Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Exhaustion came to visit me today.

I was out all day looking for a job. My wrist hurts from filling out so many applications. They all ask questions that are answered on my resume! I wish stores would just take that instead.

Anyway, I shouldn't complain, because I will get a job, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. The right one is out there with my name on it. I have to know that and believe that.

I'm pounding the pavement again tomorrow. The more I put myself out there consistently, the more I feel better about myself, even if I don't hear anything back for a while.

I strung my guitar last night. Yay! And when I started playing, I finally felt this release of emotions that I hadn't known what to do with. There hadn't been a way for me to be so honest with God for a while I guess. I get tired of being honest in my journals sometimes, because it is there on paper, forever. When I play guitar and just sing, it goes in God's ears, and no one else needs to ever know, and I don't even have to remember how I felt in that moment. No record, no shame, no chance to look back and judge myself. I made a song up using two chords, ha!

I've been ready to hit the sack ever since I got home a few hours ago. I had a pretty cool dream last night, but it will have to wait until after sleep. I need to take care of myself before going out of town with friends on Friday. That's right! Another road trip. I just got back from one last weekend. I don't think I've ever traveled on the road so much in one year. I'm honestly not sure what I think about being in a car for yet another weekend. Being stuck in a car for hours is not fun for me at all, and I don't think that it matters who is with me. It still feels like a waste of time. But, I am going to go, and I am going to be positive, even if I don't like it, because, eventually, we will get to our destinations (we have three of them) and have a blast. I hope. Who knows what God has in store.

Still on a William Fitzsimmons kick.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Beautiful girl, may the weight of world resign. You will get better.

Do you ever get tired of trying to be who you are supposed to be, and ignoring everything that you actually want to be? Do you ever just want to forget everything that is supposed to make one happy, and just, finally, please, I'm begging you, just be yourself. Let that big ol' freak flag fly, and forget what everyone in the world has ever told you, is telling you, and will ever tell you. Well, not everything, but most of it.

I finally disposed of the mockeries. I have let my freak flag fly (and surprisingly, it isn't even that freaky). I'm just living, day by day. I'm not even doing what I usually have done to try to be happy. I'm not being "spiritual". I'm not letting anyone direct my path. My friends aren't controlling, and seem to accept me just fine, even appreciate it. My parents are great, and understand who I am.

I thought by giving up the image of myself that I was trying to sell, that I would be giving it all up. I would be giving up being a "good" person. I would be giving up being close to God. I would be giving up being happy. I would be giving up my life.

But I didn't give any of that up. By letting go, I found freedom. I found acceptance. I found me. I was trying to cover it up all along, ashamed of who I really am.

I like watching Drop Dead Diva, and other girly shows.
I don't always read the Bible everyday.
I stopped being upset with legalistic church services, and getting all judgy.
Instead, I let myself enjoy the good in these services that rolls with the not so good.
This goes for life. I've learned to enjoy the good that comes with the bad and not run when something isn't just way I'd do it, or said in a way I wouldn't say it. People are NOT my enemy, so why should I be so offended?
I let others be wrong more, and realize that maybe, just maybe, this time I'm right. And I stand by it. Usually I'm a push-over, and apologize for something I didn't even do.
I like shopping. I like having all my clothes. I like being a girl.
Most importantly, I stopped living for other people, and started living for myself. Being the Bride.

I stopped being so "spiritual" and let a lot of things go. Not sure how long this will last. But I am REALLY tired of it all, and all of the bullcrap that comes with it. Why should I try to analyze every single part of my life and figure out if it is significant or not? Why can't I just live in the moment. The moment is all Jesus has shown me right now, might as well live in it. Why should I live for every time that God is going to blast me with something spiritual? Or give me a word? Or show me some kind of experience of some sort. Why should I look at someone, and just because they got issues, think that I'm not going to be friends with them, because they need deliverance. It did not make me happy. It made me miserable, always thinking that I needed just one more thing, and that everyone else around me needed just one more thing too. Then, finally, everything would be right, and we could all just love each other, because everyone would be all smiley, happy, shiny, perfect, praising Jesus all day long. Please. I don't remember Jesus in the Bible being all shiny and happy all the time. I actually remember Him being pretty pissed at everyone who was always trying to do "the right thing" and making other people believe that they needed to do "the right thing", too.

Well, guess what, I already got that one thing. It is Jesus. And He made me to be who I am, and when I let everything go, He kept showing me things, and telling me stuff, and encouraging me to just walk away from everything holding me back from being me. He told me that the world is NOT on my shoulders. He does not want me to save the world. He already did, and He gave me life. Now He wants me to live it.

It's like Mister Rogers used to say. "I feel the greatest gift you can give anyone is your honest self."

I'm allowed to be tired. I can take a break. And I can certainly realize that there is always going to be bad in our lives, and that if we don't realize that, and keep living, we will never see the good that is also always there.

And that is the end of my rant.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Georgia on my mind

I decided last night to stay in Georgia for school. It isn't just finances, and it isn't just about getting school done sooner, although those two things do come into play. Here is part of what happened.

It was 3 in the morning. I wanted to be distracted from my thoughts that were keeping me awake, and turned on the television. Charles Stanley was preaching. He was talking about seizing opportunities, and realizing that life is not meant to be easy. Opportunities are sometimes also challenges, but that does not mean that we stop and give up just because it gets hard. God gives everyone opportunities everyday that we don't see, because it means overcoming obstacles. Then we miss it.

I saw then that my future isn't set in stone, and I am faced with many choices. There was no right or wrong, but there was a choice. Did I want to go to college out of state, search for a community to be a part of, take life slow, and get my degree later in life? Or did I want to stay in Georgia, be near my family and others I have grown to love, and accept that, although hard, and sometimes lonely, it would be so worth it.

I decided to stay in Georgia in that moment. Amazing how I've been struggling with these thoughts, and in just 5 minutes, God used Charles Stanley to show me that the choice was always easy to make. I just had to know exactly what I wanted.

I fell asleep an hour later, and had the best dream. Once again, I was helping a bride get ready for her wedding. But this time, the bride was a future me, and I was so happy. I woke up knowing that I had finally chosen what I truly wanted, and that I would continue making good choices.

By staying, I am not missing out on life. Life is where I'm standing. I'm not good at living here, but I can't leave. Not yet.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

There is a future.

I have a future. It's there, I can't see it, but it is there.

Two or three years ago, I woke up in bed and there was a face right in front on my eyes. It was a man, about 30, with dirty blond hair. His face was leathered, and completely covered with scars. Despite his appearance, I still found him to be a lovely man.

He was looking directly into my eyes and singing tenderly, "I know the plans I have for you, I do, I do. I know the plans I have for you, I do, I do."

I don't know how much time went by, but it seemed to be over in a matter of seconds. Then the face just wasn't there anymore, and I sat up and looked at the clock. It was about 7:30. No surprise there. Jesus likes me up even earlier.

I knew it was Jesus.

I am pulling out this memory, and I am clutching it hard right now. This is what I need to remember. This is the truth. All of my dreams lately have been about my past or present, and how I am always reluctant to leave it to embrace my future. I am always unsure if I have a future. Once, my future showed up, and my present physically held me down to keep me where I was.

I have to move forward. Everything is telling me to, but I remained so scared to do anything that would put me there. I'm unsure why, but I've got a problem with it, whatever it is. I need to stop looking backwards all the time. I need to heal from this old wounds that keep seeping into my present. It happens all the time, and I can't handle it anymore! I can't cope with a constant rebuttal from my mistakes, trying to keep me from standing strong in who I am.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I am a tree.

"A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm, waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their songs never cease. Every hidden cell is throbbing with music and life, every fibre thrilling like harp strings, while incense is ever flowing from the balsam bells and leaves. No wonder the hills and groves were God's first temples, and the more they are cut down and hewn into cathedrals and churches, the farther off and dimmer seems the Lord." ~ an excerpt from Meditations of John Muir: Nature's Temple.

I read this a few minutes ago as I was sprawled across my made bed, ready to just breath after 150 minutes of nonstop cleaning. I let the book rest on my chest as I relished in the beauty of the words. Then a thought came to me.

I am a tree.

So I thought about John Muir's words, replacing tree with me, and realized that a weight was being lifted as I excepted the truth that I am, indeed, a tree. Even when no one can see it, even when I can't see it or feel it, I am still God's temple. I am always in the act of praise, just by living as a daughter of the King, a bride of Jesus.

I had been making sure that I was sharing my burdens with God and letting Him show me what to do with them for the past few days. The list of burdens had seemed long, since I have been angered easily lately. I was doing this because a recent message from God had been, "I can't put My trust in someone who doesn't bring their burdens to Me. You can't trust someone unless they are putting that same trust in you."

The problem I found with this was that I couldn't ignore my burdens anymore when I shared them. There is no being numb to things when you are discussing and sharing them in detail. It has been bringing up a lot of wounds that I didn't know I had, and letting God heal me has been haaarrrrd. I am constantly tugging my burdens back, then handing them over again, then turning away any balm Jesus wants to rub into my spirit.

All of this has caused me to feel the opposite of a temple of God, but instead a temple of loads of crap. But reading that excerpt made me remember and realize afresh that I am ALWAYS going to be a temple. It will never matter what I feel, or how I am doing inside. It only matters what I believe and walk in everyday, and I believe and walk in my relationship with Jesus. So we're good! I am a big, grand old tree! Maybe I hug the baseline that I imagine exists sometimes with God, but it isn't really there. I just need to let my incense secretly flow.