Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Anger Management.

I have been getting so mad at customers the past couple weeks! It has really been bugging me. I complain more than I ever did. When I danced, I had to be around some real awful characters a lot, but I never let it bug me like this. I know why too. I talked to God a lot more those days then I have been lately. I was writing in my journal every chance I got.

Last night I finally pulled out my journal and cried and cried. I felt so far from who I really am. I had become bitter and angry. I told God that he was just going to have to give me his thoughts, because mine weren't working.

So I opened my Bible. I found myself in 1 Thessalonians 5 while looking for a different verse. But that chapter was what I needed.

Verse 8. "But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation."

This is about when I started crying again, because I have not felt a lot of love guarding my heart lately, not to mention faith, or as I like to call it at times, trust.

I finally fell asleep after talking it all out with him. Today I was hoping it would be better, but I let one customer get under my skin, and I found myself experiencing the same torrent of thoughts that I have had the habit of thinking lately. These are thoughts that I used to get really annoyed at hearing others voice. These are thoughts that I can't believe I have. It feels like I'm cursing my life by having them.

I voiced some of the mild ones to my closing manager, and she said, "Jenny, you can't let them get to you. You're too pure. I'm already ruined, so it doesn't do anything to me. But you, you still have a nice heart towards others."

(If only this particular manager knew how often she was the voice of God in my life. It catches me off guard almost every time.)

So tonight, after a couple episode of Little House on the Prairie to calm me down (which really didn't, since Mrs. Oleson and Carolyn were having words), I finally made it to my bed. I didn't want to pull out my Bible, because I felt like something was waiting. I was actually thinking to myself, Jenny, pride is what this is. You have too much pride. You judge others, and others are going to judge you. After this thought, I opened it and just wanted to bury my face in the pillow when I read the verse that it fell to. God isn't going to let me stay like this. He knows I'm too miserable.

"I said to the boastful, 'Do not boast,' and to the wicked, 'Do not life up the horn; do not life up your horn on high, do not speak with insolent pride.'" Proverbs 75:4-5


Thanks, God, thanks a whole heaping lot.

Man, I feel like I can leave this cycle of anger and regret if I take the time to really think when I'm out on the floor at work. So often I've been ready to get angry at people, almost looking for a reason to be, as if it is my food. But it can't be, because it leaves me feeling too bitter and lonely. I must guard my heard with love and trust. I must learn how to do this. I can't let someone else beat me down. I can't give them the power.

A couple nights ago, I decided to prod and poke a bit at God before going to sleep. I say "prod" and "poke" when I mean that it was more of those passing by gestures that I throw at God from time to time when I feel guilty. And I had been feeling guilty due to my anger. Anyway, I was asking him what I needed to do to feel like I did when I was younger. All I heard was, "Will you climb the mountain to my synagogue?"

Whatever that means. I have a couple ideas, but thoughts are appreciated.
Love you all!

(And I just thought of this, but since my helmet is the hope of my salvation, I can know this: that I am saved, and my thoughts are truly one with his, and therefore, all other thoughts must go! Because they do not belong, and are not part of my nature, or my body. And my life is one with his, and no one can take it from me and make it something that it is not.)

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