Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"and it seems to me you live your life like a candle in the wind"

I'm about to start a new chapter in my life in a few days. God has asked me to be a watchman on the wall at night. I'm starting a night internship at IHOP in less than a week. It's exciting and frightening, but I'm just happy that Jesus is with me. If I've learned anything in 2010 it's that his heart is my home.

I've been a candle blowing in the wind for the past few months. I feel like I've lost myself in a lot of ways. I know that this is partly because I was disobedient about my sleep schedule and I would lie awake nights wasting time. Some of you will remember that back in July God asked me to stop sabotaging my sleep schedule because it messes with my mood and my time with him. I blew it off until a couple weeks ago when I began to understand the weight of my actions. Although tonight I suddenly find myself awake, but I have got to process this through.

I also refer to myself as a candle because I suddenly found myself becoming religious, striving, and judging others. So much happened in 2010, and I was so busy, that I did not slow down enough to assess myself. I just absorbed most everything that happened and never processed anything with God. Last week I suddenly found that I did not know who I was anymore. I had let the events of the past year control me instead of stepping back to take a good look at what was going on inside of me.

There were people with good intentions who did nothing but mess with my head. There were others with not so pure intentions who also messed with my head. "They crawled out of the woodwork and they whispered into my brain. They put me on a treadmill and they made me change my name." God even warned me REPEATEDLY that I just can not trust certain people, but I hate to think the worst of people. I've learned though that it isn't a sin to recognize someone's selfish motives.

Luckily I have a few more days to just be with God and not worry or over-analyze. I feel and know that God is restoring me and my vision, and that I need to give myself a break. I forgive myself. My foundation is still intact and I still have the joy!

Tomorrow I'll write a more positive blog. It's time to pause and reflect. Positive things have happened, and the negative things only illuminate the positive.

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