Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I feel like I'm supposed to be real with all of you and admit something.
There is this guy who I've been friends with for a while. He has really encouraged me, cherished me, and been a great brother to me. He has not refused to share in any burdens I bring to him.
Last night it hit me how I REALLY feel about this man. I thought I knew what love was until I started experiencing these feelings. When I thought of him, I couldn't believe what a humble and giving person he is. Even when I tell him of my selfish thoughts, he just seems to be delighted that I am talking to him. The thought of disappointing him crushed me. I found myself on the floor crying because I knew that it was impossible for me to be with him or make him happy, because I can't seem to gain control of myself and better myself enough to be anywhere near as patient and caring as he is. "God!" I cried, "How does he DO that? I don't understand how to be that way!"
I actually shuddered and started crying even more when I even thought of entering his life in a romantic way. I would RUIN his life! I could see myself rejecting him and growing restless, because self-sabotaging our relationship would be the only way I could free myself from the guilt of being with someone so wonderful.
"I am a wretch!" I thought as I climbed into bed, hoping sleep would come. It did, but when I awoke the same thoughts were waiting for me. My passion for this man had seemed to build in my sleep, and I started weeping all over.
My love had grown so much that I now thought, "Surely I could stay with him and not sabotage our relationship." I saw us married and imagined him being angry about something (even though I have never seen him angry, but have heard him talk about being angry) and coming to me to talk about it. I suddenly realized that I would not even be upset if he got angry! I would only be rejoicing and smiling in the fact that he was talking to me about his anger and that he wished to share it with me!
My mind was now completely blown with LOVE (who knew that it could wreck one so), and I just lied in bed, not wishing for these precious moments to pass me by quickly. I had received a fresh revelation; for you see, as it turned out, at the end of all that, this man was Jesus.
I had tried to please him and change, but I was failing miserably. And because of this, it is so hard for me to accept the love he so freely gives. I truly did ruin his life, but he knew when he created me that I was going to ruin him. He just decided to make me anyway, because in his wonderful, lofty mind, I am WORTH IT ALL!
When I realized that if this man was ever mad I wouldn't even be upset, I realized how Jesus feels whenever I finally take an angry or selfish thought to him. He does not rejoice in my pain, but he does REJOICE that I am sharing it with him and talking to him. He just wants to love me, and it's up to me to give him the chance.
I pray that you are all wrecked in the same way and that I keep receiving deeper revelations on LOVE!