Friday, January 28, 2011
I can't prove anything.
I wrote this is my journal last Thursday.
"I already feel burned out! But where do I go to get rid of this? How do I receive rest? I run to you. But you are so near. You are not a second hand, you are RIGHT HERE! So why am I not rested? Why do I feel like my soul is crying? I dance, I hear you, I meditate, I learn, I soak, I chill, but I am right now feeling like I am broken. And I know that I am broken, and will remain so, but with you I have strength! With you I am whole! With you I am victorious.
So why do I still sometimes feel like a candle in the wind? I feel everyone is trying to change me.
I feel so far when I'm with them! I will have to soak more. As much as possible. I must seek you with a passion! I must take my chances and look for you everywhere! I know that you are always with me, but still I must make sure to STAY FOCUSED!
Help me not to bury anything. I want to bring every thought to you and your love.
I can't keep myself hidden from you.
I must open to you."
I sat still after this, and Jesus took this opportunity to speak to me VERY clearly. Here is what he said.
"Jenny, you can't prove your love to me. I see your heart and know that you want nothing but me, and that is okay. It is alright to want nothing but me. You have yet to learn the value of doing nothing.
You have been doing everything for so long! You don't have to do everything anymore! Just be with me. You can do nothing. YOU are EVERYTHING to me! Learn the value of doing nothing. Let it go. Let everything go and do nothing. You can't prove your love to me. So don't try. I delight in you."
And I could nothing but weep. And I still weep to this moment as I type this out, because this can NOT be stolen from me! Not by Pharisees! Not by Sadducees! Not by Satan! Not by ANYONE!!!!!!! It is inside me in my core, and I don't care what anyone thinks for the first time. My fear of man is gone and going because I realize that I do not have to prove myself to anyone. Jesus is my judge, and he has judged me to be righteous and holy. He. Sees. My. Heart. And he is faithful to me always.
I am a dwelling place (John 14:23) of the Trinity. I will not be shut down. I will not be blown over. I will stand tall in the knowing of WHO I AM IN CHRIST. They can't stop me. I can't stop me. Performance can't stop me. It's all dust in the wind.