Friday, April 27, 2012

A Soldier's Stride

I wish I could have seen their faces.
Full of hope as they marched down the street.
I would have wandered out to see their stride.
It was a stride that made you know that you could do it, too.
You could look on your own day with hope and pride.
Your goal was just as important.

They passed, and people stepped out into the street to watch them disappear.
Men of magic, men of purpose, men who knew they didn't deserve the chance to serve.
They served us well. Keeping the enemy behind the lines so we could keep our own goals.

I drove down that street the other day, and I imagined their stride.
I imagined their faces, grave yet joyful.
They knew they would not return.

The city continues about its day, every person with their goals.
We're so important, our simple days so precious.
It was right for them to fight. It was their choice to serve.
But if I could remember them more often, I feel that choice would have more worth.
For what is a faceless soldier to this city? What is a dead man's sacrifice?
And are my goals helping the fight? Or will this city eventually fall?

Monday, April 23, 2012

All I see and hear keeps my prayers near.

Last Wednesday, I went to a prophecy room to get encouragement. One man, Jaime, said that he saw me climbing up a mountain so steep I had to use my hands to pull me up. I was gaining no ground, though, because of rocks being loose. So, I was constantly scurrying, only to stay in the same place. He said that this showed that I was a fighter, and I that I shouldn't give up.

This did encourage me, because it validated how I have been feeling about what has happening in my life lately. It has encouraged me further the past couple of days, as more hindrances announce themselves.

I stayed up into the early hours yesterday to pray, and this evening I went to a prayer group. I admitted to God at the prayer group that I feel helpless in the face of the current circumstances that surround me and my family. All I see and hear has kept my spirit, mind, and heart on its hands and knees this past week. I will continue to seek his face and help in earnest, as I find no rest until I do. All current circumstances do, besides keep my arms reaching for help, are bring to light circumstances that I had forgotten could have solutions if God would only touch them. And I forget to ask.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:7

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I dream of nice things, expensive things.

I had a dream today that I fell in love and got married. Always a nice dream. In the dream, my husband showed me a clip that was like a movie of our future. I had bought something expensive and breakable, and I put it in our bedroom. We had friends visiting, and they had a kid. The kid was playing in our bedroom, and ended up breaking the expensive thing. I entered the room and saw the thing broken. I was angry, took the kid by the arm so he was very close to my face, and started telling him that he should have been more careful. The clip ended, and my husband said. "Wouldn't it be better if you had never bought that thing, or anything expensive that could be ruined? How much different would our lives be if we didn't buy anything expensive? We could just use what we already have, and only buy things that we don't mind being broken." This sounded good to me. I didn't want to yell at anyone. If not buying expensive, pretty things would help me yell at less people, I would do it happily. I woke up, and have been thinking about how small the reasons are that I get mad at people. What can I do to avoid these reasons even coming up? It isn't something I have thought of doing before this dream. Instead of stumbling into moments of anger, I could see what causes these episodes, and stop them from ever happening.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

You know what's funny?

I was just skimming through a couple of my old journals, and discovered something. I have changed! I actually am more positive than I was then. I actually am not always thinking about the negative things that I was struggling with then.

The truth is that there is no negative within me with which to struggle. Jesus threw those out a long time ago. All I have been dealing with are dirty, dirty visitors.

So, goodbye, Mr. Lame Lies, and all of his friends.

No, I don't wanna battle from beginning to end
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge
I don't wanna follow Death and all his friends

Breaking habits...still.

The past couple of days I have felt a discomfort in how I spend my time and where my thoughts go. There are many times when I let inner groaning take over my thoughts. These thoughts then take over my whole day, and then I can barely break through to the other side. I have changed my diet back to consuming the most minimum amounts of sugar as possible, as well as eliminating most unnecessary carbs and all caffeinated coffee. I'm taking my vitamins, eating healthy, and I am feeling the difference. But one thing is I spend my time. What I do during my time alone is an investment in my time spent with others, and I spend much of it on negative thoughts about my life and myself.

I also want to change my habits back to what I did when I was younger. I spent much of my time focusing on the beauty of life. I loved bird watching, writing, reading, hiking, worshiping, and watching uplifting movies.

I still love these things, but I hardly make time to do any of them. I have to break the cycle. It is up to me to not make myself a victim of my own thoughts and ways!

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8

I feel like a broken record, always blogging about the same things, but these are my struggles.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Trying not to stiffen.

I know Jesus has a plan, but when I actually sit down and listen to all of the wrong and injustice in the world, I cry. There is nothing I can really do for most of it except climb the stairs to my room and beg God to change it. Change it all.

I am so self-indulgent and apathetic, though. It seems that 2 seconds after I'm crying I forget.

"You will remain the same until the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of change."

I am so frightened that I stiffen to my core at the thought of how fast Autism is spreading. Many of the probable causes of it are preventable, and could be eliminated. They remain, though, and what can we do about it?

Climb the stairs and beg on the floor as we try not to stiffen.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Back to the basics

I'm trying to get back to blogging just to blog, journaling just to journal, reading just to read, being outside just to be outside.

The internet really can take things out of perspective. BUT I STILL LOVE IT.

Last night I tried watching The Green Lantern, but it was done so poorly that my jaw was dropping. I stopped it and started The Tourist. The opening was a little bizarre, and it wasn't long before I fell asleep.

I woke up on the couch with my head jammed up against the armrest. I heard Micah (the baby who is still with us, the CUTEST baby in the world who is still with us, THE BEST BABY IN THE WORLD who is still with us, MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO IS STILL WITH US!). He was laughing, and that always makes me jump out of bed, or off the couch, to see him.

Mother Joan came over to help with Micah while Mom went to the eye doctor (Micah sucker punched Mom in the eye last week). She showed me an adorable fashion blog that she had spent the entire previous afternoon browsing. I found myself coming close to doing the same, but pulled myself away to do my Monday cleaning.

I folded laundry while finishing The Tourist. I still found it to be strange. It seemed like a chick flick that wanted to be a spy movie that wanted to be grand. There were definitely fun moments, and I couldn't take my eyes away from Angelina Jolie, but all in all it was lacking depth.

I finished my laundry folding with Secretariat. Now, this, THIS movie was beautiful. It left me wanting to be fearless, which seems a long away right now.

I did start reading Hind's Feet in High Places a couple days ago, and am hoping that this will call me away from fear. I know that fear is what holds me in a thick place a lot of the time. I want to move forward with boldness and passion. I want to find something that I want to take a hold of and not let go. That nothing could shake me from it would be a wonderful feeling, and would lead to a fulfilling life.

Googly, googly.

P.S. I did not eat waffles all day. I started the day with strawberry Greek yogurt, and have not felt like I was lagging. :)

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I miss coffee.

I find that the joy of NOT having coffee wore off shortly after my last blog. I had some yesterday and the day before that. I think that one of the reasons why I am so tired is because of my diet. I am eating waffles every morning for breakfast. They are delicious, and I hate to give that up, but it seems to be necessary if I am going to live a non-jittery, awake life. Plus, energy is required to do the things I listed in my previous blog.

No coffee. More fruits, veggies, and good dairy. Less carbs and meats.

Peanut butter sandwiches will always make the cut, as well as decaf coffee.

I'm excited to see this commercial.