A detour in Barnes and Noble

I had a couple precious hours after my class before I had to go to work. The decision was made to go to Barnes and Noble.

Upon finding the poetry section, I stared and stared. I wanted to read something new to me. Finally, I asked God what poet I would like. He said, "You would like Mary."

I found Mary Oliver, and picked one of her books. I sat down, opened to the first poem, and read.

What can I say that I have not said before?

So I'll say it again.

The leaf has a song in it.

Stone is the face of patience.

Inside the river there is an unfinished story

and you are somewhere in it

and it will never end until all ends.

Take your busy heart to the art museum and the

chamber of commerce

but take it also to the forest.

The song you hear singing in the leaf when you

were a child

is singing still.

I am of years lived, so far, seventy-four,

and the leaf is singing still.

I was like :O because I was just singing to God the other night on my guitar how I hated to not do what I used to do. Sitting so still for hours in the forest, watching nature pass by. Journaling and writing stories and drawing and reading and just using my attention span to its fullest. I felt those days were gone. But I pick up this little book of poems, and the first page feels like God beckoning me to be who I am more today than I was then.

So away I go.

Jealousy

Sometimes I am not on the same page as my friends. They are excited about something that I am not. excited. about. The need to express ourselves is there though, and I want there to always be freedom between us. So I nod my head and smile, because being different from each other, and being influenced by different things is part of what makes us unique. I can't add my enthusiasm to all of the things we share daily, because we aren't enthusiastic for the same things, but I can show that I acknowledge their passions. And my friends make me think about things I wouldn't usually be stop to think about, because a lot of my passions usually lie elsewhere.

This must be a reason God wired us to need each other; To reach past our own minds, our own motives, our own selfishness, and realize that there is someone there on the other side, experiencing completely different things in their mind's eye.

And since I'm talking about friendships, I'll add this as well. I was thinking today about why I get jealous of some friends, and them of me. Talking to God, he gently said that I can not control my friends' feelings towards me, only my own. He said that I could take it a step further, and try to go to the root of my own jealous heart.

I thought about it, and realized that my jealousy stemmed from my own passiveness towards my own life. When I am jealous of another, it is usually always because they have accomplished something that I have wanted to do, but simply don't.

I said, "If I did what I set out to do everyday, I would have no need for jealousy."

And I saw how I accused myself so often of jealousy, thinking it was caused from being angry at others, when in actuality, it is because I'm angry at myself.

I want to be opposed to self-hatred, so I'm going to start each day striving towards doing what I feel I should be doing each day. I know that God has asked me to do certain things, learn certain things, read certain things, and RARELY do I do it. He only asks because he knows it would make me happy, and steer me towards a clearer future.

So away I go.

Go, just go where the peace is. You always know when you seek Him.

I'm still fighting to prioritize life after starting work. The important thing is to heed life pulling me along, instead of getting dragged by the ear.

I had a great weekend with Michaela and Megan in the mountains. It is good to be home though. My sleep schedule has been one of the things that I need to prioritize, so I was pretty tired after the first day. I'm still playing catch up on sleep.

Tonight on the treadmill, I felt like God was saying that He wanted me to do what I wanted, and travel by myself now. I kept hearing, "Just go!" over and over. It's been something I've been longing to do for a while, but never had the opportunity. Now that I can save money to go, I think I'm going to start being thriftier with my upcoming paychecks, and plan for a future trip. I would love the leisure of walking the streets of a beautiful city/town on my own, not worrying about time or deadlines or schedules.

So those are my thoughts. Good night.

Up too late. I got excited about my trip with my two girlfriends tomorrow, so I couldn't sleep.

And here I am. If I talked about what is on my mind, we'd be here a while. I will say this though, I'm ready for a change of mindset.

Up again in 4 hours. Goodnight.

Very Merry Happy

I almost forgot. I went to the gym tonight to run for the first time in a couple months. My knee had been bothering me, so I let it heal up.

Tonight, I hop on the treadmill, and no bad feelings or thoughts came up. My mind was free to think of happy things. You know you're having a good life when nothing bothers you while you run.

So happy.

What if I told you we were so far away? Would you go with me anyway?

Kate Nash's Made of Brick CD arrived today (a day late, Amazon Prime)! I was giddy. I've probably listened to it 5 times today while I cleaned and did laundry.

I made my Wish List, and quickly realized it was too long. So I sent a revised version to my parents, and saved the first draft for me. I am making money now, so I can work on it myself. Michaela is always saying that I'm going to have to marry a rich man, but I don't buy expensive things, so I'm not going to think about that. Plus Mom says dietitians make good money, which is something I hadn't thought about. When I thought I was going to be a dance teacher, I had mentally prepared myself for a simple life. Now I have no idea what the future holds. Exciting!

Speaking of the future, I watched this video today. It has a great message. I'm in, God, for the long haul! It doesn't matter how long I have to go to school, I know we'll make it eventually.

Jon and I went to Mother Joan and Howard's today. I love visiting them! Makes my heart happy. Howard showed me one of his photo albums. He actually has a black and white picture of himself as a little boy with blond and buzzed hair, no shirt, worn-out jeans, standing in a corn field. Classic.

He also rocked a perm at one time. O.o

I'm going to bed. Work tomorrow morning, and I don't want lack of sleep to stress me out more. My dreams lately have all been pretty stress related. :/

Mom told me to write my Wish List today, since my birthday is rolling around the corner.

It isn't exaggerating to say that I am taking this assignment VERY seriously.

Batteries Not Included

Last night, Jon and I went out to chill around. We went to our favorite Asian restaurant, but it was closed, which was very strange. But we carried on to Sonic with our fists raised high; Fried Crap For The Win! Between the two of us, we ate everything we ordered.

As we ate, we were enjoying the vast array of songs that Sonic plays on their radio, until a beat up truck pulled up beside us. A black guy was blasting rap music. Jon said, " How rude! That is so annoying! I don't even know what to bob my head to anymore!" I told him he had White People Problems, and we both chortled.

We went to Target 20 minutes before it closed, not just to annoy the employees, but also to get the shirt I had been coveting ever since I saw a customer walk into my store wearing it. They were out of my size. We kicked up some dust around the store until we found Batteries Not Included for...FIVE DOLLARS?!? That's practically giving it away! I got it. :D

When we got home, Jon went to bed, but Isaac and I watched it, and smiled at one of the movies from our childhood. I was also struck by how the movie is actually about aging, and the undertone of the movie speaks against ageism, I believe.

It's a sweet movie to see. My whole family highly recommends it.

Sleep

I keep waking up in the morning with a feeling of panic, and I wiggle my body out from under the covers in a flurry, reach over to see what time it is on my phone, and then I remember...I don't have to do anything today. Or, on days I work afternoons, for at least a few hours.

The past 5 weeks must have been more stressful than I thought for me to be waking up with the feeling of Doom already programmed into my body.

How much stress do you allow yourself to live under without realizing it? Is it even necessary? I could nix much of the stress if I listened to what my body is trying to tell me.

"Jenny Movie"

While I was working, Mom, Dad, and Jon watched Morning Glory. I asked Jon how it was, and he let out a groan that took over his entire body and paired it with an eye roll and toss of the head. "That is a chick flick!"

"I told you it was a chick flick! Dad said he wanted to watch it anyway because of Harrison Ford."

"Oh, well, yeah. Harrison Ford was great in it, ofcourse."

"So, what's the problem?"

"It's just...."

"So, I shouldn't see it? Did you send it back?"

"No, we didn't. You'll just have to watch it. It's a 'Jenny Movie'"

Dad later used the same term when I questioned him about the movie. And, well, I just watched it. I loved it, even though it was very French, which is strange since it isn't a French movie. But it had that chaotic, verging on clumsy, feel to it. It was wrapped up well at the end, with a heartwarming, corny grace that wasn't expected.

Plus, Patrick Wilson. Oh my gosh, he finally wasn't puckered with too much botox, and I could see his rugged and manly expression. What is wrong with Hollywood, taking away so much personality. Renee Zellweger looks like she is on drugs in her latest movies, not to mention her TV interviews.

But anyway, I won't rant further. I have 3 precious days of no work and school. Time to go to bed.

I'm doing great.

I worked 10 hours today. WOO-EE!

I also found $5 on the floor. Free money! I came home and bought Relient K's The Bird and The Bee Sides CD on Amazon Prime. Free CD! If you're a student, and you have an edu email address, you get free Amazon Prime, btw. This means you get free shipping, and all of your purchases in two days. It's pretty sweet. I'm expecting Kate Nash's Made of Bricks CD to arrive tomorrow, which I have already dubbed my new cleaning-my-room CD.

I drove home during a lightning storm, which was Awesome. There are lots of fields beside the highway, so I get a pretty great view.

As I was driving, God said, "You're doing great."

I was surprised. "I don't feel like I'm doing great. I don't even spend that much individual time with you, although, I don't really have the time to spend MORE time with you, but I probably could if I tried. I don't even read my Bible every night..."

God interrupted my train of thought, "Lean not on your own understanding."

"Oh...OH! My understanding of what "great" is, is not the same as yours. Okay. I AM doing great!"

It's good to be encouraged.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Errands

I'm going in to work earlier tomorrow, on account of being on my school break. :) MAKING MONEY!

I ran errands with Jon and Mom today. We went to the orthodontist for Jon, and they did something that was necessary and painful to his braces. Gah, I hated braces.

We went to my college to see if I need to take more classes to keep my financial aid. I do not. So much stress has been lifted! I'm an angel floating on air!

We went to Target so Mom could shop for a friend's wedding present. Like Mother Joan likes to say, "shopping with Mom is an experience." She can shop for hours, in one store. I remember many an afternoon spent sitting on the carpet of Walmart, or playing with the junky toys at Big Lots.

Because of this, it really is best to shop with Mom in threes. Jon was with me, and we looked at all of the wallets (he got a new wallet for his new driver's license), looked at all the men's hats, looked at all the women's hats, looked at all the women's scarves, looked at all the women's watches, looked at all the women's clothes, looked at all the men's shirts, looked at a men's coat, looked at all the movies, looked at all the books, looked at all the cds.

In between looking at these things, Jon would get texts from Mom that read,

"I'm in the school supply section."

"I'm in the food section."

"I'm back in the school supply section."

I think between the three of us, we covered every inch of that store. :)

Jon and I went to Mother Joan and Howard's this evening, and had a grand time hanging out. I love my grandparents.

And now I'm going to bed. I know that I'm still pretty physically burned out. I'm also mentally burned out. Here is an example of how my mind's filter, that keeps all the craziness inside my brain, needs to rest.

I'm in Target, walking ahead of Jon. He is still looking at the wallets, and I'm moving on to the men's hats. To get there, I have to walk by the men's underwear section.

Seeing all of the half-naked men on the packages, lining up and down the wall, I start singing (yes, singing) to the tune of Camptown Races, "Lots and lot of naked men, naked men, naked men. Lots and lots of naked men..."

I suddenly realize that I am singing this OUT LOUD. I shut my trap and look around me. No one is in the men's section. PHEW!

Jon catches up with me, and I tell him what I did. "I still need sleep," I say. "I got 9 hours last night, but I apparently have more catching up to do."

Jon said, "Yeah, Jenny, that's not good. I didn't want to tell you this, but yesterday you had really big bags under your eyes."

"I DID?"

"Yeah, it was pretty bad."

So to bed. I go. Good. Night. World.

‎"That kid is dead." "Wait, what are you, new? You can't mess with the chubby kid. The girls will FREAK OUT!"

I love Rowley Jefferson. He will be my best friend and we will dance all the time...in a perfect world.

Here's a great clip. Someone edited it to make it longer. More Rowley = More Awesome.

To be short, Isaac and I loved it. I was really impressed that it was so hilarious and heartwarming, since few sequels are.

And now...Peter Bradley Adams, guitar, and bed...in no particular order.

Make it stop.

So much club music stuck in my head. Make it go away!

I'll go upstairs and listen to something soothing while I sleep. That's right, I'm going to sleep! I've gotten approx. 14 hours of sleep the past three nights combined. About time I caught up.

But first, I'm going to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules with Isaac. The rest of the family have seen it, and said it wasn't great. The first one rocked. Who can forget Rowley's dancing to the Beastie Boys with his mom? Epic. I'm not expecting anything to top that.

Then, tomorrow, in no particular order, I'm going to get my classes straightened out for fall semester with the help of Mom, watch movies with myself, and hopefully drop in on Mother Joan and Howard, my grandparents.

Conversation of the night.

"Do you want to hear another secret?"

"Sure."

"Sometimes I don't go to the bathroom when I'm driving home late at night. It keeps me from falling asleep."

O.o

"And then, there was this one time when I held it so long, that I couldn't even pee when I got home."

O.O "That's not good for you! You're going to get old and be incontinent!"

"I rebuke that!"

Probably the most unpredictable conversation I've ever had. Although...not the most awkward.

And it was brought to me by Moshe. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, since it's a secret, but I have a feeling he says these things often...probably because I've heard him say these things often.

That reminds me. Once, Josiah, Moshe's brother, came to pick me up since my car was in the shop. When I walked outside to get in the car, Josiah said, "What would you have done if you came outside and I was peeing in your yard."

"...I don't...know."

"Oh, okay."

"Do you have to pee? You can use our bathroom."

"Yeah, but...naw. I'll be alright."

They are SO related.

Anywho, I'm gonna go make friends with my bed. I forgot I have to work in a few hours....

Lost.

Statistics is over. I survived. I will never do that again (procrastinate so intensely). I was so busy that I wasn't able to examine everything that I have been processing through this past week. On the ride home a friend's house tonight, I was thinking about how tired I feel. I feel old.

It isn't just physically. I feel like an old book that has been read thousands of times, a story that is constantly being retold. I feel like a long life, one that keeps living the same activities, never adding new ones. I feel like I'm lost.

I have been happy where I am at spiritually, and have become very complacent. I pursue You, Lord! I pursue You. So tired, but still, I pursue You. I am breaking free from everything I have done before. I want to move into the paths that forerunners have run, and then start my own. I need to get to the show. I need to leave my life, leave my story, leave my subtitles that I see in my daily activities. Leaving is the ONLY way I can ENTER into anything else.

"Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen."

- The Nicest Thing, Kate Nash

Statistics is nearing its end.

I have got hand it to myself. I know how to procrastinate.

I'm almost done with my statistics homework. And then I think I'll sleep. Then I'll wake up before I reach the healthy length of sleep. Then I'll take a statistics test online. Then I'll study for my statistics final. Then I'll take my statistics final and I'm praying I pass it. Then I will be done with the summer quarter, and I will sleep.

Then, next Thursday, fall semester starts.

So in between then and tomorrow night, I am going to enjoy what little break I have. Unless I'm working, but I like work. I make money and get to buy things, like chocolate covered strawberries. Nommy, nom, noms.


Today at work, I was assigned to take out the trash. There were so many bags and boxes, that I had to make 4 trips. I walked down this long, eerie, cement hallway before I made it outside, and then walked across the parking lot to the dumpster. This sounds unpleasant, but I rather enjoyed it. I relished not having to listen to the club music that is constantly blasting in the store (and that is now always in my head, and the soundtrack to my dreams), and sang this song.



Back to homework.

Cowboys & Aliens: thoughts

I watched Cowboys & Aliens with Jon and our friend, Sammy. I'm not a fan of going to the theater. I enjoy sitting at home and watching movies with the comfort of spreading out, taking frequent snack intermissions, and basically being more in control. But I love Science Fiction, and I love westerns. The fact that this movie combines the two, and has Harrison Ford AND Sam Rockwell (I don't even have to mention Daniel Craig, do I?) in it, well, it drew me into my favorite theater.

I wasn't expecting any kind of spiritual experience. I wasn't even expecting it to be that awesome. But the movie blew me away, even more so than Inception, which says a lot. Besides the intensity of the emotional healing that was birthed in the characters throughout the movie, there were two things that I felt God was pointing out.

The first was that the aliens were never called aliens by the humans. They were always referred to as demons, because the concept of alien life was new to humans, and the spiritual realm was more respected by them than it is to most humans now. It was probably only 15-20 minutes into the movie when I suddenly thought of the Nephilim, and how it couldn't be entirely coincidental that this movie referred to the aliens as demons. I have heard much talk lately about Nephilim, and how alien life could very be Nephilim. And not only alien life, but also popular characters such as Bigfoot, vampires, werewolves, ect. I know this sounds crazy, because it did to me at first too. But lately, it has been planted into my mind that this could be VERY true and VERY real. Where have all of these stories come from, after all?

I won't branch off of that topic further, but in the pursuit of becoming less apathetic, I thought I would mention that I am interested in learning more of this subject. I know that my mom is learning what she can about Nephilim, and I have a couple other friends who have felt the prodding from the Lord to learn more. I don't think that they are imagining things.

The second thing that stood out to me is something that I have just now been noticing when I watch westerns. The fact that back then, when the world was much simpler, and we didn't have so many things attached to us at all times, the only thing that a man truly had was the trust others gave him. People had nothing to go on about each other except their word and their honor. The truth was more valuable. The look in a person's eyes was studied and remembered. Small details of a person's looks and character traits were noticed and recorded.

People didn't put up with all the flakiness and lying that we see nowadays. If someone didn't tell the truth, or offer to help a hand, people took notice and REMEMBERED. Today, we do not value the strong character traits that should still and always define who someone is. We stand on materialism, fake smiles, and pledge allegiance to being pushed over by others. If we are so angry, day in and day out, it is probably because we don't stand for the truth in others anymore! We let everyone get away with hurting each other, and we are so used to it and blind, that we don't even see that we are being hurt. We call it life. We call it "being too busy". We call it a lot of things, but the only thing it is is Fake.

I am this way. I am a big flake and a fake. I don't see my standards being set, and I don't see my opinions being lasting, if they are even made. My time is squandered, and I don't understand my fellow man, or his or her value. I am very much a candle, flickering in and fading out, moment by moment. If my memory is to be lasting, I want it to be made of people who count. I would like others' to see the same valuable traits in me, so that their memories of me don't reveal a shallow being.

Jon and I watched one of our old favorites, Big Fat Liar, a couple nights ago. We talked tonight about how it reminded us both of the same thing: "The truth is not overrated."

I used to not want to care what anyone thought of me, because I saw God's opinion as the only one that mattered. Now, though, I see that whenever I open up my heart to others, I am opening it up to caring about their thoughts and feelings. I care about them, and therefore care about whatever they think, even their thoughts of me. This is a good thing, as long as I don't take it for granted. Respect for and from others is to be cherished.

Fool-proofing my life is an ongoing experience.

"Do not associate with a man given to anger;
Or go with a hot-tempered man,

Or you will learn his ways
And find a snare for yourself."
Proverbs 22:24-45

If you ever find yourself being angry a lot, or struggling strongly with anger in your life, it is wise to not only examine yourself, but those around you. You don't want to be associated with the fools of Proverbs, because we are easily seen as a fool ourselves, or worse, we actually become one.

We are all vulnerable to being influenced by those around us if we give them that power in our lives. Be careful who you open up your heart to, so you won't regret it.

It pays to learn from others' mistakes. I am learning from my own right now, and I pray that none of you have to go through the same experience.