Thursday, September 30, 2010

I'm so in love with You.

I can't seem to forget His love for me.

I'm entering into a new season. It's really different from the one I'm leaving. I've just been in the prayer room at IHOP everyday, soaking and being still. This has been my place of worship. At first I complained until I realized that this is THE BEST season I've ever had! EVER!!!!!! It is so good to just be with Jesus. The best thing I've ever done, can ever do, and will ever do.

So now God is asking me to step up. Well, more like telling me. It's a do or die decision. There is no gray area. I'm either in or I'm out. God said the same thing He did when He asked me to jump. He said, "Why are you even here, claiming you love me if you aren't going to obey me?"

So here I am. Obeying. I prayed on the microphone during an intercession set yesterday (SCARY, dying to my flesh stuff right there. Fear of man needs to get the heck out of my life. Seriously.) and also am going to audition for vocals in a few weeks.

AAAHHH!!!!! This all started when God gave me a dream about me doing these two things a couple days ago. The dream involved a guy named Bruce (a worship leader here) who was leading a worship set and then an intercession set here. At the beginning of the dream I went on stage and sang with him. I'm not telling the whole dream but here is the awesome part where God gave me a huge confirmation about singing here.

I was in the cafe area of IHOP yesterday by myself eating. I finished and was cleaning up when I had the urge to sing, so I did. As I was singing, the Holy Spirit suddenly says, "Someone is about to walk in here and they are going to suggest you audition for vocals."

I kept singing and then Bruce walks into the room. He looks at me and says, "Have you ever auditioned for a set?"

" But I did have this dream...." I preceded to tell him the dream.

How AMAZING is God? I mean, Bruce was the one in my dream!

When I'm finished telling the dream Bruce is excited and says, "Well, if you audition I would love to have you on my set."

Wowzer. Okay. I am greatly encouraged.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do

I visited my parent's house yesterday. It was a lovely visit. On the way home, I was aware how different the drive was than the ones previous to my moving out. I remembered how I used to feel like I was driving away from all of my problems. I now did not feel this way. I didn't feel like I driving towards my problems either. Hmm...interesting. I could not really think of a problem I had. My worries are gone. "The Very Thought of You", sung by Tony Bennett, came on my shuffle. I sat back and enjoyed the ride, content in enjoying Jesus enjoying me.

I get home and am getting ready for bed. I asked God what He thought about the day. He said, "You're going to get better at leaving it all behind."
I knew that He not only meant my family, but also everything in general. Whatever He asked me to leave, it would get easier. Practice makes perfect...

Then He said, "What are you leaving it all for, Jenny?"

I said, "The Kingdom."

He said, "And where is the Kingdom?"

Sunday school lessons popped out of their proper filing cabinets in my brain and I automatically thought of Matthew 10:7. I replied, "It's at hand."

This is when I realized it has always been within reach. I read the scriptures about reigning with Jesus and being God's heir and all that stuff, but it suddenly became real.

I held out my hand. I stared at my open palm. I felt the weight of the Kingdom, the responsibility of accepting this revelation.

God said, "Are you ready for it?"

I thought about it before responding, "I'm ready to spend more time with You."

BAM! More revelation slams into me sideways. What had I just said? Being ready for more responsibility = spending more time with God. It really IS ALL about Relationship and Intimacy! I can't do anything by my own strength, so leaning more and more on God is so necessary.

I am broken. I am spent on You, Jesus. This is all I need. Everything else that happens only happens because it is birthed from this relationship.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It's Okay to Cry

Round 3

Today, over a month later, I finally cried.

I had completely forgotten about being sick last month. Yesterday I was with my family and suddenly felt my food trying to come up. It was the same feeling I had last month and I remembered everything.

After I left them, I went to IHOP and during the service Jesus says, "I am breaking you down. I am teaching you what it means to be humble." (This was during the flow of what I blogged about yesterday, except I didn't know what "breaking you down" meant.)

So today I get to IHOP and am so relieved to sit down and breathe with God for a while. I was feeling stressed ever since I thought I was going to throw up yesterday. The person playing their set was being so transparent with their emotions while they worshiped. And then suddenly, without any warning, all of these emotions rose up and my heart completely opened up to the Lord. All of my brokenness was suddenly exposed and I just let it all out. I sobbed for over an hour, snot and all.

The whole thing felt pretty surreal because I felt enveloped by God the entire time. The wonderful thing is that He didn't try to stop me. He never tried to calm me down, He didn't even say, "It's okay, Jenny. It's all gonna be okay." The usual, cliche response to tears. He was so silent the entire time. He wanted to see all of the broken parts and wounds that needed healing. He had been waiting for this moment for a while. He wants all of me. It was a beautiful moment, no matter how painful.

When it was finally over, I felt elated despite the emotional exhaustion. I walked around for a little while like a zombie. A tired but happy zombie who does not crave human flesh.

And now here I am, wondering if there is a Round 4 in store for me. If so, bring it on...tomorrow.

Goodnight, fair people.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I am the same as this man, my enemy.

I had this vision that had so much conviction in it from God that I immediately set it down, thinking, "That is heavy! I'll have to look at that later when I can let God deal with my judgmental habits."

God, being all wise and knowing, full of perfect timing, provided this opportunity to "look at that later" when I was reading in John about loving your enemies. This immediately reminded me of the vision, which I immediately set down AGAIN! I did write beside the verses about loving your enemies, "meditate on this". But still, it's time to meditate NOW! God had me tell the vision to a friend today and I could still feel the conviction in it and thought, "Wow, I need to take this conviction to heart and let it sink in and root out all that does not belong in my spirit. I feel like I'm calling the kettle black telling her this vision when I haven't even looked at it myself."

So here I am, because you too can now receive the chance to be convicted if you so choose. Join me, won't you? ;-)

This vision was a couple months ago, btw. Here it is.

God shows me a terrorist. Even though I've never seen him before, I know this man. He is a devout Muslim who has been terrorizing me. In fact, he is in the act of planning another terrorist attack against me when the vision begins. I am witnessing how this man has made it his purpose in life to torture me. When he is done with his work and planning for the day, he moves to his bed and kneels beside it. This is when I notice he is wearing white and the room and bed is white. He says his prayers. As he says his prayers, God starts speaking to me. He says, "You are to speak blessings over this man. You are to love him and I want you to pray for this man as if he were your best friend."

"You want me to do what now?!"

Oh how my spirit objects even now to this instruction. I've heard of praying for your enemies. I've heard of loving them. But...loving him, the one who is torturing me and planning to KILL ME, as if he were my best friend! God saying this to me opened my eyes to what "loving your enemies" really means.

During the vision, God was showing me how this man was no different than me. He ends his day in prayer, not to the same God, but his priorities are to the one he worships. He honestly believes he is doing right! I even saw how he did not appear evil at all. He was an ordinary man who just happened to terrorize for a living. He was fully capable of loving his god and doing anything for him, and that was what he was doing.

So I actually see where God is going with this. What if this man's heart was turned to God? What great zeal and passion would be awoken for the Kingdom of God! What love would be stirred!

Okay, I'll visit that again later. I want to continue by talking about what God was showing me tonight.

When I arrived at IHOP, I immediately felt Jesus draw me into myself toward Him. Because of this, I stayed in my seat for most of worship, watching and waiting to see what He would show me. It began when the leaders came on stage to share. The first one stood up and Jesus spoke. "He is only a boy." I looked at the leader as Jesus opened my eyes and showed me how he only spoke what God gave him and he was only on stage because God brought him there. Jesus did the same thing with the next leader who shared. I pulled them both down from the pedestal I had unknowingly put them on in my heart.

Jesus then told me that most of the time, I am only nice to people and love on them because I want them to love me. He revealed the selfish motives that I had in my heart. He said, "You will only care about MY love for you!" He is having me start pulling people in general off of the pedestal I have put them on in my heart. He told me that this is a process and that He is teaching me what humbleness really is.

So I saw the theme of all three of these things being this, We are all nothing without God. I am no better than that terrorist God showed me. If anything, I'm worse because I KNOW God and I was judging him all the same. The leaders at IHOP are in the same boat as me, seeking God and leaning on His love. They and I are nothing by ourselves.

He then showed me how I am nothing without His love. Seeking love and approval from others is not satisfying my heart and never will.

And do you know what I experienced when I realized that I am nothing without God and that the approval of man means NOTHING!!!!!!!??????????? New and deeper levels of freedom! Not only that, I experienced new and deeper levels of unity with God's people. I was able to start laying down my expectations I put on others' treatment of me and replace it with a deeper focus on God. This released pressure from everyone around me that I was unknowingly putting on them! I could seek God with abandon and enjoy His pleasure with me and welcome others' to join me in this!

It is so good to be free. It is so good to be a daughter. It is so good to be corrected by the One who knows me through and through and does not condemn me.