Setting me free.

I learn the same lesson over and over again it seems. Loving Jesus is the most important thing. I was wondering if I should be concerned with having to review this with God repeatedly, when I realized that at least I'm not focusing on something less significant. There are worse things to be taught without relent. And now I find myself not worried about the lesson or how long it will take to learn. The problem would be if I left it behind for something else.

It is never a boring subject. The lesson changes every time, revealing more depth, height, length, and width. It's not even a lesson really, but more like a college major.

Yes. I plan to stay in class after hours.

Something God has been revealing to me over the past couple weeks is similar to the quote from the movie, The Matrix. "There is no spoon."

I went into a vision in which I was in a blue room. The blue was the sleepy, dreary nursery blue. There was an old-fashion white bath in which Jesus placed me. He washed me off and as he did, he said to me what I then repeated in the previous blog, "You think I'm asking you to give up something. You believe doing what I'm asking will ruin life as you know it. You are right. I am wanting you to begin the next phase of the ultimate adventure. You think I'm locking you up by wanting you to do these things. I am setting you free."

Then he walked away from the bath, picked up a giant ax, and with a violent passion he started chopping away at the floor.

I was taken aback as I watched him do this. What could Jesus have against the floor? So I asked, "Jesus, what are you doing?" He paused briefly to turn and look me in the eye as he said almost mischievously, "You don't need a floor."

I knew right away that Jesus was referring to the boundaries that I have come to be accustomed with living. They aren't even bad boundaries, but I apparently don't need them.

When Jesus was done abolishing the floor I came out of the vision. However, I was back the next day.

I was worshiping when Jesus said, "There is no floor." I was then back in the tub and he began on the walls. When those were no more, I was pulled from the tub. He said, "I have washed you, Jenny. You don't need to be cleaned anymore. Stop picturing yourself as dirty. You are clean."

I looked up at the ceiling, wondering at it still being there. Knowing my thoughts Jesus said, "That is for you to tear down yourself."

I still can't grasp what all of this means. Jesus wants to be my only support. He wants me to stop trying to control what kind of support I have, because he is enough. The question is though...what happens when Jesus takes away all the boundaries and the rules and makes himself the ONLY boundary and rule?

...that's right. He sets me free.

So my fist is unclenched. I'm relinquishing the control. I'm forgetting the rules of the world and the church. He has cleaned my slate and is introducing me to his way of doing things. No bounds and no rules except for HIM. Jesus, be my only rule. Be my only dream. Be my way. Take away my life. I don't want to live it anymore. Tear it down once more.
(scary.)

To You

"You think I'm asking you to give up something. You believe doing what I'm asking will ruin life as you know it. You are right. I am wanting you to begin the next phase of the ultimate adventure. You think I'm locking you up by wanting you to do these things. I am setting you free."


You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life...
~Whitman

Heart.

I've been pursuing knowing God's heart better. Last Sunday, I spent a while just asking and welcoming God to show me His heart. I wanted to know the depths of His heart. I said that I did not care what it cost or how much more it would set me apart. I wanted more.

God told me later that night, "Jenny, your depth isn't even close to my depth." I can't even FATHOM what deep means to God! This revelation I hadn't gotten yet. Every time I go, "Whoa...dude...that's deep..." that is God's baby pool.

As the night progressed, God answered my request and started revealing to me more of His heart. He only gave me a small dose and it sent me to bed reeling. His heart is not a bed of roses. His passion for us is INFINITE! My passion is still toddling around in the shallow end.

This past week since that night, I've been coming near to completely avoiding spending a lot of alone time with Jesus. A couple days ago He said, "Jenny, you've got to stop it with these hit and runs." I admitted that it freaked me out that I couldn't figure how to fit even a small dosage of His passion into my heart. I had no idea where to put it, so I just pushed it aside onto my shoulder where it sat and stared at me all week.

Now I realize that I can't fit His passion into my heart and that is okay. God "will enlarge my heart" (Psalm 119:32) as I keep pursuing Him. My first mistake was freaking out and giving Him the cold shoulder (hence my previous blog).

Think about how that hurts God! I ask God to share Himself with me. He does. I don't like what I see and just give Him a "Hey! How goes it?" every now and then for a few days.

I need to stop that.

I think reflecting is key. Something else God told me Sunday was that He didn't want to give us more until we understood what He had already given us. Instead of freaking out this past week, I should have just been honest with Jesus that I wasn't sure what to do with what He had shared with me. We could have gone from there just fine.

But...I forgive myself. We're good.

God, I still want to know Your heart, no matter how much it scares me and kills my flesh away. Enlarge my heart. I don't want to turn anything You give me away.

He took all of me and wanted my brokenness! It never even crossed His mind to turn me away in all my failures and mistakes. Jesus keeps me by His side the whole while and names me His bride, His chosen one. This I should never forget.

He knows all of me.

I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him and listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song

The chair

Maybe it's because I just finished reading a Douglas Adam's book. Maybe it's because it's late. Maybe these are things I'm subconsciously doing ALL THE TIME. Whatever the reason, I am experiencing something odd right now. Since I was on facebook at the time of the beginning of the incident, this is my new status.

"Do empty chairs ever stare at you or at least adopt a personality? I've got three staring at me right now. One truly wants to stare at me, one is losing interest, and the other never wanted to in the first place, but didn't want the other two to think it was weird. Then there is a separate one who wants to have a conversation with me but I am ignoring it.."

At first I thought I was amusing myself with an absurdly pointless fantasy. Then the personality on the "separate [chair]" moved. It literally shifted positions. Then, as if wanting to make sure I was truly paying attention, it stood up and walked a couple paces to the right. The other three chairs were suddenly just chairs. The standing personality kept trying to engage me and I'm thoroughly boggled and thinking I need to head to bed when...

...suddenly, it walks around the desk and stands next to me and lays an understanding hand on my shoulder. No, this can't be real...wait. Yes. There is warmth there.

"Jesus...?"

"Jenny, we need to have a talk."

I am exiting the internet for the night, but knew I had to blog about this. Whether or not you believe this "personality" is Jesus or not does not matter. The point is...well....do I really need to spell it out?

I know facebook isn't bad. It's not evil. Please know I'm not trying to get all legalistic about the internet. It won't keep me from spending time with Jesus unless I let it. But that is the point. I let it. So to bed I go.


...


(a pretty song)