Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dream a little dream

I used to think I knew what busy was until I moved out. NOW I know. Wish I was getting paid to stay this busy...being an intern can be the pits.

Anywho, guess what God started showing me! How important dreaming is, and how it is linked to ambition and...the motivation to get out of bed every morning.

I'm not talking about sleep dreaming, or daydreaming, I'm talking about those dreams that spur you forward.

I had not been thinking about dreams for over a year, or maybe longer. Last night though, God was talking to me through that book I told you all about before "Soul Cravings". I'm in the Destiny section.

I'm reading along, minding my own business, when BAM, God whacks me over the side of my spirit with this fact: I need to dream.

I started thinking about the conversations I'd been having that day. My friend, Josiah, is SUPER excited because his dream of having a program to teach kids about Christ has come true at the young age of 22. He worked really hard, has the ambition and drive to fulfill his vision, and now it is happening.

Another friend, Moshe, was telling me how he wants to be a farmer. He started bee hiving (or whatever you're supposed to call that) and sees that as the beginning. I agreed. But I was just sitting there, enjoying his successes, being encouraging, not thinking that God was trying to ENCOURAGE ME to do the same. Not become a farmer, but to dream.

Thinking about these conversations, and now reading this book, I was starting to think that God had been setting me up. Then I knew it.

I had also just picked up my flute for the first time in years the night before, and had started learning how to play the piano that day. And to top it all off, I had also given myself a ballet class earlier that evening (I used to be pretty good, but hadn't done anything with it in several years). I did ballet that night because I had this incredible urge to feel STRONG again. I thought that I would be awful, but was surprised by how powerful my body still felt. I grasped onto something that was always out of my reach when I used to dance every day all day. That I was more capable of great things than I realized if I just stopped being afraid of being great. Of being diligent.

It's something that not one of my ballet teachers ever taught me, all except one. I don't think that it is a coincidence that this teacher was my only male ballet teacher. All of my female ballet teachers fostered a controlling, competitive spirit (I think it's because of our obsession with our body image and how we let it control what we believe about ourselves). This guy, Peter, did not even care about any of that. He would constantly be giving us speeches on what dance was about, connecting with a movement in such a way that you BECOME that movement...or that movement becomes you and what you are feeling in that moment. But his words would fall on dense, insecure ears.

But now I suddenly got it, last night. By myself, with no mirrors and with only the feeling of my own muscles guiding me, I not only knew EXACTLY what he was talking about, I felt it. I became it.

So I sat there and let the words in this book get absorbed into my spirit. I used to have many, many dreams. And now...I'm not really sure what I want. I'm excited to find out.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

No Justice

God told me to watch Shutter Island. It is a mystery/psychological thriller type movie. I've watched it now two days in a row, yesterday and today, and plan to watch it again tomorrow. I don't want to give anything away, so I'm going to reveal no details, but I am going to reveal my thought after I watched it the first time. I don't think it will spoil the movie for any of you.

The movie was over, and I was sitting frozen, shocked. I said, "God, there was no justice."

He responded, "Exactly."

I went from shock to grief, because I knew that God was saying that this is mostly the case. There is usually no true justice on this earth, and probably won't truly be until Jesus returns.

A hard truth, the way this bitter earth functions.

This bitter earth 
Well, what fruit it bears
What good is love
Mmm, that no one shares

And if my life is like the dust
That hides the glow of a rose
What good am I
Heaven only knows

Lord, this bitter earth
Yes, can be so cold
Today you're young
Too soon, you're old

But while a voice within me cries
I'm sure Someone may answer my call
And this bitter earth
Ooh, may not be so bitter after all

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Even now your eyes are courting sleep
I'll stay by your side as I have always been
Sleep tonight, may your dreams reveal My love for you
Beyond what I must do, do you know My plans for you?

The hardest part of letting go
Is trusting You with everything
In laying bare my soul is truly seeing who I really am

~from Acquiesce by Stavesacre

Running fast

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father!
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers!
Leave all your loving, your loving behind,
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

My packing is pretty much done.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Hostile Environments

I'm packing officially, because I'm moving out, officially, this week.

I learned something pretty big last night, so I thought I would share.

God told me a few months ago that I crave hostile environments. This is true, I personally crave hostile environments, as long as God has given me the grace to be there. These environments strengthen me and push me closer to God. I wasn't sure though how this actually works in the spiritual realm, until a lady prophesied over me a couple months ago. She said that I am a desert rose, and the thing about desert roses is that their roots go deep. So she told me that I am to not worry about my dry surroundings, but let these surroundings push me closer towards God, and go deeper and deeper. I'm to have strong roots that run deep.

But the thing about hostile environments is that I face judgment and rejection a lot, ironically from Christians. I was soaking with God a couple days ago, and confessed that I did not know how I was going to stand up against any more judgments from Christians who did not understand me or our relationship. God said, "You must always wear the breastplate of righteousness, and that will completely thwart all darts the enemy throws your way." I immediately felt this huge release in my spirit.

Then last night, I was dancing at IHOP (prayer, not pancakes). I entered into a whole lot of warfare and birthing dancing. The room was full of people, and I could feel some not understanding what the heck I was doing. I felt frustrated, and then God said, "Jenny, who are you going to believe? Them or Me?"

I immediately started laughing as relief burst through my frame. DUH! I was going to believe God and what He said of me, not anyone else.

Not saying these Christians don't believe God, or listen to His voice. But I dance like a freakin maniac sometimes. And everyone has different levels of discernment and wisdom, because everyone is on their own personal journey to get closer and closer to Jesus. I just can't let their journeys hinder mine.

I have also realized that no matter what the age and wisdom of a person, they are still human, and I must take everything everyone says before God. No matter how trusted their counsel has been.

current song on repeat.

"They should deliver all my blessings in small brown paper bags near the porch.
I wished I'd known that you were bleeding while I sat

and watched you reading with the lord.

I read with him, too.

When you look at me, I'll be digesting your legs,
because I can hardly see what is in front of me these days,
and those days too."

I should get back to packing. I am very happy to be entering this new season, even if it means leaving my family. I have to enter into what God has for me and "Say goodbye to my father, my mother, say goodbye to every other lover and press on. Press on."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Trapdoors

I had this dream last Sunday morning.

In the dream, I was with a group of friends in a grocery store. I had left them to get what I needed. I was continually distracted though by these open trapdoors in the floor of the store. They were spaced out around the store.

I did not notice them at first. But when I did, I walked over to one and looked down to see through it. I was shocked by what I saw. It looked like a basement, but I knew it was not a basement, just empty, useless space below the building. I knew that the space should have been filled in to provide a solid foundation. I looked again to see what was supporting the store. I saw that the trapdoor opened to a square tower of white bricks that were meant to support the building. I knew that there were brick towers under every trapdoor. The bricks were not cemented together, and as I watched they started sliding and falling to the floor below. The sight scared me, and I wondered how the building was even standing since it had no solid foundation, and the foundation that it did have was built foolishly and now falling apart. "Whose idea was this?!?" I thought.

I walked away from the door, and tried to find what I needed. I was immediately drawn though to another trapdoor. I looked through this one, and saw that the bricks were falling even rapidly now, even though it had only been a few seconds. I watched as more than half the tower fell over. I'm not sure how long this took, I seemed to be watching it fall in slow motion.

I saw that some store employees seemed aware of the problem, but were just wandering around in confusion and not sure how to fix the problem. They were easily distracted. I wondered how the employees felt safe working here, but knew that they were used to the thought of being on a shaky foundation. Since the building hadn't shown any signs above the foundation that it would collapse, they didn't seem to think it would happen any time soon, if at all. I felt though that it could fall at any moment, and began to feel frantic. At the same time though, the employees' calm, wandering manner would keep my frantic feelings from escalating, and they would go away. If the employees weren't freaking out, why should I? But then I would realize once again that the employees were idiots, and would feel frantic again. Then the cycle would repeat and I would calm down again. It was very confusing.

A friend came up to me and said something. I was so entranced by the trapdoors though, and tried to get my friend to understand that the store shouldn't even be standing, that it was a miracle it was still here. My friend did not seem to hear a word I said, and walked away.

I really wanted to get my friends and leave the store, but could not stop staring through the trapdoors and watching the employees' actions.

I believe the store represents a large majority of the church. The foundation of the church today, of the people in the churches, does not appear to be solid. We do not understand that God has made us righteous and holy upon receiving Jesus as our Savior. We think that we are still bad, or the we need to be doing "works" to be a Christian. The relationship between man and God through the Holy Spirit seems to be left out of the church's teachings. Jesus died because we CAN'T enter heaven through works. It's impossible to be righteous and holy without His forgiveness.

The church still has a store though, despite having a shabby foundation. And in this store, we are supposed to find everything we need and want, even though it could all fall on us in a split second.

Impersonalizing God

So today I was in the car, enjoying some worship music (Sergio's music actually, he is a talented and anointed friend of mine). I was checking out my insides, seeing how I felt spiritually. I realized that although I could feel the Holy Spirit, I still felt like I wasn't prioritizing enough with my time, and that I needed to press in more and do all of this stuff. This was strange, because for the past couple of days, despite being busy, I had been hearing God so clearly, receiving revelation about many things.

I told God this, and asked Him what I was doing wrong where I would feel like this, like I was doing EVERYTHING wrong and that I was being unfaithful to God. God said, "You have impersonalized me." And then I got the download.

I watched a movie with my family last night, "Oh, God!". It's from the 70s, and has John Denver (I love John Denver's music SO FREAKIN MUCH! You have no idea. So this was exciting to see him in a movie) playing the main character. John Denver plays a grocery store employee who God decides to visit. When God first shows up, it's just through an intercom system, and His voice sounds like any other human's voice. When John Denver asks God why this is, God says, "I'm relating."

So when God used the word "impersonalize" and I remembered this scene, I realized that I had been setting God way, WAY up high, outside of me and out of reach.

This could not be any further from the truth.

God wants to be my BEST FRIEND, and I have been pushing Him away by not letting Him get personal with me, intimate. I somehow forgot how EASY it is to have a relationship with Jesus. I don't have to raise up to His level, and He doesn't have to come down to mine, and we don't even have to meet half way!

"And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that ye put on the new man, which, after God, is created in righteousness and true holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24

He has made me righteous and holy, and has raised me up to be on His level.

Do you realize how terrible it was to have forgotten this?!? I look back now and see when it happened. It started when I thought that being close to God = praying for people for healing, prophesying, worshiping, dancing, fasting...not true at all. These things are good, but not when we believe that doing these things brings us relationship with God, when it is actually the exact opposite. Relationship with God births these things.

I realized this past Saturday night that God is a stranger to me. He knows me inside and out, sure. But what do I know about God and how He feels about things? What are His opinions, was His day?

Then I realized that God HAD been communicating His feelings to me. I have been having these dreams, especially for the past year, that aren't about me, and not necessarily about friends or family. And God has also been just talking to me about the church, random people...lots of stuff. But it was freaking me out, especially the dreams, because I didn't understand why I NEEDED to know that stuff. But now I realize, that was just God letting me know what is going on with Him. He wants to share these things with me because we're friends. I was totally making our relationship all about me. If what He was telling me didn't have something to do with MY life, directly, I saw no point in knowing.