Thursday, November 5, 2009

Stacks and Stacks

So I have these stacks and stacks of journals. At least, that is what it felt like last night when I was sifting through them. They're my letters to God, recordings of dreams, doodles...

I was looking for a certain dream. But I ended up finding my journal from last year. I wrote through the whole thing in just a few months. I didn't even recognize the cover when I picked it up, so I opened it. I found extremely detailed descriptions of my life then. I read dreams that I had forgotten, lived through days that seemed to impact me a big way when I wrote them, I was pouring my heart out. I shared EVERY SINGLE THING, EVERY SINGLE PART of my life with God then. Even things that I am ashamed to look back on because they seem SO incredibly stupid. But I still shared them. I still opened up and let God into every single part, search me out and fix everything broken or wounded.

I looked through other journals. Some pretty thick ones I completed in less than 4 months. My current one...I've had it since last year. I think this is the longest I have ever taken in completing a journal.

Why do I feel like I'm constantly turning God away? Well, probably because I'm certainly not welcoming Him towards me.

Those stacks and stacks of journals, they reminded me of a time when God was my bestfriend. He was the one I turned to constantly. And I am sensing myself wanting to turn to others before I turn to Him more and more these days. Especially this past week. And that scares me more than ANYTHING. It's what happens in some of my dreams, I lose Him. I refuse to ever do that.

So, God, I want that back. I miss us, I want us, and I NEED us. Because what I saw in every single journal entry was clarity. I started off confused and not sure, but by the end of an entry, You had spoken and cleared up everything for me.

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