Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Not Forgetting Anymore

"You're on your own now, dressed in armour. If you run faster you'll forget." ~ Falling Up

This has been my secret motto for the past couple months.

I got sick last Thursday and still am. After praying and nothing permanently changing, I asked God why this was. His response made my heart sink and my mind squirm. "Your spirit is crying tears of grief and is tired."

I had no idea what emotions I had forced down or what my subconscious was now hiding from me. I didn't have to wonder long because the answer came in a dream/vision. I had it on Sunday. I was in my bed when I woke up. I went to visit my family and was looking at my old room. They wanted me to move back in. I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to move back in. I felt safe here. I was grieved by my feelings and confused. I went back to where I live now, my aunt's. I stood by my bed and looked around my room. I started crying because I knew that God had put me here but I wanted to be back with my family. I still called them home.

Don't be surprised when I tell you that when I wrote this dream down I did not make the connection to my sickness.

When I talked to Jesus about my dream, I told Him that I wanted to be in my house in heaven. I had a vision of it before and asked to go back. He granted my request. But I did not feel at home there either so I ran out the door where Jesus was waiting to lock up. He locked the door behind me. He said, "Jenny, you aren't supposed to live here now. This is not your home yet." I asked, "Where do I live then? Where is my home?"

Jesus reached out and put my hand on His heart. He said, "Here. This is your home. Your home is with me. I'm on earth with you."

I got it. sorta. I still though did not make the connection to my sickness.

Yesterday, I once again asked God why I was still sick. He said, "Your spirit is crying and unsettled. It won't settle."

I still had no idea what He was talking about.

Tonight though! Oh! Tonight! I finally got to the edge and jumped off screaming, "What am I upset about?!? Why do I feel this way? Where is this pain coming from?" I thought through the last week, searching for something that I had maybe felt grief over but immediately suppressed.

I found it.

After I moved out, I knew I felt scared but at the same time I was soooo relieved to just be out. The grace to be there was just gone. It was no longer my home.

I had bitterness towards my family though that did not belong. I worked through my feelings and forgave them.

Then last week, when I had that revelation I told you all about that changed EVERYTHING, I was on my own. My most trustworthy, closest friends were out of town. My mother (I really wanted a mother at that moment)...well, God told me not to seek comfort from her. I was not to seek comfort from ANYONE but Him this time.

But thinking tonight about last week, when all that went down, I realized something, for the first time it really hit me. I had left my home and I do not feel at home where I am now. As soon as I left, I was thrown into an intense internship as well as school. Hence the "If you run faster you'll forget". I even buried myself in ministry for a little while. And now I spend every spare minute at IHOP because that is where I feel the closest to Jesus right now. I hate being in my bed because it does not soothe me and pull me into slumber.

I realized that it was never going to go back to the way it was before the grace at my family's home went away. And even the way it was wasn't what I wanted but I felt safe there. I am not used to this way of living.

After I realized this tonight, Jesus asked me to be honest with Him verbally. This is what I said.

"I realize now that I'm not with Mom."
"I'm not with Dad."
"I'm not with my family."
"I'm not with my friends."
"I'm not with demons."
"I'm not with my aunt or my uncle."
"I'm with You and You alone."
"But I want more!"
"NO! I don't mean that. Forgive me. You are always more than enough. But I'm used to having more."

I was done. I was spent. God spoke.

"I'm unlocking the gate in your heart."

A huge spasm went through my body and I drew up like a fist. The gate where I had shut all of these feelings was opened. And as quickly as the tension came, it released. I let out a huge breathe and my spirit let out a sigh of exhaustion. God kept talking.

"I am always enough, more than enough, yes. And now I want to give you that more! Don't be afraid to ask for more. There is always more of Me for you, Jenny. Ask and you shall receive."

Oh my goodness. So sincere, so good, so true.

I'm still letting myself grieve now over the change I've been through this year instead of suppressing it. It's going to take a little while longer and that is okay. I'm not suppressing it, I'm dealing with it with Jesus. I'm also going to keep learning what Jesus being my home means until it is fully absorbed in my spirit. And I have the promise that Jesus is going to be giving me more and more and more of HIM!!!!!!!!! That is all I want. All I need.

Besides being sick and realizing why, I have had a fantastic week! Jesus is downloading things to me constantly and I know I will be blogging them soon. Maybe I'll even throw a dream your way...that has not happened in a while.

Love Jesus, love yourself, love each other. Love love itself (hint: Jesus again lol).

And I'll miss you like you're dead
find a way to grieve you
cause I need to try and start again
and your ghost will have to leave
like a child would his mother
or a lover
who has to say goodbye

so this is goodbye


  1. I can relate to this. Not quite to the same degree that you've expierenced, but I can relate.
    It's very encouraging to hear about and see other people going through the same things-ish that I'm going through. Not that I'd wish it on anyone, but that God's bringing us through similar circumstances.
    Thank you for chasing after Him. It's good to know that there're people out there doing that. :)
    God bless. :)

  2. Thank you, brother, for the very encouraging words, again lol. And I'm glad that my words are used to encourage you! Keep holding fast to Jesus through every situation, good or bad.

  3. This makes me want to fall in love with Jesus all over again. He is SO good. Those gentle whispers and reassuring embraces are beautiful. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing your heart. : )

  4. thanks for the sweet words, Abby <3

  5. Oh mannn, Jenny. This spoke to me so much. Though I was feeling better on Saturday when we prayed together, I realized later that any relief that I've found lately has been on the surface. It's been temporary. And whenever I get back to myself, there's a dull pain there that won't leave me, and won't allow me true joy. Anytime that I am verbal about what's going on, acknowledging it, tears accompany my words. I've locked things up so that it has to escape when it possibly can.
    I need that deep touch so much, that freedom. I am so, so glad that you've had such a week! That's beyond incredible. You said something about "what your subconscious was hiding from me" that struck me, because I've wondered lately what blocks mine has placed, what wounds endure there, that haven't yet been touched. I know that there's a lot that was hammered deep into me that needs to be cut away, and I've wondered how to address that. I've felt unsettled and out of place spiritually, and it's been hard for me to connect to God, even in my thought life and how I look at things.
    "I want You and You alone". That's where I need to reach, past the confusion, frustration, and pain of my circumstances. I need to be there so badly. I've had glimpses of living that way, but I know that I haven't had it completely.
    Thank you for being faithful to share these things through your blog! Love you.

  6. I'm glad that your feelings are rising to the surface, Laura. I have yet to cry physically.
    God will have you acknowledge what you need to work through when it is time. You always have Him, He never leaves you or forsakes you, never has, never will. This never changes. So He won't leave you to deal with it alone so don't try to deal with it without Him. Wait on His perfect timing. You may feel out of touch but that is probably actually because you are IN touch. You are recognizing the fact that something is off so your discernment is obviously working.
    He is bringing things up though already so trust that He will bring you completely through it all. Our wounded places are so precious to Him. He longs to soothe them and bring healing to our hearts. I love you!

  7. Yeah, I've thought about that. It's hard to just wait in this place, though I know that His timing is best. You would quote my blog on me, wouldn't you? haha. Hm... yeah, I guess so, about being in touch. That makes sense.
    Yeah... all right. I love you too! I'm going to try and write on my blog more soon, but I don't know when it'll happen.

  8. I've had some fairly intense emotions and feelings the past little while. To the point of making me completely useless in all aspects of life.
    It was only through the power of God Almighty that I've been able to focus on Him. His power and a choice on my part.
    Once I arrived at the place where I could fully rely on Him for EVERYTHING, my life changed completely! Just doing what I know that He wants me to and not doing what I know that He wants me NOT to... I've been blessed beyond all measure and reason. :) If I listed the blessings here, it'd sound like I was making it up. ;) Truly, truth is stranger than fiction! ;):) Peace is not the least of those blessings, and let me tell you, man alive, was I a wreck...
    Stand strong ladies and remember that God loves you more than anyone on this planet ever could. Give Him your all and He'll give back to you SO much more than you could ever dream or imagine! I know this from firsthand experience. Trust me, the Father has got your back. And your front and your heart and the rest of you too. :)
    God bless, I'm praying for you both. :)

  9. I really, truly felt led to write and post that BTW...

  10. I believe you, and I'm glad that you did, T.J. God is so good to encourage us in many different ways. I won't say much, but I will say that hearing how much God's been moving and working in your life is helpful and reassuring.
    Truly, if He didn't have all of me, I'd have fallen apart years ago. =] I'm beginning to feel His goodness again, and it eases my heart.
    Indeed, God bless. Prayer is always appreciated.

  11. I'm glad that this has encouraged you, may there be much more soon.
    I couldn't agree with you more. ;) (In reference to me. :P )
    You're always more than welcome. :)
    As always, I'm praying. :)
    God bless you. :)