to be was my plan. Hers was to continue planning the party and...clean.

Jon came in from the garage with grocery bags full of food for the party. He set them on the counter and paused to watch me carefully take a bite of ice cream.

"You enjoying that?" He smirked.

I didn't respond, just stared at the two boxes of Jiffy muffin mix peeking out from one of the bags. Jiffy. Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy Jiffy? Mom had the right mind to tell Jon to buy ANYTHING?

Mom was putting food in the closet at the speed of light. She suddenly looked panicked, started going through the bags, then saw the boxes of Jiffy. "Ah! There it is." She turned back to the closet without taking the bag with her.

My eyes glazed over and the blue print went out of focus. Jiffy. Jesus, what was happening? For once I didn't feel like I was being over-dramatic.

"But, Mom, it's a BABY. A BABY is coming here tomorrow."

"So? People bring babies home everyday."

I roll my eyes and can't help but laugh at her flippant use of logic in this situation.

"Mom. Those people KNOW for a while-they are prepared--

I was sputtering. I threw my hands out to emphasize the words I hoped would show my mother that I was completely freaking, and desired some validation that freaking was normal and acceptable in this situation.

"We haven't had time! We found out this morning."

"I've taken care of babies." Mom said with an eerie calm as she lowered her eyes and vigorously started scrubbing the counters.

I watched her, amazed at how she wasn't freaking, which only made me want to freak out more at her willingness to avoid the fact that our whole lives were suddenly changed.

I slid off the stool and climbed up the stairs.

So, I have realized that I need to do a lot more preparing for this Cuba trip. I have gotten a couple emails this week from my team leader with instructions for this trip that have scared the pants off of me. Cuba is no vacation. It is serious business. There is a long list of steps I have to literally walk in between flights that I have to memorize, and rules about what I can do and say. I'm basically a secret agent for Jesus, which would feel awesome if I felt more prepared, which I don't.

So I am NOT going to help feed the homeless tomorrow. I am staying home to study for the trip. And I am finally ripping Rosetta Stone's Spanish program open.

Ugh...I am so nervous...I could get sick. Gonna eat pizza, shower, and go to bed.

I got my sign. *huge smile paired with a girly freak-out*

I got a few signs actually.

So we're happy, and we're good, and we're living in this moment.

Moving on from that...it has been strongly hinted that I am facing a promotion at work.

I'm going to school today to officially withdraw from the only class I have yet to drop.

Obadiah is back on The R!OT (my favorite radio show of all time) with Nicki after he was sick in bed for a while. His replacement was just, not to be mean, boring.

My friends and Jon are almost done with their finals, so we'll be hanging out a lot more for the rest of the month. So happy!

I'm volunteering at a place that feeds the homeless tomorrow for the first time.

Cuba is fast approaching.

It is all very exciting.

To close, here is one of my new favorite mash-ups. Two Adele songs in one song? Yespleez.

No, I'm not done processing.

I think the hardest thing is believing that I am enough. That God looks at me and says that I don't have to have a label stamped on my forehead, "You're an expert at that." "You're a proffesional this."

So I'm living with that, with just being me, and not doing anything to "better" or "improve" myself.

I visited a church located very close on Sunday. The service was very sweet and genuine. I talked to a lovely girl after, the pastor's daughter, as well as her sister.

I visited The Wesley Foundation on Wednesday night. It was nothing short of amazing. I got to dance, and received ministry.

I am hesitant to jump into things quickly. Whenever I do, it tends to fizzle out quick. So I'll just keep an eye out for the signs that I know God has along this road I'm traveling, and keep visiting both places when I can.

Now about leaving school...I keep having to say no to discouragement about my future. And I am having to say no to depression also. It's crazy looking at everything I have done so far, my 14 years dancing, my Associate's degree in Social Work, my time with God, and then look at myself where I am at.

It's all going to be okay, and I know that God has always had a plan for me. I am on the right path, as strange as it looks to me. Everything around me is so unfamiliar. I am not used to not doing something constantly to prepare me for the future. There was always dance, all day, every day. There was always college classes, teaching me all sorts of life lessons.

No I just live out my days, extremely unsure of where God is taking me. I don't understand why I am here, and I keep trying to kick the thought away that I did something, made some sort of mistake that put me in the shoes I am wearing today. But I couldn't dance anymore, because it broke my heart and I lost my vision completely. And I couldn't become a Dietitian, because I didn't realize how much science was involved, and I was not wired to be that person who can know and remember all of those things.

And I could be a lot of other things that I would be good at, and probably enjoy, but do I have a vision for it?

I want to see people changed. I want to see cycles broken. People who didn't know they could live life differently see miracles explode throughout their lives. But where is my place in all of that. Where does God have me being in the future?

The girl who prayed for me last night during the ministry time at The Wesley Foundation prayed that God would help me during this hard season of my life. I didn't tell her that I was having a hard season, so it was encouraging to hear. Validating to know that God sees every thing I am going through, hearing all of my prayers, and that he has a plan (the girl's words to me in her prayer). Man, it was so good. I am so ready to forget this time and remember God's promises for me.

I love you, God, no matter what it takes. Obedience is what you deserve.

What I Want

I need a sign.

Anywho, I dropped out of school. A friend said, "Maybe you should say that you're just putting it on hold for now." But, no. I feel pretty done actually. Not seeing that changing any time soon, or later.

I realized that I didn't want the degree I was going for. Took me a little while, but I'm glad I know. I'm much happier, have more time to spend with friends and family. Have more time to dedicate to church and ministry once I find one and get involved. Just more time to do what really matters to me. It's all good.

But I do need a sign. So, please, God, show me CLEARLY. I want no doubt in my mind.

Working on loving myself also.

Much love, Jenny.

That moment when everything is forgotten because everything is new.

Want something like that again.

I am coming to realize how I do not love myself like I should. I have no respect for my intelligence, my health, my mind, my spirit. I just cut myself up. I'm beginning to realize this, beginning to realize that I need to shut it off, and beginning to realize that I don't know how.

Where does this come from? No one knows (they are not telling me anywho), but I want it to stop. I feel sick most of the time, so I put things in my mouth to relieve the stress (not even eating, and not even unhealthy, just SOMETHING, like chewing gum).

Where does it lead to? Most likely death, or death of conscious. Either way, no good. So it needs to go away.

Go away. I can't live like this anymore. Go, go, go.

In other news, I have started my church hunt officially. I got pointed in a good direction from a good friend, Dorsey. He's a good egg, with an eloquent way with words. Here is an example from the email I just received in answer to my question of where he was attending church services. (Just highlight the following, as I don't know how to make it better, aka fix it.)

Mine Sister! ...

...I'm super glad to hear that you are seeking a church body to fellowship with because I deeply value and am motivated by the desire and dependency God has given us for community. I think intimate community with the righteous is perhaps God's most obvious vehicle for personal growth, encouragement, and up-building, and to me, the bigger the family, the better (not that we'll all have the same relationships in that family, but I think and I see more and more every one counting). So, I just want to encourage you to really settle in with some folk, wherever the Spirit leads you, or if He lets you pick, wherever you choose, because it is a good thing--a very good thing--and I believe it is God's desire and intention for us. It's amazing what God can and does do with ten, a hundred, a thousand imperfect people being sanctified day by day, from one degree of glory to the next, until the Day of our Lord Jesus, when God completes the good work He began and has carried within us. ....

Puzzle pieces

Been wanting to post for a while, but I have so much to say. It's my blog though, so what the hay.

I have realized that I had not let go of The Well and the wonderful group of people that I met there. I was subconsciously expecting the meetings, or something like it, to happen again. But I realize that it is not, and I realize that life is going on without me. I have been spiritually in the same spot I feel for months, although I know that is not true. God is teaching me a lot right now, the main thing being listening to the wisdom He has given me without feeling like I have to wait for his promptings. If I see something that needs to be done, I should just do it. And if something needs to be said, I should say it. God trusts me, and it is time I learn to trust myself.

So I have begun church hunting. I haven't attended a church yet, but I am looking to go this Sunday if all goes well with my work schedule. I need to move on, let go, not expect what I expected before from the group of friends I had made the past several years. It is a new season, and I need to embrace this fact. I need to come to terms with the truth that I need a support group spiritually, something I have not had in a long, long time. But no fear! Wisdom is here, and kicking me off the couch and into the community.

I also can't get Same Kind of Different As Me (the book and true story) out of my head. It is about a homeless man, and though it touched my heart as I read it, a few months later it is breaking my heart. I have to do something. I have to go help in some way. The day after I realized this, I got wind from a friend that there is an amazing soup kitchen (or something similar) that is fairly close. I could go help! I really want to, not for the bragging, but for the lives that could be change and affected by Jesus in me. Jesus is in all Christians, and he makes us exist with a piece of the puzzle. I'm just on my way to finding out where that puzzle piece fits.

That is how I feel about church hunting. I may not get it right the first tries, but there is a piece that fits with mine! I just need to keep bumping into other pieces to make sure until I find the right one. It may take a week, it may take years. There is a piece that fits this one though, and it is the same colors as mine, and helps make a beautiful pattern.

So away I go.

Dreams about my downtime

God has been making sure that I know my television shows aren't a bad thing. At the same time, he has given me wisdom to use, and wisdom tells me that I need to stop if I'm going to be obedient on the course ahead of me, that course being school. Time just doesn't allow for all of the downtime that I wish I had.

I have had two dreams in which God has shown me how I can still unwind thoroughly during my downtimes, but keep them shorter than they would be if I kept unwinding by watching my shows.

The first one, I am sitting outside in a forest, on the edge of a natural pool. The dream lasts a while, and covers several trips I take to the pool. During each trip, I sit down and either think or read. Sometimes a girlfriend is sitting with me in my space. A witch (ofcourse a witch would come disturb my beautiful dream) eventually finds me there and gets in my space. The dream ends with me having to repeatedly remind her what my boundaries are and that she HAS to respect them. Her argument is that I let my girlfriend into my space, so why can't I let her? But I have to stand firm and not feel bad that I have different boundaries with them both.

The second one I had this morning. I am in a gymnastics group that travels and performs/competes. I have to remind those in my group that they are good whenever they feel insecure about their capabilities, and they in turn encourage me to remain strong too.

On a regular (almost daily) basis, I go find a closet or private space and cry from a very deep place inside me. I am very grieved of spirit during my travels, and only allow myself a small time to expel this grief, but I do it religiously. One time, a friend who has come to see my routine finds me in a closet after I have finished crying, and says, "I don't know how you do it all without going crazy!" Then she sees an open journal in front of me, full of writing, and says, "Oh! You journal. That explains it." I then think about it and realize that leaning on my journal to God really is helping me.

The last time I went to grieve right before the dream ended, a tall, beautiful lady followed me. When I knelt down and started crying, she put her hand on my shoulder and started praying for me. She prayed that I would have the strength to not watch the shows I want to watch so badly, so I have time to do everything I have to do.

Then I woke up.

It is funny how that last dream I didn't want to think was from God, even though it was so obviously so. I think this is mainly because I don't REALLY want to think God is paying me so much attention. It makes everything I do all the time so much more personal, and I want to remain aloof to what happens to me everyday, and not believe that it all counts for something. But everything counts, and everything matters. It is all more vastly and deeply important than I know right now, and it is affecting me daily.

No way.

I have no idea where my youth went. I didn't even know what youth was until it left, but I guess it was that look into the distant (or near) future and seeing nothing but bright lights and hope and wonderful. Ofcourse it was all going to be okay. Why wouldn't it be?

I think that it was the past year that brought about this change, the change being me not seeing bright lights anymore. I just see life, long and steady, the shoreline is ready to meet me, and we'll keep the same pace once we get there. The past year showed me how God is not black and white, and my destiny is not all about my happiness. Most days I'm probably not going to feel so good about it all, but I press on anyway, because I have to be obedient. If I quit now, what was the point of all these years? I'm just going to quit when it gets tough? No way. Then I never loved him at all.

Hard work. Dedication.

I thought that once I got out of Exodus I would be done with the Laws, but no.... Leviticus is all about offerings right now. I am SO glad that we don't have to worry about that now. THANK YOU JESUS FOR DYING FOR ME AND SAVING ME FROM THE TEDIOUSNESS OF THE LAW! WOOHOO!

I hit rock bottom this week in school. This is always a good thing, to hit rock bottom, because I bounce up real fast. And that is exactly what I did. Gotta take things seriously. Gotta have hard work and dedication. Gotta remember that hard work > talent. Gotta inch it up and forward, inching, inching, inching. Gotta do it!

It's gonna be awesome when it is all done. So worth it. Dietetics, so excited to get to pursue you.

And having a personal trainer is keeping me motivated. Wesley is pushing me harder and harder, little by little. He is so nice that I expect him to be nice...but then he inches the resistance level higher on a machine, or ups the weights, or tells me to go as fast or hard as I can, and then it is ON, or as he likes to say, "Rock n' roll!"

Saving my money for Cuba too, and getting a bit of support. I'm thankful for this job right now fo sho. Money is tight for everyone right now, and I am happy to be able to pay a chunk of the way myself.

Alright. Good night!

Sleeep

I will not be sleeping much, due to working a morning shift. Morning shifts aren't my favorite. I am not a morning person. I will be drinking coffee...lots of coffee...or another caffeinated drink.

I would like to visit Fairmount Park at some point in my life. It seems like a nice place.

My legs were in much pain during my shift tonight due to Zumba last night and doing lower half strength training with Wesley (my personal trainer) this morning. Looking forward to sleep...so goodnight.

Puppy!

I made a B on my precalculus test last night. Yes! So excited.

I love that "it's a new day" feeling I get whenever I finish a test. It makes me want to push myself a little harder to get it right. I feel like the bee in Bee Movie who kept flying into the glass over and over, "This time, this time, this time!" Except there is no glass. I just gotta keep flying to make it past the window. :)

I have started having intercessory dreams again. Thank. The Lord. I had seriously not wanted them for the past few months, and that was cool with God. We had been working on other things anyway. But now I have been craving praying for others on a deep level again! It opens up my heart to love more, and helps me feel connected to others. I NEED that right now. I started listening to a lot of talk radio (The R!OT is my fave show) just to get some kind of people time. Praying helps an extrovert feel a little closer to other souls.

I really want a puppy. For the past two days I've been craving constant and loyal company. I know I can't get one right now because of time and money and living with my family, but one day...it is so happening.

Looking forward to Cuba. I will definitely have my share of company then...I'll probably get sick of it, lol. But I want to be close to the body. I have definitely taken it for granted in the past. I need to get in there somehow.

I also want to watch The Thing. It actually isn't a horror, but an interesting science fiction movie. I looohahahaooooove sci fi. Which reminds me...I need to bump some sci fi shows up on Netflix.

Gotta love Hayley Williams.

"But it will be okay."

"I think I may have to drop a class." I have two tests on Wednesday and I am FREAKING inside.

God says, "Jenny, it's all going to be okay."

"How can it be? I have no time to study for TWO tests!"

"I know. But it will be okay."

"I just don't get you sometimes."

This is the conversation we had as I was walking into Biology lab on Monday. I had skipped the Biology class before to go ahead and start studying, and arrived to lab a few minutes late. When I entered the lab, my energetic friend, Debbie, rushes over to me. She had thought I wasn't going to show up at all since I didn't make it to class. At first she is talking about how we are going to have to do the activities without the other half of our group, since they seem to have definitely skipped. Then she notices how I am slumped over the table, my face telling the story of how I am NOT looking forward to this day at all.

"We can do this!" She exclaims. "We're just as smart as the other two."

"I know. Actually, we're smarter. I found that out last week when you weren't here. They wouldn't slow down long enough to let me do anything, then they did the activities wrong."

"NO."

"Yes. But I just can't believe I have two tests on Wednesday."

Debbie stops flipping through her notebook and looks at me over her shoulder slyly, lowering her voice as if about to spill some juicy gossip. "He moved our test to NEXT Wednesday."

My jaw drops. An entire extra week to study and finish reading my text? As quickly as this information made its way through my ears to my brain was right when I recalled the conversation I had with God walking into lab. It really WAS going to be okay. I beamed back at Debbie as we snickered at our luck. I could now concentrate on the steps we were supposed to be following in the lab notebook.

"What's the first step?" I asked as I looked over Debbie's shoulder. And we sashayed around the lab like giddy teenage girls primping for a date, gathering our supplies together, and for the first time ever, actually having fun during Biology lab.

The power a viewpoint has on every moment in our lives. I have to remember that. It will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.

"How did you know? ...I love this song!"

It really IS a great song.

Waka, waka!

I went to Zumba tonight for the first time with Mom. I really am out of shape! I had to stop and sit down for 10 minutes because I thought I was going to spew. Mom said that I turned white as a sheet, and the teacher came up to me afterward and asked if I had heart problems. The truth is that I ate poorly today. I ate excellent yesterday, but I just didn't have an appetite today. Bad excuse though, because I know better.

I've been knocked out all night because of the class. I had SO MUCH fun though! I am completely sold. Getting to shake my booty like I did in the old days was such a blessing. The Zumba teacher, Maria, said the same thing that Wesley said to me..."Trust the process." Okay, okay! I get it already.

I talked to the leader of the trip to Cuba today! She is so nice, and was joking with me. So happy that they don't seem legalistic at all! It's gonna be a good trip, I can already tell. It will definitely challenge me to grow up more, but I want that so much right now.

I got a lot of stuff on my mind (I need to go running).

The song I'm loving right now! Anything Adele is just sooo gooood.

"Blame it on my ADD."

My podcasts won't play on Wisteria II, on account of her not being an iPod. FINE!

So I started Personal Training this week. My trainer is Wesley, and he is a good soul. I have done 2 of the 3 sessions for this week, and plan to do once a week after this. I did not realize how weak I was until he was having me stretch. I really miss my old body these days. I was fine with it until a couple months ago...then I started to remember how amazing I was when I was dancing. Not comparing myself to anyone else, because if I did, then I would still be considered to be strong. But comparing myself to myself, I am such a sissy right now.

And I'm not sure I'm okay with that anymore. I'm ready to be pushed to the brink, and then over it. Luckily, Wesley is smarter than me and is urging me to trust the process. Gosh. I miss being strong SO BAD.

I'm not good at studying so much either. I do study, but not as much as I should be. The plan is to ground myself at school tomorrow. I have two tests next week on the SAME DAY. Life is hard, but life is good. I guess it is time to be pushed in every area of my life.

It either did or didn't help that I watched Stick It. I identified with too much of that movie, but who can say no to Jeff Bridges? Nope, can't do it, can you? Thought so.

"This is how I show my love."

Wow. The problem really was me thinking that I needed to change. I had not realized that I was in a constant state of thinking that I could be just a little bit better if I tried hard enough. So I was constantly trying, and constantly striving, and constantly failing.

Today I just was, and it was AMAZING! What is even more amazing is that I felt like I did when I was kid. I didn't feel the need to judge myself. I didn't have any reason to think that anything I was doing was wrong.

And I realized how I had really made a mess of things whenever I began to believe the lie that I needed to change the way I live. I was living just fine. I wasn't constantly navel-gazing, worrying that I was doing something wrong or wasting time. I just lived, abiding in the vine. I was so care-free! I still had responsibilities and activities, but I was able to enjoy them.

Today it was suddenly there, the same as it was before, the way I lived as a child. I floated around all day. It. Was. AMAZING!

I also realized the existence of RadioU's Worst of the R!OT podcast on iTunes! I put one of those suckers onto Wisteria II, and my car ride to Advisement today was so much fun! I had forgotten how funny Obadiah and Nikki are. I am currently downloading all of their podcasts and putting them onto Wisteria II. Oh yes. This, and my audio book, and my IHOP teachings, and my music...I am so set. (I was listening to Rick Pino also, and OMGOSH! That totally go my mind in a great place before work.) Not to mention the catching up I sometimes get to do with my friends on the phone. I am determined to stay positive about all the time I have to spend driving. It does not have to be a miserable time, and so it won't.

So away I SAIL.

"I just wanna walk you home."

I basically feel like I will always be the same person. I thought that by now I'd be more pulled together, but I think that this is it. Every time I think that Jesus is going to change me...well...he never does. Instead he just looks at me and says, "I love you." or "I know you can do this." And he isn't loving future me, or talking about a future me doing something. He is talking about me right now. So I gotta just use what I got.

And I got a lot whenever I actually do use it. So this should be famously good.

Song of the day.

Songs of the hour

Dream: Traveling down Africa

In my dream, I had been assigned to help a group cross from one side of Africa to the other. The group consisted of people of different ages and in different stages of life. There were single people, families, ect. Each person in this group had their own assignment that they were to complete while crossing Africa. Everyone was very focused on their individual assignments.

Although I do not know who assigned me to the group, it was not the lady who was over the group and its mission in Africa entirely. She was not aware of my assignment, and was not to me notified of it in any way. This was because she had a legalistic mindset, and would not understand my purpose. So I worked in secret.

At first I went from person to person, or family, in the group, making sure they were completing their assignments as well as the journey. It came to a point though where the stress of what they were having to do was taking its toll on everyone. Worried about the people, I began to switch them with each other temporarily. For example, I switched one lady who was traveling with her husband and baby with a single college-aged man. The lady had become very stressed trying to complete her assignment, travel, and also take care of her baby. When I had them switch temporarily, it allowed the lady to be relieved of the stress and clear her head before switching back.

I traveled all through Africa, sometimes reversing my steps in order to help people. I found that the best way to help the group travel faster and produce high quality work ethics in their assignments was to keep them switching roles, back and forth, amongst each other.

By the time I reached the bottom of Africa I had grown to love the people so much that it made me cry to think of how I would soon have to leave them. But I knew that I had to leave so that the lady in charge would not known what I had done to help them finish. It was for the safety of the group.

I returned to the top of Africa and was able to see all of the group finishing their assignments and journey. I watched the single college-aged man carrying a baby carrier and walking beside the father. The man could not see me watching, but I saw that he had started crying also as he watched the lady he had switched roles with. I looked at the rest of the group, and saw numerous people start crying or be overcome with strong emotion. I was able to hear what they were thinking, and they too were overwhelmed with the love that had grown between all of them throughout the journey. It was only because they started switching roles with one another that this love was able to be planted and grow, because before they had been consumed with their singular assignments, and had not been extending the hand to help each other. They had learned and truly experienced empathy, and realized how precious it is to recognize the stress in each other lives. Once they switched roles and experienced it for themselves, they realized how real the cause of the stress was. This made them admire the strength the other had for enduring the trials it took to complete the assignments and the journey. It was incredible to behold the entire group being unified at such a deep level with such unbreakable bonds.

I did not even notice my tears anymore as I watched them love each other so openly and without shame. We all now realized that this journey was not about completing the assignments. It was not about being in Africa and getting to travel down it. It was about learning and getting to empathize with each other. It was about looking around and recognizing what the person beside us was going through and getting to help them through it.

It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen and had the privilege to be a part.

But then I woke up and realized that it was just a dream, and had to wonder how I could begin to see that happen.

And tonight I realize that it starts with me.

"Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Colossians 3:14

"Bear one anothers' burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

Hey there still, small voice.

I was thinking about one of the books I read last year, The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul by Douglas Adams. It is one of my favorite books I have had the pleasure to read so far, and God took the time to speak to me so much through it, and he continues to to this day. This is proof to me that God uses all things for the good of those who love him, even a secular novel.

Tonight he was telling me that, much like the main character in the book, I would not be able to move forward and be happy until I live for a much different purpose.

This seems easy, since I have not seemed to have much of an overall purpose or goal for quite some time. When I have, they have been WRONG. Dead wrong, and God has had to correct me and teach me through it.

Now God was reminding me how the main character, Dirk Gently, could not be raised from his gloomy and murky depression until he began to live his life outside of his own. His depression and way of life had to be invaded, rudely interrupted, in order to shake him awake. Characters who he had not touched in any way before had to matter to him. He had to begin to help them and exist to finish what he had started. He had to want to reach out. He had to begin to teach others what he had learned but forgotten.

(This actually also happened in The Visitation by Frank Peretti. I highly recommend both books, but The Visitation is the one with the Christian author.)

God wants me to do this also. I think that is part of what Cuba is about, and also the dream a had a couple days ago...but that is another blog...which I'll probably write after I finish this one.

So I think this is why I suddenly feel so old, yet so useless. Why I feel not good enough for anyone or anything. Because I AM useful. I AM good enough for someone and something. But the devil is a liar, and is trying to keep me here. Keep me fed with my own apathy, complacency, and depression. Why stop here though? Why not give it a fight?

So away I go.

Incomplete

I guess I thought I was okay until I ran this morning.

But every time someone at work asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm "good" or "great", but can't look them in the eye. So I know then that I'm sorta off.

And when I was running this morning, I processed through all of it, until I arrived at the conclusion and then the question. I feel incomplete, like I'm missing my chest, but I'm moving through life anyway.

Why do I feel incomplete?

It makes no sense. I don't get it. Usually I'm fine. Great. But for most of the year now, I have been descending down and down.

But I think my eyes are just being opened to how I am inside so I can let God help me deal with it. This is how I've been all along, but I was high as a kite before, and couldn't see it.

This still doesn't answer my question though. WHY in the heck would I feel so empty or put aside or whatever this is? I feel like this life should be enough, and that it should make me happy. Instead I feel like it is going to swallow me whole and spit me out the other side a completely new and different person...

...which may be God's intent.

Grrr Arrrgh Grrr

I'm going to bed.

Old

'Cause if I'm restless then why do I

I want nothing but to rest my soul?

And I don't get this and I know why

You see sometimes things are just beyond control.

I have been feeling so old this past week. Not sure if anyone will get me when I say this, especially those who are younger than me. I was feeling just dandy last summer. I had the world at my feet.

Now I'm just old and tired and growing older and more tired.

But I think what it REALLY is, is that my list of things I need to do and want to do keeps getting longer while time keeps getting shorter.

Therefore, I feel old and tired, then older and tired...er.

But I'm going to Cuba in a couple months, so be excited for me! I need to do this.

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know

But I may know someone who knows me more than I

And if I somehow could rest this soul

Maybe control could find its way back to my life

"I'm in the race, but I've already won, and getting there can be half the fun."

I have always loved the movie Legally Blonde. The first night I watched it, I watched it two times in a row. I haven't done that since, and that was back in middle school. It makes me so happy.

Anyway, this movie comes to mind, because for the past 3 months, God has been trying to get me to face how I'm afraid to live up to my full potential. I cop out a lot. I'm very smart, and when I apply myself, it really comes across. Those times when I do apply myself are few and far between though.

I have been applying myself at work, and people, including myself, have noticed. At first it was hard to force myself to think about so many things at once as I helped multiple customers at the same time. Now I hate it when I'm not helping a lot of people. I get bored and start praying that God will sweep more shoppers into the store.

When I do school, I don't push myself at all. It has been coming across in my grades, and I need to set higher standards for myself. I look around me and see how I'm just grabbing onto what my peers at school and everywhere I go expect from me: to not take it so seriously. Go to school, come home, chill out.

I guess this was fine when I was a Social Work student and I had no immediate plans for my future. I did not know what I wanted to do when I "grew up". So it didn't seem to make a difference. And I made good grades anyway, because my teachers were amazing.

Now I am actually taking classes that are steering me clear into my future, but I am sticking to my old, lazy routine. On my ride home from work tonight, I realized that I had some serious choices and sacrifices to make. I'm going to have to cut out a lot of my downtime that I have clung onto, and wake my brain up to work harder so I can catch up. I don't want to fall even more behind.

So, that is my story. I have to sacrifice my current happiness in order to find new joys in my new daily routine.

This may sound minor, but I am pretty comfortable with my current routine of bumming out. It makes me want to cry when I think of how I'm having to leave it. I hate getting older right now! Being a kid was SO AWESOME!

But it will get easier, just like being a sales associate did. Then I will be bored just thinking about bumming out!

Perspective

I was chatting with my friend, Laura, for a few hours the other night (we had a lot of catching up to do). One of the things we talked about was how God had been teaching her about perspective. Here are her words.

• "Ok. I've thought about this a lot for a while.

• If you break it down

• it's all the little choices. Your overall perspective and way of life is contained in the minute decisions. Whether you do the extra math problem, getting the dishes done so someone else doesn't have to, helping out when asked even if it'd be more convenient not to. How everything affects you, and especially the people around you, on a heart level. How every time that you chose to step up, you're moving forward as a person and getting closer to what God has for your life.

  • When you go to work.

  • You can have a negative or positive perspective.

  • When you sit on your bed, thinking about life, you can have a negative or positive perspective.

  • You can line it up with what God has for you and for others, you can look to what you can learn and grow from and experience. Love and pain are often equal teachers.

  • Every time that you chose to learn instead of stuffing it, it makes such a freaking difference. Love. Love. Love. Bring it all back to love.

  • There's a meaning behind everything. Find it. Apply it.

  • Focus on the goal. Something might SUCK. But if you can look at where you're going, you can build back up and get there.

  • God has plans that go far beyond our imaginations. He's setting things up every day. Ya gotta have faith for that and keep moving forward and living."

"No, it's not for a friend. I'm a drag queen."

My day was amazing and crazy.

My Statistics teacher was the substitute for my Precalculus class. When I walked in to the classroom and saw him, I was so excited. I had not realized how much I missed him teaching me math until that moment.

My classmates seemed stunned by how awesome he was, as he dazzled us with his teaching skills and wit. Soon they were joking with him, all stress disappeared, and before we knew it there were only 5 minutes of class time left. The teacher stopped then, because he had finished up an example, and didn't want to start another one right before the end of class. One student said, "But...we still have 5 minutes!"

"Yeah!" The rest of the class said. No one wanted it to be over. I was shocked by their enthusiasm, but it was, indeed, over.

I went to Trader Joe's, which is always awesome. I get my free tiny cup of quality coffee, and mosey around until I find something different I want to eat. Today it was pancakes. I got organic cinnamon applesauce to put on it. It's gonna be gooood.

I ate at Chick-fil-A, but they started playing a classical version of the song "Killing Me Softly". No words, just the music. I ditched that joint in a hurry.

I went to work, and it turned into my craziest shift yet.

I helped a drag queen choose a dress.

A female customer definitely hit on me.

I picked out the perfect pair of jeans for a female rapper, and she got so excited that she started cussing a LOT more than I usually hear. Then my manager forgot to put the jeans in her shopping bag, and I ran all over the mall before tracking her down.

And to rap it up, I somehow ended up praying for and prophesying to my manager.

When I was done praying, she looked at me out of the corner of her eye and asked, "Are you psychic?"

My manager was also asking me about speaking in tongues and prophesying. I realized that I had never been in a situation in which I had to explain those things, since I was always around Spirit-filled Christians. I need to study up on how to answer such questions so I am understood. I spend more time with people who aren't Christians these days than I ever have...except for my dancing days, but this is way more intense.

Anywho, I need to try to go to bed. I still am not sleeping until the wee hours of the morning.

"Let me see ya wobble!"

Jon and I got new hats today. WAZZUUUP?!?

They were buy one 25% off and get one free. What. A. Deal.

I'm stressing less about school, and getting more done. Funny how that works.

Still enjoying Family Force 5's III EP.

Let me see ya wobble!

I was also checking out Children 18:3's stuff today. I have always enjoyed their music, but have never purchased a CD. I read their biography on their myspace, and it said some pretty neat stuff about revival and "rain" sweeping the country and wanting to be a part of it, hence the band and the latest CD's title, "Rain's A Comin'".

They are all siblings, they were all home schooled and they are all on fire for Jesus.

The girl is my hero.

I'm heading to bed for reals. Got 4 hours of sleep when I finally passed out this morning.

Under my skin

The completely wrong people get under my skin.

People who like me and love me, these are the ones who I should let slide under my skin, but no. I instead dread and whine and complain about all the insecure losers in my life. Geez. Why can't I value everyone else instead? I give all the boring people too much of a foothold in my life. I've got lots of friends who I open up my heart to, and they to me, but I don't find myself talking about them much.

This has got to stop. I have got to clean out my skin and get the useless episodes of the day out and dwell instead on the lovely episodes of the day...

The end.

(And no, I did not sleep a wink. I don't want to scream anymore though. I went to the gym. :P

This happens about once a month it seems. I can't sleep, usually for no obvious reason, and end up being as productive as possible until I collapse. This can't be healthy, but it happens to me anyway.)

Dang girl! I'm all about you.

Jon got me the Family Force 5 III EP for my birthday, and I am in love with this song.

I was singing it while I was doing my precalculus homework. Sooo goood. Plus, I actually understand what homework I finished tonight. Even when I thought I didn't understand it after Dad tried to explain it, I realized as I continued with the homework that it made sense.

I need to get back into the Word. I've realized that I set daily goals that are too lofty for me to complete. I have decided to narrow it down to one chapter a day. That is simple enough, and the Word is the Word. A large or small dose produces the same results. That is what is so lovely about grace. You could be a hooker or a slacker...you still get to hear the angels sing once you let Jesus be your friend.

I'm going to bed before I hurt someone. I'm tired and feel like screaming.

Thirsty for knowledge!

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” - John Burroughs

Time ticks away day after day. I’m constantly doing something, but it still feels like I only get a fraction of what needs to be done completed. There is so much more that I want to do! I was studying in Barnes and Noble tonight before work, and after I was finished I walked around and drooled over all the books. I want to read the life of Mother Theresa and John Muir. I want to learn the history of the world. I want to know the names of all the trees. I want to know the migration patterns of animals. I want to know the teachings of Charles Stanley. I want, I want, I need, I need.

I am reading through Walt Whitman's poems right now. From what I have read so far, I assume that he was high on drugs and a practicing bisexual most of his life. Still, he loved nature and had some beautiful thoughts.

Life is hard to ignore.

Ran with Jon at the park after work. I'm so happy we left indoors to be outside in the lovely weather.

One of our cleaning ladies thinks that I lose too much hair. It is all over my room (and my bathroom). She's right about the latter. It is always everywhere lately. I had actually thought that my hair felt thinner, but I'm still not sure. Mom said I can go ahead and get a physical though, since it's been a while.

I know that I am losing more hair than I should be for sure. Mom and I think it is due to stress. I'm pretty exhausted, even with the sleep. My sleep schedule still isn't disciplined though. I sleep for an adequate number of hours, but I still stay up late some nights. Maybe that could cause stress?

Let's just write out factors of stress in my life.

Poor sleep habits

Stressful working environment

Precalculus

Biology tests

Trying to find time to have a healthy lifestyle

...I'm going to bed.

And I'm sure that you hoped for a happier tune. So did I, so did I.

I can be a queen. :)

So work was great today. It felt like the first week. I had my new manager opening with me, and she is a stickler for rules. I like rules. Rules that make sense that is, and rules that help reduce chaos make sense.

I remembered to pray for the day, and sure enough I got some great customers and we had a lot of fun.

I'm still mad at some people though, so you can be praying for me.

Mom and I talked about my flying dream. She thinks it's about abiding with the Holy Spirit even when others don't like it.

I think she is right. :-)

Love you all.

And I'm going to post the same song twice, because I can.

When time simply won't stand still, it's so nice knowing you will.

I got a burger from Longhorn's for my bday. Yum, yum. Burgers have been my favorite thing on the menu my whole life.

I work for the next three days. It will be okay. I'm hoping that last week was just a bad week, and it will be clearer at work this weekend. If not, Dad is encouraging me to look for work elsewhere, since it isn't worth working for minimum wage if I'm unhappy.

I have to go to bed, but I'm had a good birthday. The day may have seemed pretty ordinary from the outside, but this past week I've been thinking a lot about how I would like this year to look like, and I'm ready to see that happen. Time is short, and I don't want to let it pass me by.

Gotta sleep before waking up early. Hello again, Memory Foam. You are wonderful new friend. :)

Hello 22!

When I was 21 I...
graduated with my Associate's Degree.
learned that sugar has a negative affect on me, came off of it, and stopped feeling depressed.
lost 30 pounds and discovered my love for running.
learned a stronger appreciation for Family.
changed my career pursuit to becoming a dietitian.
decided to stop trying to "be good" and just accept grace.
lost, made, regained, and strengthened friendships.
realized how bold, secure, and fearless God has made me to be.

And now to me during my year of being 22...

let's make friendships stronger.

let's go on more walks and runs outside.

let's read poetry everyday.

let's grow to love God's Love Letter even more.

let's be a queen.

let's be a heroine.

let's spend more time with Family.

let's not expect anyone to make fun for you, travel for you, or love for you.

let's fly everywhere, everyday.

let's meditate more.

let's absorb more information about the spiritual and physical world around you.

let's never ever EVER try to "be good" ever EVER again.

let's learn not to hide under a bushel.

let's travel.

let's have peace.

let's bring it. I was born to make this year Long.

Sleepy and hungry. Very hungry.

I am really enjoying the memory foam mattress in the guestroom. I sleep so good and deep. When I wake up, it always takes me a few seconds to remember who I am, where I am, what day it is, and what the agenda is. (Actually, it may be a bad thing I enjoy that moment so much. ha.)

I am really enjoying the weather. It is making me sleepy and hungry. I want to curl up on the couch squished with my family and watch TV.

I would have done that this evening, but I kept ignoring my homework, so I couldn't let myself do that without feeling guilty. Although, what is the difference between ignoring your homework squished with family and ignoring it in a chair by yourself? Probably not much. But just doing my homework is the better choice, ofcourse. :P

Also, you can be praying that I learn how to deal with my job better. Been getting angry, and anger is a very destructive and violent force. It can't have power and control over me.

I am free.

I woke up in a fantastic mood. I have asked God to take away my dirty laundry. I have asked him to kill all the spiders hiding in my closet.

And now it is clear that all I must do is proclaim it, proclaim it, PROCLAIM IT. I am free. I am free. I am free. Who the Son sets free is free indeed!

I need him everyday, every hour. He used Peter, the man who denied him three times. He used everyone he wanted to, because he was the one who was shining the whole time. It is not up to me, and it is not me. It must always be him.

So clean am I, and clean is my closet. I am no good, God, but you most certainly are.

I'm not good enough.

So I went to go sleep, but I could not sleep. I was in my bed, completely exhausted, not sleeping.

So annoying.

And I kept thinking about the dream that I had last night, knowing that I needed to actually go over it with God. Not the one I had during my nap. No. I had another one. I have not been having dreams from God for a while. Well, I did have one a couple weeks ago, but that was it. The meaning of that one was obvious.

This dream just makes me sad. I hate it when God does that. He loves me so much, and has to give me these dreams to make me realize how much he loves me and that I need to LET him love me.

How do I do that? I can't even let my family and friends love me. I am never going to be good enough for him or anyone else to love me. I fail. I fail, I fail, I fail. If anyone knew the real me, I doubt they would think I was sane.

And this is what it boils down to; the fact that I don't ever want anyone to know me keeps me from knowing God.

I know that I don't have to be good. The point of grace is not having to be good, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a good person. Even when I want to be good, it is only so that way I'll feel good. That reason is selfish, which means that even when I am being good, I am actually not good. You following?

But do other people understand that? I'm not sure. I certainly don't understand. I hate what I have done. I can not forgive myself. I keep bringing it up everyday. My closet is stuffed full of dirty laundry, and I can't let God throw it out. How do I let him do that? I don't know how.

I need to be a dead person. I need to let myself be dead. I have to be dead to the world. Dead to sin. Dead to perfect. Dead to good. Face the fact that I am never going to be good enough for Jesus. I am never going to be good enough for anyone. And I have to believe that that is okay. I can let the dirty laundry go, and not acknowledge it anymore. I have to believe that it isn't there in my past anymore, waiting to come out and haunt me. I need to stop believe the lie that my sin is still there, waiting to judge me. I am the only one who is judging in this situation. I see no one else pointing fingers except myself.

Memory foam = heavenly sleep

I've been sleeping a lot.

Not more than a usual person should, just the normal, healthy amount. I've been reading articles on the importance of sleep, and am surprised by what I have learned. Sleep is much more important than I thought. This is a fact of which I plan to take much advantage.

And now it is 9 pm and I am ready for bed once more. Sleeping on the memory foam mattress in one of our guest bedrooms has been lovely. So I will listen to my body, and say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Dream: The king and his two wives

I had a dream during my nap today. It seems to be a response from God to my previous blog.

It started with me trying to do many everyday things, and finding them all hard for me to accomplish. I would drive somewhere, try to do something, and not be able to do it right. I was very frustrated, and in a bad mood for most of the dream.

I met a king and his beautiful wife in an old, abandoned hotel. I knew that they were dead, and I was seeing ghosts. I would see other ghosts too, some not even human. No one else who was alive could see them. I was not only frustrated now, but angry that I could see the ghosts. I was angry because I knew that it was not normal for me to be having conversations with dead people. I kept trying to leave them, but I would find myself back in the hotel, in their presence soon after trying to get away. It felt like a nightmare.

The wife started approaching me alone and reaching out tenderly, putting her hand on my collarbone and moving it up my neck. It freaked me out, because I did not know this woman. A voice, that sounded like the king's, said to me, "This is how pregnant women respond around other pregnant women." I became angry and thought, I am not pregnant, and I don't believe she is either! The wife looked hurt, and I tried to leave her. The king approached me swiftly and ordered, "You need to stay away from my wives. People who are alive should not be near them." It was not my wish to be near his wives in the first place, and I tried to leave once more.

Another beautiful woman soon approached me. I saw she was pregnant, but her pregnancy made me extremely uncomfortable. I am not pregnant! She can't be either! But she reached out and touched my shoulder, even as I cowered away. She pulled a shawl, that I had not noticed I was wearing, back onto my shoulder where it had almost fallen. I ran away, knowing that this gesture was only meant to be from one pregnant woman to another. I was not going to see that she was pregnant, and that I, therefore, must also be pregnant, so I decided to see the situation as being perverted. "I will tell the king your secret, that you like women!" I yelled as I left the room, for I knew that the king was also this woman's husband. Pain filled her eyes, her hand frozen in the air from where she had placed it on my shoulder. I turned away.

I picked up my shirt and studied my belly. I refused to see that it was looking a little swollen. I am not in an early pregnancy! I am not the king's wife! I pulled my shirt back down and tried leaving the hotel in my car to resume doing the things that I could not master.

I found myself outside of the hotel once more. There were two ghosts who were stuck in a sort of warp between being alive and dead. I knew that they needed to fly, but they did not know how. "I know how," I said. "I will teach you." It made me angry that I knew how to fly. People who were alive did not how to fly, so why did I? But there was no one else to teach the ghosts, and there was something in me that wanted to help them.

We went to the roof of the hotel and I jumped off. I flew easily, and this also made me angry. I hoped no one would see me. I turned and shouted at the ghosts, "You try!" One jumped and soon flew easily. The other followed, but fell into the pool that was outside the hotel. I flew into the pool, and encouraged it to surface before it made contact with the bottom of the pool. It resurfaced, and the ghosts flew off, happy to not be stuck anymore

I saw the king and his two wives I had met had been watching this scene unfold from the roof. I flew up to them, and the king spoke kindly. "I did not yet know that you were dead. My wives said you were, but you kept doing things that alive people do. When I saw you flying I knew it was true you were dead. That's why it's been hard for you to do those things. People who are alive do those things, but you're already dead."

In a flash my anger began to leave me as I realized that I had been dead for quite some time, and trying to be as one who is alive. The king continued his speech. "Welcome to Narnia!" He exclaimed. And I was being lifted onto a throne surrounded by white light by the king. The two wives knelt on either side of him as he set a crown that appeared to be too big on my head. "You will always be a ruler here," He stated with authority and finality. I had a feeling that this welcome and coronation was belated, since I had been living as one who is alive, even though I had been in Narnia, and just as dead as the king, his wives, and the rest of the ghosts.

The light that surrounded the throne swirled and enveloped me, and I was again sucked up and out of my dream.

As I struggled to open my eyes and leave my heavy sleep, I heard the king give these instructions. "You need to wake up. You can't sleep just because others do. Don't go anywhere. You need to stay in your house for a little while. When you do leave never leave the house in your car anymore. You must fly everywhere you go. People won't like to see you fly, but you must anyway."

When I was finally able to open my eyes (I had quickly fallen back asleep after this dream), I was soaking wet with sweat from head to toe. What had been a stressful nightmare for so long had ended on a surprisingly high note. I had been empowered to fly...whatever that means (I do NOT know what that means).

Let me know if you know what that means before I know what that means. Eh, You are still confusing me, God, even with the dreams.

Shine. Make them wonder what you got.

It may be safe to say that I had not understood the concert experience until I saw Newsboys and Switchfoot perform at the end of Celebrate Freedom 2011 last night.

Due to a very stressful week at work, during which I got in trouble for not doing things that I did not know I was supposed to be doing or did not understand, I kept having flashbacks of the conversations one of my managers had with me. They kept coming all during the day, as I'm trying to celebrate freedom, and it was a nuisance that left me feeling more stressed than I had felt at the time I was being lectured.

And it wasn't even that the lectures were mean. It's just that I had not known what I was supposed to be doing, and when I found out, it just seemed like I should have already known. Common sense just had not struck me, or I have been distracted by school. I guess I was realizing yesterday that there is much more to living than I had thought. I can't just be a student. I must also be a sales associate. I can't flail through life with my head just above water. I have to walk on it.

So, I thought, I need to pull it together. But...can I pull it together?

Then the Newsboys and Switchfoot performed, and the songs they were singing, especially Switchfoot's, were all about daring to keep moving forward, shining your light, despite all of the persecution and fight that meets you along the way. Why? Because Jesus is the ruling force on this earth, even if we don't always see it. That is the Truth.

And if I'm going to walk on water, the only way to do it is to look at the Truth, hold it's gaze, never wavering. It must always be directly in front of me, and I must always be seeing it.

So away I go.

Motion

I had not worked out consistently for nearly 3 weeks. After studying and taking my finals, I was so stressed, and working out could have helped. But as Dad always tells me, a body in motion stays in motion, and a body not in motion...stays on the couch (I think that is how that ends). Anyway...

Been to the gym 3 times this week, one of the times being today. I was not sore until I was a quarter of a way through with my work-out. Then my muscles suddenly tightened, and I lost feeling in my right foot...that can't be good. I'm gonna blame it on dehydration, and not loosening up when I work-out on the machines. I always want to dance and yell and sing when I'm running. But I never do...unless I'm the only one in the gym, which is not often. I want to be like Chad.

I have a full weekend of homework and playing with Jon lined up. Gonna be AWESOME! Unless my work schedule eats it up. I hope not. I'll find out tomorrow when I get my schedule.

Goodnight!

A detour in Barnes and Noble

I had a couple precious hours after my class before I had to go to work. The decision was made to go to Barnes and Noble.

Upon finding the poetry section, I stared and stared. I wanted to read something new to me. Finally, I asked God what poet I would like. He said, "You would like Mary."

I found Mary Oliver, and picked one of her books. I sat down, opened to the first poem, and read.

What can I say that I have not said before?

So I'll say it again.

The leaf has a song in it.

Stone is the face of patience.

Inside the river there is an unfinished story

and you are somewhere in it

and it will never end until all ends.

Take your busy heart to the art museum and the

chamber of commerce

but take it also to the forest.

The song you hear singing in the leaf when you

were a child

is singing still.

I am of years lived, so far, seventy-four,

and the leaf is singing still.

I was like :O because I was just singing to God the other night on my guitar how I hated to not do what I used to do. Sitting so still for hours in the forest, watching nature pass by. Journaling and writing stories and drawing and reading and just using my attention span to its fullest. I felt those days were gone. But I pick up this little book of poems, and the first page feels like God beckoning me to be who I am more today than I was then.

So away I go.

Jealousy

Sometimes I am not on the same page as my friends. They are excited about something that I am not. excited. about. The need to express ourselves is there though, and I want there to always be freedom between us. So I nod my head and smile, because being different from each other, and being influenced by different things is part of what makes us unique. I can't add my enthusiasm to all of the things we share daily, because we aren't enthusiastic for the same things, but I can show that I acknowledge their passions. And my friends make me think about things I wouldn't usually be stop to think about, because a lot of my passions usually lie elsewhere.

This must be a reason God wired us to need each other; To reach past our own minds, our own motives, our own selfishness, and realize that there is someone there on the other side, experiencing completely different things in their mind's eye.

And since I'm talking about friendships, I'll add this as well. I was thinking today about why I get jealous of some friends, and them of me. Talking to God, he gently said that I can not control my friends' feelings towards me, only my own. He said that I could take it a step further, and try to go to the root of my own jealous heart.

I thought about it, and realized that my jealousy stemmed from my own passiveness towards my own life. When I am jealous of another, it is usually always because they have accomplished something that I have wanted to do, but simply don't.

I said, "If I did what I set out to do everyday, I would have no need for jealousy."

And I saw how I accused myself so often of jealousy, thinking it was caused from being angry at others, when in actuality, it is because I'm angry at myself.

I want to be opposed to self-hatred, so I'm going to start each day striving towards doing what I feel I should be doing each day. I know that God has asked me to do certain things, learn certain things, read certain things, and RARELY do I do it. He only asks because he knows it would make me happy, and steer me towards a clearer future.

So away I go.

Go, just go where the peace is. You always know when you seek Him.

I'm still fighting to prioritize life after starting work. The important thing is to heed life pulling me along, instead of getting dragged by the ear.

I had a great weekend with Michaela and Megan in the mountains. It is good to be home though. My sleep schedule has been one of the things that I need to prioritize, so I was pretty tired after the first day. I'm still playing catch up on sleep.

Tonight on the treadmill, I felt like God was saying that He wanted me to do what I wanted, and travel by myself now. I kept hearing, "Just go!" over and over. It's been something I've been longing to do for a while, but never had the opportunity. Now that I can save money to go, I think I'm going to start being thriftier with my upcoming paychecks, and plan for a future trip. I would love the leisure of walking the streets of a beautiful city/town on my own, not worrying about time or deadlines or schedules.

So those are my thoughts. Good night.

Up too late. I got excited about my trip with my two girlfriends tomorrow, so I couldn't sleep.

And here I am. If I talked about what is on my mind, we'd be here a while. I will say this though, I'm ready for a change of mindset.

Up again in 4 hours. Goodnight.

Very Merry Happy

I almost forgot. I went to the gym tonight to run for the first time in a couple months. My knee had been bothering me, so I let it heal up.

Tonight, I hop on the treadmill, and no bad feelings or thoughts came up. My mind was free to think of happy things. You know you're having a good life when nothing bothers you while you run.

So happy.

What if I told you we were so far away? Would you go with me anyway?

Kate Nash's Made of Brick CD arrived today (a day late, Amazon Prime)! I was giddy. I've probably listened to it 5 times today while I cleaned and did laundry.

I made my Wish List, and quickly realized it was too long. So I sent a revised version to my parents, and saved the first draft for me. I am making money now, so I can work on it myself. Michaela is always saying that I'm going to have to marry a rich man, but I don't buy expensive things, so I'm not going to think about that. Plus Mom says dietitians make good money, which is something I hadn't thought about. When I thought I was going to be a dance teacher, I had mentally prepared myself for a simple life. Now I have no idea what the future holds. Exciting!

Speaking of the future, I watched this video today. It has a great message. I'm in, God, for the long haul! It doesn't matter how long I have to go to school, I know we'll make it eventually.

Jon and I went to Mother Joan and Howard's today. I love visiting them! Makes my heart happy. Howard showed me one of his photo albums. He actually has a black and white picture of himself as a little boy with blond and buzzed hair, no shirt, worn-out jeans, standing in a corn field. Classic.

He also rocked a perm at one time. O.o

I'm going to bed. Work tomorrow morning, and I don't want lack of sleep to stress me out more. My dreams lately have all been pretty stress related. :/

Mom told me to write my Wish List today, since my birthday is rolling around the corner.

It isn't exaggerating to say that I am taking this assignment VERY seriously.

Batteries Not Included

Last night, Jon and I went out to chill around. We went to our favorite Asian restaurant, but it was closed, which was very strange. But we carried on to Sonic with our fists raised high; Fried Crap For The Win! Between the two of us, we ate everything we ordered.

As we ate, we were enjoying the vast array of songs that Sonic plays on their radio, until a beat up truck pulled up beside us. A black guy was blasting rap music. Jon said, " How rude! That is so annoying! I don't even know what to bob my head to anymore!" I told him he had White People Problems, and we both chortled.

We went to Target 20 minutes before it closed, not just to annoy the employees, but also to get the shirt I had been coveting ever since I saw a customer walk into my store wearing it. They were out of my size. We kicked up some dust around the store until we found Batteries Not Included for...FIVE DOLLARS?!? That's practically giving it away! I got it. :D

When we got home, Jon went to bed, but Isaac and I watched it, and smiled at one of the movies from our childhood. I was also struck by how the movie is actually about aging, and the undertone of the movie speaks against ageism, I believe.

It's a sweet movie to see. My whole family highly recommends it.

Sleep

I keep waking up in the morning with a feeling of panic, and I wiggle my body out from under the covers in a flurry, reach over to see what time it is on my phone, and then I remember...I don't have to do anything today. Or, on days I work afternoons, for at least a few hours.

The past 5 weeks must have been more stressful than I thought for me to be waking up with the feeling of Doom already programmed into my body.

How much stress do you allow yourself to live under without realizing it? Is it even necessary? I could nix much of the stress if I listened to what my body is trying to tell me.

"Jenny Movie"

While I was working, Mom, Dad, and Jon watched Morning Glory. I asked Jon how it was, and he let out a groan that took over his entire body and paired it with an eye roll and toss of the head. "That is a chick flick!"

"I told you it was a chick flick! Dad said he wanted to watch it anyway because of Harrison Ford."

"Oh, well, yeah. Harrison Ford was great in it, ofcourse."

"So, what's the problem?"

"It's just...."

"So, I shouldn't see it? Did you send it back?"

"No, we didn't. You'll just have to watch it. It's a 'Jenny Movie'"

Dad later used the same term when I questioned him about the movie. And, well, I just watched it. I loved it, even though it was very French, which is strange since it isn't a French movie. But it had that chaotic, verging on clumsy, feel to it. It was wrapped up well at the end, with a heartwarming, corny grace that wasn't expected.

Plus, Patrick Wilson. Oh my gosh, he finally wasn't puckered with too much botox, and I could see his rugged and manly expression. What is wrong with Hollywood, taking away so much personality. Renee Zellweger looks like she is on drugs in her latest movies, not to mention her TV interviews.

But anyway, I won't rant further. I have 3 precious days of no work and school. Time to go to bed.

I'm doing great.

I worked 10 hours today. WOO-EE!

I also found $5 on the floor. Free money! I came home and bought Relient K's The Bird and The Bee Sides CD on Amazon Prime. Free CD! If you're a student, and you have an edu email address, you get free Amazon Prime, btw. This means you get free shipping, and all of your purchases in two days. It's pretty sweet. I'm expecting Kate Nash's Made of Bricks CD to arrive tomorrow, which I have already dubbed my new cleaning-my-room CD.

I drove home during a lightning storm, which was Awesome. There are lots of fields beside the highway, so I get a pretty great view.

As I was driving, God said, "You're doing great."

I was surprised. "I don't feel like I'm doing great. I don't even spend that much individual time with you, although, I don't really have the time to spend MORE time with you, but I probably could if I tried. I don't even read my Bible every night..."

God interrupted my train of thought, "Lean not on your own understanding."

"Oh...OH! My understanding of what "great" is, is not the same as yours. Okay. I AM doing great!"

It's good to be encouraged.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Errands

I'm going in to work earlier tomorrow, on account of being on my school break. :) MAKING MONEY!

I ran errands with Jon and Mom today. We went to the orthodontist for Jon, and they did something that was necessary and painful to his braces. Gah, I hated braces.

We went to my college to see if I need to take more classes to keep my financial aid. I do not. So much stress has been lifted! I'm an angel floating on air!

We went to Target so Mom could shop for a friend's wedding present. Like Mother Joan likes to say, "shopping with Mom is an experience." She can shop for hours, in one store. I remember many an afternoon spent sitting on the carpet of Walmart, or playing with the junky toys at Big Lots.

Because of this, it really is best to shop with Mom in threes. Jon was with me, and we looked at all of the wallets (he got a new wallet for his new driver's license), looked at all the men's hats, looked at all the women's hats, looked at all the women's scarves, looked at all the women's watches, looked at all the women's clothes, looked at all the men's shirts, looked at a men's coat, looked at all the movies, looked at all the books, looked at all the cds.

In between looking at these things, Jon would get texts from Mom that read,

"I'm in the school supply section."

"I'm in the food section."

"I'm back in the school supply section."

I think between the three of us, we covered every inch of that store. :)

Jon and I went to Mother Joan and Howard's this evening, and had a grand time hanging out. I love my grandparents.

And now I'm going to bed. I know that I'm still pretty physically burned out. I'm also mentally burned out. Here is an example of how my mind's filter, that keeps all the craziness inside my brain, needs to rest.

I'm in Target, walking ahead of Jon. He is still looking at the wallets, and I'm moving on to the men's hats. To get there, I have to walk by the men's underwear section.

Seeing all of the half-naked men on the packages, lining up and down the wall, I start singing (yes, singing) to the tune of Camptown Races, "Lots and lot of naked men, naked men, naked men. Lots and lots of naked men..."

I suddenly realize that I am singing this OUT LOUD. I shut my trap and look around me. No one is in the men's section. PHEW!

Jon catches up with me, and I tell him what I did. "I still need sleep," I say. "I got 9 hours last night, but I apparently have more catching up to do."

Jon said, "Yeah, Jenny, that's not good. I didn't want to tell you this, but yesterday you had really big bags under your eyes."

"I DID?"

"Yeah, it was pretty bad."

So to bed. I go. Good. Night. World.

‎"That kid is dead." "Wait, what are you, new? You can't mess with the chubby kid. The girls will FREAK OUT!"

I love Rowley Jefferson. He will be my best friend and we will dance all the time...in a perfect world.

Here's a great clip. Someone edited it to make it longer. More Rowley = More Awesome.

To be short, Isaac and I loved it. I was really impressed that it was so hilarious and heartwarming, since few sequels are.

And now...Peter Bradley Adams, guitar, and bed...in no particular order.

Make it stop.

So much club music stuck in my head. Make it go away!

I'll go upstairs and listen to something soothing while I sleep. That's right, I'm going to sleep! I've gotten approx. 14 hours of sleep the past three nights combined. About time I caught up.

But first, I'm going to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules with Isaac. The rest of the family have seen it, and said it wasn't great. The first one rocked. Who can forget Rowley's dancing to the Beastie Boys with his mom? Epic. I'm not expecting anything to top that.

Then, tomorrow, in no particular order, I'm going to get my classes straightened out for fall semester with the help of Mom, watch movies with myself, and hopefully drop in on Mother Joan and Howard, my grandparents.

Conversation of the night.

"Do you want to hear another secret?"

"Sure."

"Sometimes I don't go to the bathroom when I'm driving home late at night. It keeps me from falling asleep."

O.o

"And then, there was this one time when I held it so long, that I couldn't even pee when I got home."

O.O "That's not good for you! You're going to get old and be incontinent!"

"I rebuke that!"

Probably the most unpredictable conversation I've ever had. Although...not the most awkward.

And it was brought to me by Moshe. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, since it's a secret, but I have a feeling he says these things often...probably because I've heard him say these things often.

That reminds me. Once, Josiah, Moshe's brother, came to pick me up since my car was in the shop. When I walked outside to get in the car, Josiah said, "What would you have done if you came outside and I was peeing in your yard."

"...I don't...know."

"Oh, okay."

"Do you have to pee? You can use our bathroom."

"Yeah, but...naw. I'll be alright."

They are SO related.

Anywho, I'm gonna go make friends with my bed. I forgot I have to work in a few hours....