Friday, July 30, 2010
I am free from selfish motives.
I am free from anger and bitterness.
I am free from the spirit of control.
I am free from self-pity.
How did this happen? #1 FORGIVENESS!
I forgave others and I forgave myself. I allowed God to empower me to make the change by letting go of everything. By letting go I was freed.
My mind was cleared out and afterward I was freaked out by how silent my thoughts were. There was no more worry or fear of the future. Judgments I had put on myself that were not from God were gone...I did not know what to do.
God pointed out who and what the devil was using to get his hands on me so he could control me. So after I was free from these things, I realized why my mind was so quiet. It was because I did not feel the need to do anything! All feelings of obligation were gone, all false burdens and judgments, even accusations were no where to be found. I also found myself unable to feel sorry for myself for any reason.
I did not know what to do because these things had always been taking charge of my mind and making me feel like I always had to be doing SOMETHING!
There was (is) so much peace that it freaked me out. I immediately got jittery and wanted to do something but, God would not allow it. I was only supposed to continue receiving the deliverance He was ministering to me. I stayed in the same place for about 5 hours. It. Was. Intense.
It has made today to be very interesting because I am so used to worrying about things, judging people, getting angry and bitter, manipulating out of my selfish motives, being manipulated by the spirit of control. My whole life has been made quiet. It is awesome.
Oh who would have ever known this
Could be this easy?
I was a long, long way off
Then just like that it's over
Everything I knew of love
I was a long, long way off
And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song
Thank you for opening the window
The sky is clear as my mind is now
I was a long, long way off
Join me in welcoming the sun in
It's much brighter than the night I hid in
I was a long, long way off
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
"cause life's not life, no, life's not life without someone like you to walk around this city when autumn's air is cool and paper thin. we've crawled this far to creep a little more but, if you stay away i'm sure it'll be okay (at least that's what I'm supposed to say). should absence be the only point we share to hinge our lives i'll wonder where you are, what life's been like, when i'm wrinkled and my hair is white. if time should waste itself till we're 94 and you find yourself knocking on my door, i swear i'll greet you with a smile. but i'd rather...i'd rather it not unfold that way."
I have said it and I will say it again. I refuse to run away.
I have never been on a Spoken kick. I always noticed they were anointed in passing and never took it further till now. Here is yesterday's song on repeat.
we were side by side for so long,
somehow we lost our way
when will we meet again?
i'm praying for someday,
i remember walking beside you,
i remember how you sang,
of your fathers love forever, am i to blame?
did i lead you wrong?
did i lead you astray?
was i wrong?
am i to blame?
Monday, July 26, 2010
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, please, don't let me do that ever again. I believe it needed to happen though, so I could see for myself what was going down, deep inside of me.
Jenny, let yourself be crazy and free. Let yourself be different. Let yourself be me, or you...Let Jesus shine through you. When I act like that, I'm holding Jesus back. I'm holding Him deep inside. I'm hiding Him away from others, from myself. I'm so sorry.
When I realized what I had been doing I remembered a blog I wrote in February 2008. I had just been through a LONG (it felt long anyway) season of allowing myself to settle for less than I craved. Here is what I wrote. It is just as true today if now more so.
"So, I have decided that no matter what, I want to act weird and crazy. I want to be fat and ugly...pregnant and dressed poorly. Standing out among thousands and offensive in so many ways. Never fitting in and being set aside time after time. Never agreeing and constantly being blamed for everything. Being stared at and being judged wrongly. Never being seen at all perhaps and being ignored forever and ever. Spoken unkindly to and cursed in so many ways (but they can never stick). Constantly misunderstood and hopelessly awkward. Standing in an empty field in the middle of a storm. I have decided this because in all these ways, doing all of these things, just being completely incomplete, being me...in all these ways I have You. I keep You here with me...and You in turn keep me."
I will hold myself back no more. I'm refusing to settle. Doing so is being disobedient, it is holding Jesus back in my life. I feel like I cheated on Jesus with this other life I was suddenly thinking about living. That life would have been SO different than living life with Him FULLY!
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
I feel like I'm waking up from a deep sleep of sorts.
It's like the devil tries to control me, to put in a box. And he does it so discretely! He comes at me sideways, pats my back, offers a compliment. Smiles and then WHAM! He has me fooled and I am basking in what I think is something better than I have with Jesus, because I actually think it is Jesus. But do you know what came with this? Confusion. Confusion is not of God. So if you find yourself confused about something...stop and ask God about it.
current song on repeat. my love for sad songs runs DEEP.
I close my eyes for a while
And force from the world a patient smile
But I gave you all
But you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won
Friday, July 23, 2010
Why am I so serious right now? I don't get it. I don't like it. It's not supposed to be like this. I am a bubbly, overflowing person. Sometimes though, I do not feel the freedom to just be me. Not cool. I need to get away for a little while I think...or would that be running away? I'm not supposed to run away. I need to get out of this weird cycle I have fallen into this past week. I'm pretty darn tired of it. I feel really unpredictable. And no, this is not PMS.
I think I am worried about something...yep.
I am worried that time is going to pass by, and when it is over I will have found that I did not spend it like I wanted to. Too often, I look back and realized that I wasted time with certain people who were just sucking me dry, while the true friends sat on the wayside. I look back and want to relive yesterday.
I can't allow myself to look back anymore. Learn your lesson, Jenny, and move on. Get out of this funk, and get rid of the junk.
I miss Joy. The kind that starts from the very core of you and pours out of your pores because you can't contain it even when you are still.
Jesus loves me, what more do I need? Oh shoot, I just realized that I am afraid. I'm afraid of missing life because I'll make a mistake if I get all joyful and not analyze everything. WRONG! There is a difference between being sober in spirit and worrying. Jesus wants to use me just by letting me be me and living through me. Jesus is right here with me even now, and He wants to love me and get me to let myself go. BE UNAFRAID, JENNY! Be raw, be real, be free.
And I will not let myself live life alone anymore. Being obedient means taking God's advice, right? Right. I need to let my friends love me and spend time with me and give them a chance to love me even when it isn't fun to be with me. hee hee.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I will not become bitter. I will embrace joy.
I will not let my surroundings influence me or my actions.
I have realized that my feelings have nothing to do with the truth most of the time. I will remember this.
I won't take on the offense of another. I will keep my boundaries drawn.
I will not be afraid to receive love.
I will not be afraid to give love.
I will not let any judgments from others affect the truth of who I am.
I will not run away. I refuse.
Don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true
You're alright, you're alright,
I know the truth. God loves to love me through His children. But here is what I am realizing, do I love to love them? Do I, myself, have selfish motives when I am around these people? I've realized I do, most of the time. So we're working on that. I want a pure heart that does not seek to take as much as it gives.
I've been on this huge Relient K kick lately.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
It is the pits but, I would rather realize that I'm hurt and set boundaries than not.
I think one of the reasons why it takes me so long to realize that I'm being hurt is because I hate thinking bad of others. Being judgmental is wrong but, sometimes it's just a fact that someone is bad for you.
I'm in wisdom training for sure. God has been showing me who I can trust and who I can't. Some people just want to use you and suck you dry. It's an awful truth. I've been reading Proverbs lately, and it speaks of these people repeatedly.
But then God shows you that they aren't good for you, you set boundaries, and then...FREEDOM and HEALING!
I've worked for so long just to see you mess around
What you've done, what you've done, what you've done
I want back the years that you took when I was young
I was young, I was young, but it's done
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I have left behind all other distractions, and want to hold onto THIS MOMENT. Oh my Jesus. Don't let me hold back any more of Your love for as long as I live. I need You so much closer than this, I realize that now. I am in a dry and weary land, where there is no water. And I haven't even come close to realizing what it means to be drenched and saturated by Your love. But I'm closer than I was.
Monday, July 12, 2010
What do I want to do with my life again? hm?
Jesus told me yesterday that the question was not what I SHOULD do but what I WANT to do. He said that my true desires are much greater than I realize right now. They are also not coming to mind...I've been drawing a complete blank for the past year.
I watched Stranger Than Fiction with my brother, Jon, yesterday. Dude, we loved it! One of the characters is named Ana, and her story really made me start thinking.
Ever since 2010 rolled around, I've been hearing DESTINY in almost every prophetic word I've gotten. Caleb saw the word written on my forehead this past weekend. Last night, I was at the brothers' house (a few of my guy friends all live in the same house), and they suddenly start saying "You have a purpose, Jenny. You have a destiny", randomly, not even knowing they are reading my mail for the day. And this was after my conversation with Jesus, which I had in the car on the way home from watching Stranger Than Fiction with Jon.
Jesus is still setting me up, everyday, to keep my thinking about this. Honestly, Jesus, I can't figure out what I want to do or what is going to make me happy. So I'll just sit at Your feet till I do.
You know, I'm wondering if the problem is my dreams are so big I don't think I can accomplish them. I'm going to sit on that for a while.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
It's good to know that I'm a happy person, or else we'd have to do something about my love for sad music.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
How many blogs have I written about this? Hm?
I don't want to be a Martha, I want to be a Mary. Let us see if I will have to learn this once again ;-)
It's like I forget about coffee time. I forget that all I need to do is abide, and if I'm supposed to do something, Jesus will let me know.
Even though Caleb reminded me of this a few days ago, I just finally entered into this realization last night. I suddenly felt myself relax and trust a little more. Trust, Faith... these are the things I need to work on during this season of my life. I am supposed to stop being so active in His presence for the time being and realize that He really is taking care of me. That His words are true and real in my life. Do you know that I have the hardest time believing that He already has everything taken care of? I do. THIS is what I'm supposed to learn during my times with Him right now. If I don't have a strong faith in what He is doing in my life and is going to do, then I won't be able to enter into it when the time comes.
Been listening to some old Lifehouse during my soaking times. Been rocking my world!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Yesterday, I was at a big leadership meeting about future plans. Most of what they were talking about did not concern me directly, so my mind would wander. I started thinking about my conversations with the girls in the program, and wondering if any of my words were impacting them. The thought came that I was probably talking TOO much, just to fill up space. Suddenly, God decided to interrupt my line of thinking.
He said, "Do you remember those radio programs and movies we've listened to and watched, and what your favorite part in those shows was?"
I immediately thought of the random, wise character that had a very tiny role in whatever story was unfolding. Then, something bad would happen, or the hero would hit a wall. This wise and humble character would then maybe say one or two lines, and they would be the most profound statements in the entire movie. The hero's life would be changed when he understood the meaning behind this character's few words of wisdom.
God then said, "You could be THAT guy!"
I thought, "Man, I would LOVE to be that guy!"
I knew that God was reminding me to just simply abide with the Holy Spirit, and keep my mouth shut so that way I wasn't speaking out of my flesh. And whenever the time is RIGHT, the perfect words would be dropped into my spirit.
Abiding. Getting Closer and Closer to God.
...I see where this is going. ;-)
My feet felt light for the first time in months
It was like You came walking across the room
Straight at me and then straight through me
And then stopped and stood still for awhile
I knew then that I'd been lonely for quite some time
And as we started to dance, You gently took off my tear-soaked coat
And let it fall heavy to the floor and then
We danced some more
When all is said and done
When all is gone and still just begun
I will be asked what I did with my time and why
Can You be my alibi
Cause I know I spent it dancing with You
I have been here before
These emotions are relived
It's like a joy déjà vu
You have been walking along
With me for quite some time
But me with my deaf ear and my blind sides
Both of these I turned against You
We all know that You're there
We all know
~ "My Alibi" Blindside
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I was telling my friend, Caleb, yesterday about my spiritual boredom. He informed me that my contending has gotten warped to where I was focused on the new thing instead of God. He was so right, and it was a little hard to hear.
I spent roughly 5 hours driving yesterday, so I had lots of time to talk to God about this. He told me that I had really hurt him the last few days, because I wast treating Him like He wasn't enough. Spending time with Him is ALWAYS enough, more than enough. He said, "Come closer and closer."
How did I forget that focusing on Jesus and getting closer to Him is how every new thing comes about? Hmm? I don't know. Crazy Jenny Ray. Calm down and take a chill pill.
With a longing heart you turn the tides and say goodbye
With a love that always fades
You hold on so tight, hold back the tears
Legacy that strays so strong is pulling at your heart
All the castles that you made are falling apart
Love is waiting here
Come back, in these places
In these places this is all that you need when you want to come back
Blowing in the wind a taste of something tragically
Comes to find you when you fall and when you're in need
See beneath the skin
Always waiting is a love that moves
Your pains away
Always waiting will embrace and wash tears away
Places where this begins
You make believe that the world is never going to mount you
(this place is safe)
That your love is always going to stay true
What do you see when you fall asleep
(Jesus in longing)
That you will want the blood His hands can bleed
~ "The Gathering" Falling Up
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I went for a walk today in the woods. It was short, and very sweet. If I hadn't been on my way to something, I would have stayed much longer. I did have time to stop and watch a butterfly, and as I watched, I found myself surrounded by birds. Mostly screeching, baby titmice, with the occasional towhee. But still, I really miss Nature. We used to be really close.
I am so busy now that I believe I'm finally realizing what is most important to me. I say no a lot now, because I want to say yes to the things I really want to do during my short spare time. Like blogging, apparently... ;-) Speaking of which, I got sidetracked while writing this blog and have been scanning an old blog...whoa. I'm going to be posting some of that stuff on here soon.
Nature, I'll be seeing you soon.
Let me out from this house, I want the wind in my hair.
The nearness to a window is no longer a sufficient sun.
I'm sick of this vase telling me how deep my roots can reach.
It only gives me as much as it can hold for me to drink.
"to be passionate. to see everything through to the end. to never quit just because it gets too hard. to know what you have to do. to then do what you have to do. to have God tell you that if you don't do it, no one else will. to let your own guards down and let God be your only protection. to live your life walking towards God. And even though He has a gun in His hand, you keep on walking, trusting that He is only going to kill the things that are getting in between both of you. you keep walking even when most of those things end up being parts of you. you keep walking, knowing God loves you and always will. you keep walking, and forget the world's warning that this would happen. that God was going to be walking towards you with a gun in His hand. that He was going to try to kill you. because you know that God wants to make you dead to the world. and as you walk towards Him, you let Him."
Monday, July 5, 2010
Jon and I are in the middle, and we have definitely held onto each other and not taken the other for granted. When it got rough or tense in our family, we could goof off together. Laughter was used as therapy. I was playing a scene in my head today over and over.
Years back, we are both sitting in the back of our parent's car on the driveway of a family member's house. Our parents are inside, trying to help this family member. The situation was amazingly tense and stressful, and had been going on for years.
Jon and I were being quiet, listening to the car radio, which had been left on for us. It was playing oldies, and Jack and Diane by John Mellencamp started playing. The tune was catchy, and Jon is a huge fan of classic hits.
It was dusk. Tired from the long, exhausting day, and feeling rather punchy, we both start bobbin to the beat. Then, with a silent understanding that this moment is bigger and more important than this whole day has been, we spontaneously create a silly dance to this song.
Little did we know then that we were making history, our own history. That moment was not only bigger than that day, is was bigger than that whole, long season of our lives. It was then that Jon and I decided to have a good day, no matter what was going on around us.
Our parents soon got in the car tired and sad, and who could blame them.
On the other hand, Jon and I had experienced a shift in our moods. We had found joy in loving each other, and I can not think of a lot of happier moments, despite the stress of that day.
I realized that I have been spiritually bored for a while now. So I said, "Yes, I am bored. I love You, but I know that You have more to give me, and I want that now, because I know that it is there! I have been bored and complacent for the past week, and am no longer satisfied with this state of being. What should I do?"
I immediately remembered an email my friend Sergio sent me in March. Here is an excerpt.
"But I'm so hungry for intimacy with Him, Jenny, I don't wanna just be living in the same city with Him but I want to be right there in the chambers of the King. And like The Final Quest, I want to be as close as I can be! It actually talks about the thrones in Job 36:5-12 'He has seated them forever.' ...Jamie Pridgen from IHOP-Atlanta was telling a story of how there was a man who had a dream he was in the woods and saw a chariot of fire come to him in the woods, an angel came to him and told him to get in. The chariot took him across a blue sapphire sea where there was blue sand in every direction for as far as you could see. he got out of the chariot and Jesus appeared to him. "This is the sea of the knowledge of God." He explained. "Every grand of sand is an aspect of who I am." He knelt down to scoop up a hand full of sand in His hand. "This is all I've given for the sons of men to know in this age." He opens His other hand and there is only one grain of sand. "...And this is all the church has been staring at for the past two thousand years." And Jenny it's stuff like that that just stirs me to seek and run after the knowledge of God, the invite to know Him more and more deeper!"
Driving in the car, I knew that the new thing that God wants to release on me, on us, is something I should CONTEND for. I was tired of staring at this one grain of sand, especially knowing that this is not what God intended. And I also had this feeling that waking up really early had something to do with this contending, but I didn't know what. I felt like God wanted me to turn on the radio, and the song playing was saying "you're a new morning" over and over.
I didn't want to go home, so I drove to the next town, not really knowing why. I thought I was going to Chili's to eat good food and have a long talk with God. But God said, "You should talk to Moshe about what you're feeling. He'll understand and he is a 'die hard'."
I was hungry and stubborn though, so I went ahead to Chili's. After standing there for 5 minutes, and not one of their waiters coming to seat me, I was getting ticked. God said, "You are supposed to be talking to Moshe."
Moshe was in this town, and after I shared my feelings of boredom and hunger for something completely new and different from God, he confessed to having the same feelings. After we talked and prayed, he had an idea. His idea was to wake up the next day really early and go watch the sunrise. Thinking about my thoughts in the car about waking up early, I agreed. We were going to greet the new day as well as whatever the new thing was that God has for us.
It was awesome, I have never purposely sat and watched a sunrise before, and I was in awe at the wonder of it. I now want to greet every day this way.
And for now, this story ends here, because I'm still contending...if you feel like you are left hanging, you are not alone. I feel the same.
Come my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!
For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!
O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!
Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!
All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!
We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!
- from Pioneers! O Pioneers! by Walt Whitman
KEEP CALLING YOUR FUTURE IN!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I have cast aside my selfish expectations for the future, realizing that the future, not to mention the present is ALL about Jesus. I didn't really realize that my expectations were selfish, but then I realized that I was making it all about me. I could delve into it a lot more, but I believe that this is something that requires a divine personal revelation. It's something that I've heard all my life, I even sang that song in church "It's all about Jesus, it's all about Jesus..." over and over. But it was just head knowledge, and never transferred to the heart.
I actually believe that goes for everything. That everything we learn needs to be learned over again in a personal way so that it gets planted and firmly rooted in our heart. Or maybe it was planted but just hadn't started growing yet until we had the revelation.
Anyway, personal revelations are hard. They have required me to die to my flesh over and over again. It usually starts with me being hurt or upset about something, maybe disappointed with God even. So I finally cry out and am honest about how I feel. And then WHAM! God hits me over the top of the head and knocks what is in there down into my spirit. And I realize how wrong I've been and grab onto this new wisdom like it's a rope hanging from a helicopter hovering over a sea of sharks.
So I'm learning, always learning. Always growing. Always dying. Always living.
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,