"Life with me is like coffee time, Jenny. It's when we sit back, sip our coffee, and enjoy each other's company. When it's time, I'll let you know what to do, and we'll do it together."
Jesus handed me a cup of coffee, and I sat down next to him, leaning back against the tree.
I was talking to God about my body a couple weeks ago. Sometimes the devil tries to convince me that it is not beautiful. In fact, sometimes I believe that I am downright ugly.
Jesus tells me that this is far from true. When I read Song of Solomon, I am reminded of the wonder of God's creation.
So anyway, here I am in my car, discussing my insecurities with God. I say, "God, I know girls who put pictures of thin and slim girls on their walls for motivation. I don't believe that I'm supposed to be like that. You told me that you like my curves and that they are 'like jewels'. And besides, I could sit on a bench ALL DAY!"
I don't expect God to interject any words or advice into my rant, but he does anyway. He says, "You should put pictures of Marilyn Monroe on your walls."
"...Huh?" I am not sure if I am hearing correctly. This is not fitting into my definition of "Godly advice".
"You should put pictures of Marilyn Monroe on your walls. She would motivate you to embrace your curves and realize that you are truly beautiful."
"Oh.... Well, I don't have any pictures of her and don't know where I could find any."
So the conversation ended there, but definitely stuck with me.
I'm not sure if it was that night or the following night, but God sent me the opportunity to put Marilyn Monroe in all her (clothed) glory on my wall. I was in Walmart with my older brother getting a vacuum filter and other various home necessities when I saw a rack of calendars. Seeing them next to the light bulbs surprised me and I looked through them.
I picked up a John Wayne calendar and there she was! Hiding behind Elvis Presley and Justin Bieber was Marilyn Monroe! 16 curve-filled months were less than $5 away!
Before I could decide whether or not this was a God opportunity or just an excuse to spend money on myself during this holiday season, I noticed that my brother had disappeared. So I went to find him and did not return for the calendar.
I did however return today. :-)
Even though the world's opinion on what defines beauty is constantly changing, God's is constantly constant:All of his creation is beautiful.
(I heard this song on the radio tonight. I did not know that this side of Adele existed!)
Mom asked me when I was little (I think 7 or 10), "If you could do or go anywhere, what would you do?" I said, "I really just want to stay in my room and read books all day."
Not very ambitious of me. That does not bother me though. In fact, what does bother me is that I do not know that little girl anymore who said those words to her shocked mother.
I used to devour books. As soon as I was able to read books that had chapters, I would read in bed way into the night with the help of a doll that lit up. I read the Bible a lot more too. (Maybe a little too much. I had to ask my mom what a concubine was at a pretty young age.)
Now I hardly read 4 books a year. I spent all of 2009 reading The Final Quest trilogy.
This is completely my fault. My past times have become spending time on facebook, youtube, and watching television.
I used to ride my bike just for fun with no thought of it being exercise.
I used to spend afternoons hanging out in the backyard or in the wood beyond that backyard.
I used to write short stories, comic strips, draw pictures...
I used to love boardgames and cards.
I used to go on frequent walks around the block with no thought about it.
What the heck happened?
I'm sick of being stagnant and complacent.
I plan to rediscover my imagination this upcoming year. My inner child needs to be unleashed! I was a lot smarter and used my time fully back then.
I'm not loving through the old comfort of my selfish motives.
This has caused me to see what respecting someone really is.
No longer wanting to please others with my actions, I find humbleness.
You won't remain the same when you let the wind of the Holy Spirit blow away the prideful crust that tends to layer around our spirits. While this is happening I realize how scared I am, but I am so desperate for change. I hate the cycling I've been caught up in for so many years.
I have been so wrapped up in selfish motives that I don't believe I have even GLIMPSED humbleness until this last month. I know I'm already dead in Christ and risen in Christ (Romans 6:8-11), but I need to make sure that I don't fall into comfortable habits of not living that way.
It's COMFORTABLE to care what others think about you and to base your actions on these feelings. It's COMFORTABLE to live everyday doing things to try to get others to love you. It's COMFORTABLE to have these selfish motives.
It's NOT comfortable (at least, not to me...yet [AMEN!]) to not care what others think and base your actions solely on your relationship with Jesus and loving him and others (if you truly love others, then it doesn't matter if they love you back or not [this is so amazingly hard, I need more than daily perseverance in this matter. I need ABIDING perseverance]). It's NOT comfortable to live everyday for Jesus and do things for others when they don't love you, but you love them (But don't be a doormat. Proverbs is clear that God is Wisdom and Wisdom preaches boundaries, but you get the point.). It's not comfortable to be humble and only care about God's love for us and what he thinks.
There is a huge freedom in not being comfortable though, or not wanting to be comfortable anyway (and by "comfortable" I mean "the way you're used to being"). I'm beginning to be able to accept others' love because I can now see clearly who really loves me for just being me, and not because I was trying to please them. I am then able to love them, because I realize that I have been scared of letting down the walls I was keeping up so I wouldn't have to deal with rejection. Rejection still happens, but I am now open to Jesus healing me.
Jesus is teaching me to cherish humanity, HIS intended bride. He is teaching me to take a stand for what he tells me about others. When Jesus discloses something to me about someone else, I usually can't see it with my own eyes. Sometimes I do, but in a few years people change and I find I don't see it anymore. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT STILL ISN'T TRUE! Jesus knew that person was going to make the mistakes he or she did or are doing WAY before I knew. Still Jesus chose to tell me. And "if God said it, I believe it, and that settles it" (Tate, Matthew).
What is interesting is that what I am going through turns out to be training! Jesus has shown me a glimpse of what intercession, burden bearing, and believing his words is all about. As I only care what Jesus says and only want his love, he asks me to love others with the love he has shown me.
When I see people how Jesus sees them I can intercede for them.
I learn the same lesson over and over again it seems. Loving Jesus is the most important thing. I was wondering if I should be concerned with having to review this with God repeatedly, when I realized that at least I'm not focusing on something less significant. There are worse things to be taught without relent. And now I find myself not worried about the lesson or how long it will take to learn. The problem would be if I left it behind for something else.
It is never a boring subject. The lesson changes every time, revealing more depth, height, length, and width. It's not even a lesson really, but more like a college major.
Yes. I plan to stay in class after hours.
Something God has been revealing to me over the past couple weeks is similar to the quote from the movie, The Matrix. "There is no spoon."
I went into a vision in which I was in a blue room. The blue was the sleepy, dreary nursery blue. There was an old-fashion white bath in which Jesus placed me. He washed me off and as he did, he said to me what I then repeated in the previous blog, "You think I'm asking you to give up something. You believe doing what I'm asking will ruin life as you know it. You are right. I am wanting you to begin the next phase of the ultimate adventure. You think I'm locking you up by wanting you to do these things. I am setting you free."
Then he walked away from the bath, picked up a giant ax, and with a violent passion he started chopping away at the floor.
I was taken aback as I watched him do this. What could Jesus have against the floor? So I asked, "Jesus, what are you doing?" He paused briefly to turn and look me in the eye as he said almost mischievously, "You don't need a floor."
I knew right away that Jesus was referring to the boundaries that I have come to be accustomed with living. They aren't even bad boundaries, but I apparently don't need them.
When Jesus was done abolishing the floor I came out of the vision. However, I was back the next day.
I was worshiping when Jesus said, "There is no floor." I was then back in the tub and he began on the walls. When those were no more, I was pulled from the tub. He said, "I have washed you, Jenny. You don't need to be cleaned anymore. Stop picturing yourself as dirty. You are clean."
I looked up at the ceiling, wondering at it still being there. Knowing my thoughts Jesus said, "That is for you to tear down yourself."
I still can't grasp what all of this means. Jesus wants to be my only support. He wants me to stop trying to control what kind of support I have, because he is enough. The question is though...what happens when Jesus takes away all the boundaries and the rules and makes himself the ONLY boundary and rule?
...that's right. He sets me free.
So my fist is unclenched. I'm relinquishing the control. I'm forgetting the rules of the world and the church. He has cleaned my slate and is introducing me to his way of doing things. No bounds and no rules except for HIM. Jesus, be my only rule. Be my only dream. Be my way. Take away my life. I don't want to live it anymore. Tear it down once more. (scary.)
"You think I'm asking you to give up something. You believe doing what I'm asking will ruin life as you know it. You are right. I am wanting you to begin the next phase of the ultimate adventure. You think I'm locking you up by wanting you to do these things. I am setting you free."
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself all your life... ~Whitman
I've been pursuing knowing God's heart better. Last Sunday, I spent a while just asking and welcoming God to show me His heart. I wanted to know the depths of His heart. I said that I did not care what it cost or how much more it would set me apart. I wanted more.
God told me later that night, "Jenny, your depth isn't even close to my depth." I can't even FATHOM what deep means to God! This revelation I hadn't gotten yet. Every time I go, "Whoa...dude...that's deep..." that is God's baby pool.
As the night progressed, God answered my request and started revealing to me more of His heart. He only gave me a small dose and it sent me to bed reeling. His heart is not a bed of roses. His passion for us is INFINITE! My passion is still toddling around in the shallow end.
This past week since that night, I've been coming near to completely avoiding spending a lot of alone time with Jesus. A couple days ago He said, "Jenny, you've got to stop it with these hit and runs." I admitted that it freaked me out that I couldn't figure how to fit even a small dosage of His passion into my heart. I had no idea where to put it, so I just pushed it aside onto my shoulder where it sat and stared at me all week.
Now I realize that I can't fit His passion into my heart and that is okay. God "will enlarge my heart" (Psalm 119:32) as I keep pursuing Him. My first mistake was freaking out and giving Him the cold shoulder (hence my previous blog).
Think about how that hurts God! I ask God to share Himself with me. He does. I don't like what I see and just give Him a "Hey! How goes it?" every now and then for a few days.
I need to stop that.
I think reflecting is key. Something else God told me Sunday was that He didn't want to give us more until we understood what He had already given us. Instead of freaking out this past week, I should have just been honest with Jesus that I wasn't sure what to do with what He had shared with me. We could have gone from there just fine.
But...I forgive myself. We're good.
God, I still want to know Your heart, no matter how much it scares me and kills my flesh away. Enlarge my heart. I don't want to turn anything You give me away.
He took all of me and wanted my brokenness! It never even crossed His mind to turn me away in all my failures and mistakes. Jesus keeps me by His side the whole while and names me His bride, His chosen one. This I should never forget.
He knows all of me.
I heard he sang a good song I heard he had a style And so I came to see him and listen for a while And there he was this young boy A stranger to my eyes
I felt all flushed with fever Embarrassed by the crowd I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud I prayed that he would finish But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life, with his words Killing me softly with his song
Maybe it's because I just finished reading a Douglas Adam's book. Maybe it's because it's late. Maybe these are things I'm subconsciously doing ALL THE TIME. Whatever the reason, I am experiencing something odd right now. Since I was on facebook at the time of the beginning of the incident, this is my new status.
"Do empty chairs ever stare at you or at least adopt a personality? I've got three staring at me right now. One truly wants to stare at me, one is losing interest, and the other never wanted to in the first place, but didn't want the other two to think it was weird. Then there is a separate one who wants to have a conversation with me but I am ignoring it.."
At first I thought I was amusing myself with an absurdly pointless fantasy. Then the personality on the "separate [chair]" moved. It literally shifted positions. Then, as if wanting to make sure I was truly paying attention, it stood up and walked a couple paces to the right. The other three chairs were suddenly just chairs. The standing personality kept trying to engage me and I'm thoroughly boggled and thinking I need to head to bed when...
...suddenly, it walks around the desk and stands next to me and lays an understanding hand on my shoulder. No, this can't be real...wait. Yes. There is warmth there.
"Jesus...?"
"Jenny, we need to have a talk."
I am exiting the internet for the night, but knew I had to blog about this. Whether or not you believe this "personality" is Jesus or not does not matter. The point is...well....do I really need to spell it out?
I know facebook isn't bad. It's not evil. Please know I'm not trying to get all legalistic about the internet. It won't keep me from spending time with Jesus unless I let it. But that is the point. I let it. So to bed I go.
I'm entering into a new season. It's really different from the one I'm leaving. I've just been in the prayer room at IHOP everyday, soaking and being still. This has been my place of worship. At first I complained until I realized that this is THE BEST season I've ever had! EVER!!!!!! It is so good to just be with Jesus. The best thing I've ever done, can ever do, and will ever do.
So now God is asking me to step up. Well, more like telling me. It's a do or die decision. There is no gray area. I'm either in or I'm out. God said the same thing He did when He asked me to jump. He said, "Why are you even here, claiming you love me if you aren't going to obey me?"
So here I am. Obeying. I prayed on the microphone during an intercession set yesterday (SCARY, dying to my flesh stuff right there. Fear of man needs to get the heck out of my life. Seriously.) and also am going to audition for vocals in a few weeks.
AAAHHH!!!!! This all started when God gave me a dream about me doing these two things a couple days ago. The dream involved a guy named Bruce (a worship leader here) who was leading a worship set and then an intercession set here. At the beginning of the dream I went on stage and sang with him. I'm not telling the whole dream but here is the awesome part where God gave me a huge confirmation about singing here.
I was in the cafe area of IHOP yesterday by myself eating. I finished and was cleaning up when I had the urge to sing, so I did. As I was singing, the Holy Spirit suddenly says, "Someone is about to walk in here and they are going to suggest you audition for vocals."
I kept singing and then Bruce walks into the room. He looks at me and says, "Have you ever auditioned for a set?"
"Ummm....no. But I did have this dream...." I preceded to tell him the dream.
How AMAZING is God? I mean, Bruce was the one in my dream!
When I'm finished telling the dream Bruce is excited and says, "Well, if you audition I would love to have you on my set."
I visited my parent's house yesterday. It was a lovely visit. On the way home, I was aware how different the drive was than the ones previous to my moving out. I remembered how I used to feel like I was driving away from all of my problems. I now did not feel this way. I didn't feel like I driving towards my problems either. Hmm...interesting. I could not really think of a problem I had. My worries are gone. "The Very Thought of You", sung by Tony Bennett, came on my shuffle. I sat back and enjoyed the ride, content in enjoying Jesus enjoying me.
I get home and am getting ready for bed. I asked God what He thought about the day. He said, "You're going to get better at leaving it all behind." I knew that He not only meant my family, but also everything in general. Whatever He asked me to leave, it would get easier. Practice makes perfect...
Then He said, "What are you leaving it all for, Jenny?"
I said, "The Kingdom."
He said, "And where is the Kingdom?"
Sunday school lessons popped out of their proper filing cabinets in my brain and I automatically thought of Matthew 10:7. I replied, "It's at hand."
This is when I realized it has always been within reach. I read the scriptures about reigning with Jesus and being God's heir and all that stuff, but it suddenly became real.
I held out my hand. I stared at my open palm. I felt the weight of the Kingdom, the responsibility of accepting this revelation.
God said, "Are you ready for it?"
I thought about it before responding, "I'm ready to spend more time with You."
BAM! More revelation slams into me sideways. What had I just said? Being ready for more responsibility = spending more time with God. It really IS ALL about Relationship and Intimacy! I can't do anything by my own strength, so leaning more and more on God is so necessary.
I am broken. I am spent on You, Jesus. This is all I need. Everything else that happens only happens because it is birthed from this relationship.
I had completely forgotten about being sick last month. Yesterday I was with my family and suddenly felt my food trying to come up. It was the same feeling I had last month and I remembered everything.
After I left them, I went to IHOP and during the service Jesus says, "I am breaking you down. I am teaching you what it means to be humble." (This was during the flow of what I blogged about yesterday, except I didn't know what "breaking you down" meant.)
So today I get to IHOP and am so relieved to sit down and breathe with God for a while. I was feeling stressed ever since I thought I was going to throw up yesterday. The person playing their set was being so transparent with their emotions while they worshiped. And then suddenly, without any warning, all of these emotions rose up and my heart completely opened up to the Lord. All of my brokenness was suddenly exposed and I just let it all out. I sobbed for over an hour, snot and all.
The whole thing felt pretty surreal because I felt enveloped by God the entire time. The wonderful thing is that He didn't try to stop me. He never tried to calm me down, He didn't even say, "It's okay, Jenny. It's all gonna be okay." The usual, cliche response to tears. He was so silent the entire time. He wanted to see all of the broken parts and wounds that needed healing. He had been waiting for this moment for a while. He wants all of me. It was a beautiful moment, no matter how painful.
When it was finally over, I felt elated despite the emotional exhaustion. I walked around for a little while like a zombie. A tired but happy zombie who does not crave human flesh.
And now here I am, wondering if there is a Round 4 in store for me. If so, bring it on...tomorrow.
I had this vision that had so much conviction in it from God that I immediately set it down, thinking, "That is heavy! I'll have to look at that later when I can let God deal with my judgmental habits."
God, being all wise and knowing, full of perfect timing, provided this opportunity to "look at that later" when I was reading in John about loving your enemies. This immediately reminded me of the vision, which I immediately set down AGAIN! I did write beside the verses about loving your enemies, "meditate on this". But still, it's time to meditate NOW! God had me tell the vision to a friend today and I could still feel the conviction in it and thought, "Wow, I need to take this conviction to heart and let it sink in and root out all that does not belong in my spirit. I feel like I'm calling the kettle black telling her this vision when I haven't even looked at it myself."
So here I am, because you too can now receive the chance to be convicted if you so choose. Join me, won't you? ;-)
This vision was a couple months ago, btw. Here it is.
God shows me a terrorist. Even though I've never seen him before, I know this man. He is a devout Muslim who has been terrorizing me. In fact, he is in the act of planning another terrorist attack against me when the vision begins. I am witnessing how this man has made it his purpose in life to torture me. When he is done with his work and planning for the day, he moves to his bed and kneels beside it. This is when I notice he is wearing white and the room and bed is white. He says his prayers. As he says his prayers, God starts speaking to me. He says, "You are to speak blessings over this man. You are to love him and I want you to pray for this man as if he were your best friend."
"You want me to do what now?!"
Oh how my spirit objects even now to this instruction. I've heard of praying for your enemies. I've heard of loving them. But...loving him, the one who is torturing me and planning to KILL ME, as if he were my best friend! God saying this to me opened my eyes to what "loving your enemies" really means.
During the vision, God was showing me how this man was no different than me. He ends his day in prayer, not to the same God, but his priorities are to the one he worships. He honestly believes he is doing right! I even saw how he did not appear evil at all. He was an ordinary man who just happened to terrorize for a living. He was fully capable of loving his god and doing anything for him, and that was what he was doing.
So I actually see where God is going with this. What if this man's heart was turned to God? What great zeal and passion would be awoken for the Kingdom of God! What love would be stirred!
Okay, I'll visit that again later. I want to continue by talking about what God was showing me tonight.
When I arrived at IHOP, I immediately felt Jesus draw me into myself toward Him. Because of this, I stayed in my seat for most of worship, watching and waiting to see what He would show me. It began when the leaders came on stage to share. The first one stood up and Jesus spoke. "He is only a boy." I looked at the leader as Jesus opened my eyes and showed me how he only spoke what God gave him and he was only on stage because God brought him there. Jesus did the same thing with the next leader who shared. I pulled them both down from the pedestal I had unknowingly put them on in my heart.
Jesus then told me that most of the time, I am only nice to people and love on them because I want them to love me. He revealed the selfish motives that I had in my heart. He said, "You will only care about MY love for you!" He is having me start pulling people in general off of the pedestal I have put them on in my heart. He told me that this is a process and that He is teaching me what humbleness really is.
So I saw the theme of all three of these things being this, We are all nothing without God. I am no better than that terrorist God showed me. If anything, I'm worse because I KNOW God and I was judging him all the same. The leaders at IHOP are in the same boat as me, seeking God and leaning on His love. They and I are nothing by ourselves.
He then showed me how I am nothing without His love. Seeking love and approval from others is not satisfying my heart and never will.
And do you know what I experienced when I realized that I am nothing without God and that the approval of man means NOTHING!!!!!!!??????????? New and deeper levels of freedom! Not only that, I experienced new and deeper levels of unity with God's people. I was able to start laying down my expectations I put on others' treatment of me and replace it with a deeper focus on God. This released pressure from everyone around me that I was unknowingly putting on them! I could seek God with abandon and enjoy His pleasure with me and welcome others' to join me in this!
It is so good to be free. It is so good to be a daughter. It is so good to be corrected by the One who knows me through and through and does not condemn me.
God showed me something tonight. He showed me myself, my spirit. I am no longer on this earth anymore, spiritually. He showed me earth, a small speck in the distance behind me. And here I was, in a vacuum being sucked forward out of the world. I am completely unattached to earth. I am free from all of the bounds it tried to latch onto me! I am looking forward and not holding myself back. I am with Jesus completely. Eternity.
But there is a danger. It is when I look back at earth. I can easily let myself, or parts of myself, slip backwards into it. But all I have to do is abide. God holds me in check.
My life is here with Jesus. Not there. HERE. I can't slip back into habits of being worried, even if others are worried. I will not hold myself back. I. Will. Live. HERE.
"Eternity's eternal song is drawing me and calling me away..."
"I guess it started when I just gave up everything that I planned to do. Going through the drive-through backwards...it didn't really matter, just to be with You.
It's just a story of a kid, who gave her life to something better than herself.
It's just a story of a kid, who gave her life to a God beyond all else." ~Everyday Sunday
I was dancing at IHOP yesterday. Wonderful Sauce. Spinning and praising, reaching and knowing He was reaching back, adoration and love mixed with a burning for more.
So I'm thoroughly enjoying God enjoying me. We're in the throne room, whirling like madmen when He says, "Jump."
I have not lept and bounded since I stopped going to dance classes. I was scared to since it had been so long. I didn't want to look like an idiot (*cough* fear of man *cough*).
But God said this to me and my legs suddenly surged with an energy could not be shaken off. But I was afraid and said to God, "I don't want to jump. I don't know what will happen if I do. Can't I just keep doing what I'm doing?" (I couldn't keep doing what I was doing by the way. My dancing came to a stop and I was just pacing back and forth fighting with God. I was no longer dancing WITH God anymore so the grace to flow was gone.)
God immediately responded, "Why are you even here, Jenny? Why are you even here if you aren't going to jump? I asked you to jump and if you aren't going to then why are you even here worshiping Me and claiming to love Me more than anything else? Jenny, why are you here?"
Wow. Such a good point. I almost started crying because of the hypocrisy of my actions, or lack of actions. God continued.
"I have only asked for you to be you. You jump, Jenny. You don't TRY to jump, you know I do not ask for you to TRY. Jump."
So I jumped. I smiled. And then I lept. I laughed. And then I bounded and jumped again.
I think I smiled the biggest smile I've ever felt on my face for 5-10 minutes straight. Time is iffy in the throne room.
God only wants to make me happy. Jumping made me VERY, EXTREMELY Happy.
Awesome Sauce. Thank You, Daddy.
"'Cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter. So thanks for making me a fighter."
and I am a lover. He knows what I mean. He has made a lover who is a warrior. Love love love and POW!
I said last night (or this morning) that I was tired. And I was complaining of that to God for the past couple days. So wrong. I was saying that I was tired of hearing Him say something that no one else was saying, tired of hanging onto Him so tightly when most people only point in His general direction, so tired of knowing He is right and everyone else is wrong, so tired of not being the same as other people, so so so, So Tired.
I was fighting. I was not loving. I was striving. I was not resting. I was frustrated. I was not yielded. I did not see Him, what He was doing for me this whole time. Protecting me, guarding me, leading me, walking with me. He is holding me, loving me, cherishing me, asking me to just Be Me.
I asked Him Tuesday out of frustration, "What do you seek from me?!?"
He yelled right back at me, "I seek you! All I wanted from the very beginning was you! Nothing else! All of you! You are more than enough for me! All I have ever asked was for you to be you!"
How could I not see that? How did I lose sight of that? My God.
I am forgiven and I won't dwell on this any more. I will go be with Jesus, my Home, my Heart. I will not ask for anything else from Him but Him. That is all I want. More.
Does this blog repeat itself? Do I lose track often? Do I strive in God's presence everyday? Do I forget the One I loved first? It's a constant battle within me to not focus on everything and anything but Jesus and His words He is constantly whispering to my spirit. Goodbye. He is wooing me further into His embrace.
I refuse to be in this grieving state any longer. Jesus and His heart is my home. He was ALWAYS supposed to be that for me, even before I moved out and came into this season. I refuse to forget. I refuse to fight with Him any more.
I will not be sick. Jesus is my refuge from everything. There is NOTHING in my life but Him.
It's almost 3 am. I'm still sick. Still have yet to cry physically. Still can't sleep.
Time to go be honest. To be honest, I'm so tired of being honest. I just want to go to bed and never again have to deal with anything, work through anything, heal from anything...
Can't we just be done?
No? No. I'm sorry, God. You see what I go and do? I know that these words hurt Jesus. He is so willing to be there for me at the drop of a hat and what do I go and do? I don't do what I have to do so He can be there for me which is...go be with Him.
I was with Him all day but I can now finally feel the breaking point upon me. It's time (please, please, PLEASE, Oh God please let it be time).
"You're on your own now, dressed in armour. If you run faster you'll forget." ~ Falling Up
This has been my secret motto for the past couple months.
I got sick last Thursday and still am. After praying and nothing permanently changing, I asked God why this was. His response made my heart sink and my mind squirm. "Your spirit is crying tears of grief and is tired."
I had no idea what emotions I had forced down or what my subconscious was now hiding from me. I didn't have to wonder long because the answer came in a dream/vision. I had it on Sunday. I was in my bed when I woke up. I went to visit my family and was looking at my old room. They wanted me to move back in. I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to move back in. I felt safe here. I was grieved by my feelings and confused. I went back to where I live now, my aunt's. I stood by my bed and looked around my room. I started crying because I knew that God had put me here but I wanted to be back with my family. I still called them home.
Don't be surprised when I tell you that when I wrote this dream down I did not make the connection to my sickness.
When I talked to Jesus about my dream, I told Him that I wanted to be in my house in heaven. I had a vision of it before and asked to go back. He granted my request. But I did not feel at home there either so I ran out the door where Jesus was waiting to lock up. He locked the door behind me. He said, "Jenny, you aren't supposed to live here now. This is not your home yet." I asked, "Where do I live then? Where is my home?"
Jesus reached out and put my hand on His heart. He said, "Here. This is your home. Your home is with me. I'm on earth with you."
I got it. sorta. I still though did not make the connection to my sickness.
Yesterday, I once again asked God why I was still sick. He said, "Your spirit is crying and unsettled. It won't settle."
I still had no idea what He was talking about.
Tonight though! Oh! Tonight! I finally got to the edge and jumped off screaming, "What am I upset about?!? Why do I feel this way? Where is this pain coming from?" I thought through the last week, searching for something that I had maybe felt grief over but immediately suppressed.
I found it.
After I moved out, I knew I felt scared but at the same time I was soooo relieved to just be out. The grace to be there was just gone. It was no longer my home.
I had bitterness towards my family though that did not belong. I worked through my feelings and forgave them.
Then last week, when I had that revelation I told you all about that changed EVERYTHING, I was on my own. My most trustworthy, closest friends were out of town. My mother (I really wanted a mother at that moment)...well, God told me not to seek comfort from her. I was not to seek comfort from ANYONE but Him this time.
But thinking tonight about last week, when all that went down, I realized something, for the first time it really hit me. I had left my home and I do not feel at home where I am now. As soon as I left, I was thrown into an intense internship as well as school. Hence the "If you run faster you'll forget". I even buried myself in ministry for a little while. And now I spend every spare minute at IHOP because that is where I feel the closest to Jesus right now. I hate being in my bed because it does not soothe me and pull me into slumber.
I realized that it was never going to go back to the way it was before the grace at my family's home went away. And even the way it was wasn't what I wanted but I felt safe there. I am not used to this way of living.
After I realized this tonight, Jesus asked me to be honest with Him verbally. This is what I said.
"I realize now that I'm not with Mom." "I'm not with Dad." "I'm not with my family." "I'm not with my friends." "I'm not with demons." "I'm not with my aunt or my uncle." "I'm with You and You alone." "But I want more!" "NO! I don't mean that. Forgive me. You are always more than enough. But I'm used to having more."
I was done. I was spent. God spoke.
"I'm unlocking the gate in your heart."
A huge spasm went through my body and I drew up like a fist. The gate where I had shut all of these feelings was opened. And as quickly as the tension came, it released. I let out a huge breathe and my spirit let out a sigh of exhaustion. God kept talking.
"I am always enough, more than enough, yes. And now I want to give you that more! Don't be afraid to ask for more. There is always more of Me for you, Jenny. Ask and you shall receive."
Oh my goodness. So sincere, so good, so true.
I'm still letting myself grieve now over the change I've been through this year instead of suppressing it. It's going to take a little while longer and that is okay. I'm not suppressing it, I'm dealing with it with Jesus. I'm also going to keep learning what Jesus being my home means until it is fully absorbed in my spirit. And I have the promise that Jesus is going to be giving me more and more and more of HIM!!!!!!!!! That is all I want. All I need.
Besides being sick and realizing why, I have had a fantastic week! Jesus is downloading things to me constantly and I know I will be blogging them soon. Maybe I'll even throw a dream your way...that has not happened in a while.
Love Jesus, love yourself, love each other. Love love itself (hint: Jesus again lol).
And I'll miss you like you're dead find a way to grieve you cause I need to try and start again and your ghost will have to leave like a child would his mother or a lover who has to say goodbye
NEWSFLASH: Being transparent and using wisdom are two completely different things.
You can be transparent and use wisdom at the same time but here is the kicker: it AIN'T easy.
That's okay though. God never told me that I needed to have all of my crap together. He never told me that by not having my crap together I was wrong.
Actually, here is a conversation we had earlier tonight.
God gave me this revelation a couple nights ago about something and I felt bad because of my behavior before I had the revelation. I would have changed every single thing I did over the past month had I had this revelation back then.
So I apologized to God for not realizing what I've realized now.
Do you know what He said?
"You weren't supposed to."
"Oh...how about that?"
After all, He was the one who gave me the revelation. And He waited to give it me for a reason.
Sometimes the only way to learn is by making mistakes or...not doing things the completely right way. ha ha. Now I know and let me tell you...I'm not letting THAT happen EVER again. Can't say I would have said that if I hadn't lived through this past week the way I did.
"No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts."
My friend, Laura, wrote this in her last blog. She was speaking of having a relationship with God but...God has been teaching me about other relationships lately. Mainly with all of my delightful friends.
TRUTH. FREEDOM. LOVE. How can someone truly love you if you aren't being truthful with them about who you are? How can you be truthful with them about who you are if you aren't being free? How can you even love YOURSELF if you aren't being free and truthful about who you are with others?
I've been too hard on myself lately, I admit that. I over-analyze every situation and then I finally take it to God and do you know what He has been saying to me lately? "Jenny, I'm not worried about it."
If God, the creator of EVERYTHING is not worried about something, why the heck am I?
I was trying to control who I was around certain people. I was being free around some, and hiding around others. I thought that I was doing God's will by doing this, using wisdom. If I acted a certain way around certain people than they would accept me. Then I could minister to them.
WRONG!
God told me that is NOT why He has brought these people into my life. He said that I am to just SHINE my light. I'm to be completely who He has made me to be. Free.
He also told me that my behavior was caused by me trying to please other lovers besides Himself. What? I have other lovers? Yes. If I'm more worried about pleasing others instead of pleasing God, that makes them lovers. Fear of man. Oh My Lord. I repent.
There is also the fact that I was not acting within His will, which meant I was striving.
So here I go. Being transparent and using wisdom. Beware. My behavior may possibly offend. ;-)
I forgave others and I forgave myself. I allowed God to empower me to make the change by letting go of everything. By letting go I was freed.
My mind was cleared out and afterward I was freaked out by how silent my thoughts were. There was no more worry or fear of the future. Judgments I had put on myself that were not from God were gone...I did not know what to do.
God pointed out who and what the devil was using to get his hands on me so he could control me. So after I was free from these things, I realized why my mind was so quiet. It was because I did not feel the need to do anything! All feelings of obligation were gone, all false burdens and judgments, even accusations were no where to be found. I also found myself unable to feel sorry for myself for any reason.
I did not know what to do because these things had always been taking charge of my mind and making me feel like I always had to be doing SOMETHING!
There was (is) so much peace that it freaked me out. I immediately got jittery and wanted to do something but, God would not allow it. I was only supposed to continue receiving the deliverance He was ministering to me. I stayed in the same place for about 5 hours. It. Was. Intense.
It has made today to be very interesting because I am so used to worrying about things, judging people, getting angry and bitter, manipulating out of my selfish motives, being manipulated by the spirit of control. My whole life has been made quiet. It is awesome. Oh who would have ever known this Could be this easy? I was a long, long way off Then just like that it's over Everything I knew of love I was a long, long way off
And I think I like how the day sounds Like how the day sounds through this new song
Thank you for opening the window The sky is clear as my mind is now I was a long, long way off Join me in welcoming the sun in It's much brighter than the night I hid in I was a long, long way off
I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone last night, Nicki. She is in Florida working for a church right now and I'm also super busy, so our phone chats are few and far between.
We had been talking for almost a hour when we both realized something. We had been talking about everyone and everything except for what was going on within OUR heads. There was only surface talk. Asking ourselves why this was, we realized that it was because it was safe territory. I mean, when do you come across such a friend with whom you can totally be yourself? Almost never. Nicki is that friend for me but, I think it scares the crap out of me still. We've been friends for a couple years now and have always tried our best to be honest with each other, no matter what consequences may turn up. We really put ourselves out there with each other but, one never seems shocked senseless by what the other is going through or thinking. So why were we beating around the bush during this conversation?
I think it still scares me a little, because when someone wants to know what is going on within your spirit, it not only causes you to voice these things. It also causes you to actually think, "Wait a minute...what IS going on inside of me right now?"
To allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other once again. To not run away when you realize what you have to do and have shared it with someone else. Nicki and I have fought to hold each other accountable for our actions when we are doing something we know is not good for the other. Sometimes, one of us runs away from the other because we don't WANT to do what we have to do. Those times apart were awful. "cause life's not life, no, life's not life without someone like you to walk around this city when autumn's air is cool and paper thin. we've crawled this far to creep a little more but, if you stay away i'm sure it'll be okay (at least that's what I'm supposed to say). should absence be the only point we share to hinge our lives i'll wonder where you are, what life's been like, when i'm wrinkled and my hair is white. if time should waste itself till we're 94 and you find yourself knocking on my door, i swear i'll greet you with a smile. but i'd rather...i'd rather it not unfold that way."
But we always come around in the end. I can't hide the fact that I need this friendship.
We shared our deep and profound thoughts with each other last night forthwith. It was amazing. The fellowship that we were able experience, the understanding, the encouragement...it fed our spirits.
Afterwards, I was lying on my bed, and I felt like a bunch of air had just been expelled from my body. I was flat, stretched out, and happy. I was accepted by Nicki not despite my honesty but, because of it.
I have said it and I will say it again. I refuse to run away.
Nicki and I have been through a lot, together and apart. I can't imagine anyone else with whom I would want to adopt three babies from other countries, as well as a space baby (which is why I am not married, I have not come across that man yet).
She feels deeply, expresses loudly (around me anyway), cares profoundly, loves unconditionally. I am blessed to have you in my life. God knew what He was doing when He collided our lives so awkwardly.
I have never been on a Spoken kick. I always noticed they were anointed in passing and never took it further till now. Here is yesterday's song on repeat.
we were side by side for so long, somehow we lost our way when will we meet again? i'm praying for someday, i remember walking beside you, i remember how you sang, of your fathers love forever, am i to blame? did i lead you wrong? did i lead you astray? was i wrong? am i to blame?
I realized tonight that I was beginning to settle for something. I was beginning to settle for less freedom, because I sense others around me not being as free, and I was letting it affect me. I thought, "Well, that is okay, I'll just change for them so I'll fit in more. I'll be accepted in their lives."
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, please, don't let me do that ever again. I believe it needed to happen though, so I could see for myself what was going down, deep inside of me.
Jenny, let yourself be crazy and free. Let yourself be different. Let yourself be me, or you...Let Jesus shine through you. When I act like that, I'm holding Jesus back. I'm holding Him deep inside. I'm hiding Him away from others, from myself. I'm so sorry.
When I realized what I had been doing I remembered a blog I wrote in February 2008. I had just been through a LONG (it felt long anyway) season of allowing myself to settle for less than I craved. Here is what I wrote. It is just as true today if now more so.
"So, I have decided that no matter what, I want to act weird and crazy. I want to be fat and ugly...pregnant and dressed poorly. Standing out among thousands and offensive in so many ways. Never fitting in and being set aside time after time. Never agreeing and constantly being blamed for everything. Being stared at and being judged wrongly. Never being seen at all perhaps and being ignored forever and ever. Spoken unkindly to and cursed in so many ways (but they can never stick). Constantly misunderstood and hopelessly awkward. Standing in an empty field in the middle of a storm. I have decided this because in all these ways, doing all of these things, just being completely incomplete, being me...in all these ways I have You. I keep You here with me...and You in turn keep me."
I will hold myself back no more. I'm refusing to settle. Doing so is being disobedient, it is holding Jesus back in my life. I feel like I cheated on Jesus with this other life I was suddenly thinking about living. That life would have been SO different than living life with Him FULLY!
Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong kind of place To be thinking of you It's the wrong time For somebody new It's a small crime And I've got no excuse
I feel like I'm waking up from a deep sleep of sorts.
It's like the devil tries to control me, to put in a box. And he does it so discretely! He comes at me sideways, pats my back, offers a compliment. Smiles and then WHAM! He has me fooled and I am basking in what I think is something better than I have with Jesus, because I actually think it is Jesus. But do you know what came with this? Confusion. Confusion is not of God. So if you find yourself confused about something...stop and ask God about it.
current song on repeat. my love for sad songs runs DEEP.
I close my eyes for a while And force from the world a patient smile
But I gave you all
But you rip it from my hands And you swear it's all gone And you rip out all I have Just to say that you've won
My joy has been coming and going in waves. At least, that is how it feels. I have been getting WAY too serious. I keep saying I need more alone time, so I go soak, and it is AWESOME! And then the next day I get serious again and once again, I need alone time.
Why am I so serious right now? I don't get it. I don't like it. It's not supposed to be like this. I am a bubbly, overflowing person. Sometimes though, I do not feel the freedom to just be me. Not cool. I need to get away for a little while I think...or would that be running away? I'm not supposed to run away. I need to get out of this weird cycle I have fallen into this past week. I'm pretty darn tired of it. I feel really unpredictable. And no, this is not PMS.
I think I am worried about something...yep.
I am worried that time is going to pass by, and when it is over I will have found that I did not spend it like I wanted to. Too often, I look back and realized that I wasted time with certain people who were just sucking me dry, while the true friends sat on the wayside. I look back and want to relive yesterday.
I can't allow myself to look back anymore. Learn your lesson, Jenny, and move on. Get out of this funk, and get rid of the junk.
I miss Joy. The kind that starts from the very core of you and pours out of your pores because you can't contain it even when you are still.
Jesus loves me, what more do I need? Oh shoot, I just realized that I am afraid. I'm afraid of missing life because I'll make a mistake if I get all joyful and not analyze everything. WRONG! There is a difference between being sober in spirit and worrying. Jesus wants to use me just by letting me be me and living through me. Jesus is right here with me even now, and He wants to love me and get me to let myself go. BE UNAFRAID, JENNY! Be raw, be real, be free.
And I will not let myself live life alone anymore. Being obedient means taking God's advice, right? Right. I need to let my friends love me and spend time with me and give them a chance to love me even when it isn't fun to be with me. hee hee.
I'm still afraid of getting really close to people. I don't want to "need" them or "depend" on them. And annoying them or taking up too much of there time seems inevitable if I start to. These are awful lies! Such an attack from the devil. If I have proper boundaries, then life is fine.
I know the truth. God loves to love me through His children. But here is what I am realizing, do I love to love them? Do I, myself, have selfish motives when I am around these people? I've realized I do, most of the time. So we're working on that. I want a pure heart that does not seek to take as much as it gives.
Have any of you ever been hurt slowly, over time, by someone, or a group of people, and not realized it until way later?
It is the pits but, I would rather realize that I'm hurt and set boundaries than not.
I think one of the reasons why it takes me so long to realize that I'm being hurt is because I hate thinking bad of others. Being judgmental is wrong but, sometimes it's just a fact that someone is bad for you.
I'm in wisdom training for sure. God has been showing me who I can trust and who I can't. Some people just want to use you and suck you dry. It's an awful truth. I've been reading Proverbs lately, and it speaks of these people repeatedly.
But then God shows you that they aren't good for you, you set boundaries, and then...FREEDOM and HEALING!
I've worked for so long just to see you mess around What you've done, what you've done, what you've done I want back the years that you took when I was young I was young, I was young, but it's done
I have spent a roughly 12 hours soaking the past two days. Dude. I can say for the first time, honestly, more so than in any of these other blogs, that I get it. I truly get, for the first time in years, I understand that Jesus truly, indeed loves me. And I love Him. I still need to be fully submitted, but I'm getting there. Sometimes the knowledge of His love evades me, but I can't let that make me doubt.
I have left behind all other distractions, and want to hold onto THIS MOMENT. Oh my Jesus. Don't let me hold back any more of Your love for as long as I live. I need You so much closer than this, I realize that now. I am in a dry and weary land, where there is no water. And I haven't even come close to realizing what it means to be drenched and saturated by Your love. But I'm closer than I was.
What do I want to do? What is going to make me happy? What makes me feel alive?
What do I want to do with my life again? hm?
Jesus told me yesterday that the question was not what I SHOULD do but what I WANT to do. He said that my true desires are much greater than I realize right now. They are also not coming to mind...I've been drawing a complete blank for the past year.
I watched Stranger Than Fiction with my brother, Jon, yesterday. Dude, we loved it! One of the characters is named Ana, and her story really made me start thinking.
Ever since 2010 rolled around, I've been hearing DESTINY in almost every prophetic word I've gotten. Caleb saw the word written on my forehead this past weekend. Last night, I was at the brothers' house (a few of my guy friends all live in the same house), and they suddenly start saying "You have a purpose, Jenny. You have a destiny", randomly, not even knowing they are reading my mail for the day. And this was after my conversation with Jesus, which I had in the car on the way home from watching Stranger Than Fiction with Jon.
Jesus is still setting me up, everyday, to keep my thinking about this. Honestly, Jesus, I can't figure out what I want to do or what is going to make me happy. So I'll just sit at Your feet till I do.
You know, I'm wondering if the problem is my dreams are so big I don't think I can accomplish them. I'm going to sit on that for a while.
"If I knew hope, I'd know your face. If I knew love, well, I'd know your taste. Oh, and if I felt peace it'd be your hand in my hand. I have faith it'd be in one single man. And if I knew beauty that stretched over miles, I'd know each perfect curve of your smile. If I knew grace that made bitter stones dance, I'd know the warmth of your merciful glance. If I knew home like the birds know the sky, I'd know each colored thread in your eye. And when time simply won't stand still, it's so nice knowing You will." ~ oh dorian
It's good to know that I'm a happy person, or else we'd have to do something about my love for sad music.
I have learned (once again for the millionth time) that spending time with Jesus and soaking with Him is the most important thing. Hands down. Everything else is amazing too (healing, prophecy, miracles, signs and wonders, dancing, reading the Bible, ect.) and Jesus loves it, but it should never replace hanging out with Him.
How many blogs have I written about this? Hm?
I don't want to be a Martha, I want to be a Mary. Let us see if I will have to learn this once again ;-)
It's like I forget about coffee time. I forget that all I need to do is abide, and if I'm supposed to do something, Jesus will let me know.
Even though Caleb reminded me of this a few days ago, I just finally entered into this realization last night. I suddenly felt myself relax and trust a little more. Trust, Faith... these are the things I need to work on during this season of my life. I am supposed to stop being so active in His presence for the time being and realize that He really is taking care of me. That His words are true and real in my life. Do you know that I have the hardest time believing that He already has everything taken care of? I do. THIS is what I'm supposed to learn during my times with Him right now. If I don't have a strong faith in what He is doing in my life and is going to do, then I won't be able to enter into it when the time comes.
Been listening to some old Lifehouse during my soaking times. Been rocking my world!
I'm the only female leader of a discipleship program this summer. It's been 3 weeks, and we have 3 weeks left.
Yesterday, I was at a big leadership meeting about future plans. Most of what they were talking about did not concern me directly, so my mind would wander. I started thinking about my conversations with the girls in the program, and wondering if any of my words were impacting them. The thought came that I was probably talking TOO much, just to fill up space. Suddenly, God decided to interrupt my line of thinking.
He said, "Do you remember those radio programs and movies we've listened to and watched, and what your favorite part in those shows was?"
I immediately thought of the random, wise character that had a very tiny role in whatever story was unfolding. Then, something bad would happen, or the hero would hit a wall. This wise and humble character would then maybe say one or two lines, and they would be the most profound statements in the entire movie. The hero's life would be changed when he understood the meaning behind this character's few words of wisdom.
God then said, "You could be THAT guy!"
I thought, "Man, I would LOVE to be that guy!"
I knew that God was reminding me to just simply abide with the Holy Spirit, and keep my mouth shut so that way I wasn't speaking out of my flesh. And whenever the time is RIGHT, the perfect words would be dropped into my spirit.
Abiding. Getting Closer and Closer to God.
...I see where this is going. ;-)
My feet felt light for the first time in months It was like You came walking across the room Straight at me and then straight through me And then stopped and stood still for awhile I knew then that I'd been lonely for quite some time And as we started to dance, You gently took off my tear-soaked coat And let it fall heavy to the floor and then We danced some more
When all is said and done When all is gone and still just begun I will be asked what I did with my time and why Can You be my alibi Cause I know I spent it dancing with You
I have been here before These emotions are relived It's like a joy déjà vu You have been walking along With me for quite some time But me with my deaf ear and my blind sides Both of these I turned against You We all know that You're there We all know
I was telling my friend, Caleb, yesterday about my spiritual boredom. He informed me that my contending has gotten warped to where I was focused on the new thing instead of God. He was so right, and it was a little hard to hear.
I spent roughly 5 hours driving yesterday, so I had lots of time to talk to God about this. He told me that I had really hurt him the last few days, because I wast treating Him like He wasn't enough. Spending time with Him is ALWAYS enough, more than enough. He said, "Come closer and closer."
How did I forget that focusing on Jesus and getting closer to Him is how every new thing comes about? Hmm? I don't know. Crazy Jenny Ray. Calm down and take a chill pill.
With a longing heart you turn the tides and say goodbye With a love that always fades You hold on so tight, hold back the tears Legacy that strays so strong is pulling at your heart All the castles that you made are falling apart Love is waiting here
Come back, in these places In these places this is all that you need when you want to come back
Blowing in the wind a taste of something tragically Comes to find you when you fall and when you're in need See beneath the skin Always waiting is a love that moves Your pains away Always waiting will embrace and wash tears away Places where this begins
You make believe that the world is never going to mount you (this place is safe) That your love is always going to stay true What do you see when you fall asleep (Jesus in longing) That you will want the blood His hands can bleed
I'm about to head to bed, because I'm full of pizza. And I actually plan to wake up with the sun tomorrow. I have failed for the past two days, but tonight I was watching the sunset and felt like I had totally missed out. When I watched the sunrise on Sunday, the whole day I felt like the sun and I were secret friends. I was hanging 4th of July decorations in a tree outside later that morning, and felt the rays on my neck. I suddenly looked up and thought, "Hey...I know you...." I felt at peace with the day, knowing that I had not missed a second. Never feeling like that before, the plan is to capture that feeling again tomorrow. I'm a solar powered chick.
I went for a walk today in the woods. It was short, and very sweet. If I hadn't been on my way to something, I would have stayed much longer. I did have time to stop and watch a butterfly, and as I watched, I found myself surrounded by birds. Mostly screeching, baby titmice, with the occasional towhee. But still, I really miss Nature. We used to be really close.
I am so busy now that I believe I'm finally realizing what is most important to me. I say no a lot now, because I want to say yes to the things I really want to do during my short spare time. Like blogging, apparently... ;-) Speaking of which, I got sidetracked while writing this blog and have been scanning an old blog...whoa. I'm going to be posting some of that stuff on here soon.
Nature, I'll be seeing you soon.
Let me out from this house, I want the wind in my hair. The nearness to a window is no longer a sufficient sun. I'm sick of this vase telling me how deep my roots can reach. It only gives me as much as it can hold for me to drink.
~ "Wildflower" GS Megaphone
An update for you all about my spiritual boredom: I feel like what I'm about to do this "contending" is like when Jacob wrestled with God. Painful, but worth it. This is something I wrote in a blog in 2008, and I think it fits now as much as it did then.
"to be passionate. to see everything through to the end. to never quit just because it gets too hard. to know what you have to do. to then do what you have to do. to have God tell you that if you don't do it, no one else will. to let your own guards down and let God be your only protection. to live your life walking towards God. And even though He has a gun in His hand, you keep on walking, trusting that He is only going to kill the things that are getting in between both of you. you keep walking even when most of those things end up being parts of you. you keep walking, knowing God loves you and always will. you keep walking, and forget the world's warning that this would happen. that God was going to be walking towards you with a gun in His hand. that He was going to try to kill you. because you know that God wants to make you dead to the world. and as you walk towards Him, you let Him."
I have three brothers. They are all amazing. One is Jon, who is 16.
Jon and I are in the middle, and we have definitely held onto each other and not taken the other for granted. When it got rough or tense in our family, we could goof off together. Laughter was used as therapy. I was playing a scene in my head today over and over.
Years back, we are both sitting in the back of our parent's car on the driveway of a family member's house. Our parents are inside, trying to help this family member. The situation was amazingly tense and stressful, and had been going on for years.
Jon and I were being quiet, listening to the car radio, which had been left on for us. It was playing oldies, and Jack and Diane by John Mellencamp started playing. The tune was catchy, and Jon is a huge fan of classic hits.
It was dusk. Tired from the long, exhausting day, and feeling rather punchy, we both start bobbin to the beat. Then, with a silent understanding that this moment is bigger and more important than this whole day has been, we spontaneously create a silly dance to this song.
Little did we know then that we were making history, our own history. That moment was not only bigger than that day, is was bigger than that whole, long season of our lives. It was then that Jon and I decided to have a good day, no matter what was going on around us.
Our parents soon got in the car tired and sad, and who could blame them.
On the other hand, Jon and I had experienced a shift in our moods. We had found joy in loving each other, and I can not think of a lot of happier moments, despite the stress of that day.
I got extremely frustrated a couple nights ago. I was driving home from IHOP after one of their services, and found myself getting agitated. I asked God what was going on and He said, "You're bored."
"Oh...right."
I realized that I have been spiritually bored for a while now. So I said, "Yes, I am bored. I love You, but I know that You have more to give me, and I want that now, because I know that it is there! I have been bored and complacent for the past week, and am no longer satisfied with this state of being. What should I do?"
I immediately remembered an email my friend Sergio sent me in March. Here is an excerpt.
"But I'm so hungry for intimacy with Him, Jenny, I don't wanna just be living in the same city with Him but I want to be right there in the chambers of the King. And like The Final Quest, I want to be as close as I can be! It actually talks about the thrones in Job 36:5-12 'He has seated them forever.' ...Jamie Pridgen from IHOP-Atlanta was telling a story of how there was a man who had a dream he was in the woods and saw a chariot of fire come to him in the woods, an angel came to him and told him to get in. The chariot took him across a blue sapphire sea where there was blue sand in every direction for as far as you could see. he got out of the chariot and Jesus appeared to him. "This is the sea of the knowledge of God." He explained. "Every grand of sand is an aspect of who I am." He knelt down to scoop up a hand full of sand in His hand. "This is all I've given for the sons of men to know in this age." He opens His other hand and there is only one grain of sand. "...And this is all the church has been staring at for the past two thousand years." And Jenny it's stuff like that that just stirs me to seek and run after the knowledge of God, the invite to know Him more and more deeper!"
Driving in the car, I knew that the new thing that God wants to release on me, on us, is something I should CONTEND for. I was tired of staring at this one grain of sand, especially knowing that this is not what God intended. And I also had this feeling that waking up really early had something to do with this contending, but I didn't know what. I felt like God wanted me to turn on the radio, and the song playing was saying "you're a new morning" over and over.
I didn't want to go home, so I drove to the next town, not really knowing why. I thought I was going to Chili's to eat good food and have a long talk with God. But God said, "You should talk to Moshe about what you're feeling. He'll understand and he is a 'die hard'."
I was hungry and stubborn though, so I went ahead to Chili's. After standing there for 5 minutes, and not one of their waiters coming to seat me, I was getting ticked. God said, "You are supposed to be talking to Moshe."
"Fine."
Moshe was in this town, and after I shared my feelings of boredom and hunger for something completely new and different from God, he confessed to having the same feelings. After we talked and prayed, he had an idea. His idea was to wake up the next day really early and go watch the sunrise. Thinking about my thoughts in the car about waking up early, I agreed. We were going to greet the new day as well as whatever the new thing was that God has for us.
It was awesome, I have never purposely sat and watched a sunrise before, and I was in awe at the wonder of it. I now want to greet every day this way.
And for now, this story ends here, because I'm still contending...if you feel like you are left hanging, you are not alone. I feel the same.
Come my tan-faced children, Follow well in order, get your weapons ready, Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes? Pioneers! O pioneers! For we cannot tarry here, We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger, We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend, Pioneers! O pioneers! O you youths, Western youths, So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship, Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost, Pioneers! O pioneers! Have the elder races halted? Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the seas? We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson, Pioneers! O pioneers! All the past we leave behind, We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world, Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march, Pioneers! O pioneers! We detachments steady throwing, Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep, Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways, Pioneers! O pioneers! - from Pioneers! O Pioneers! by Walt Whitman
