Friday, May 13, 2011

Friendship is halfway between you and me.

I am learning to communicate. I am learning to not overreact. I am learning to be assertive instead of passive aggressive. Confrontation can be avoided if I let myself be heard now before things get worse.

In the past, I have not done the opposite. I have then confronted, or avoided, or made a different excuse to not talk at all. Mostly all three.

Seeing how this is ridiculous and immature, as well as not wise, I have reached out and made contact. Friendships are being repaired, or being made stronger, or beginning, or ending. When they have had to end, I breathe I sigh of relief. I know that because I communicated and took it slow that I did all I could do. It is then out of my control.

It is when I am lonely when I realize what I want. It is when I am lonely when I let myself be vulnerable and honest. I am unsure how some of the steps I have taken are going to go, but I have to do my part at least. I have to let myself be heard. I have to let myself have worth.

I have to know that my friendship is worth having. One night a month or two ago, I asked if my thoughts on friendship were too lofty. Was I raising the bar too high for others to reach?

God then said, "Actually, you should expect more."

I didn't understand what He meant until...yes...I believe until right now. This is because I had not allowed myself to expect more from ME. I was not allowing myself to try to make the effort at establishing strong friendships. Now that I am, I see the difference in where I was then, and how I thought about relationships. It is all about risk. It is all about honesty. It is all about taking it slow and not jumping in too fast before you know someone. I can say that almost every friendship that was instantaneous ended up being unhealthy. People who latch on so quick aren't always the best at having boundaries or respecting yours.

Relationships take work. If I can't get friendship down, how am I going to take the next step?

I'm ready to break free from my traditions of isolation. I'm ready to speak, growing in the belief that I am worth being heard and understood.

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