Friday, January 6, 2012

Reflections: Chapter 1

So during my shower thinking time I was thinking about my blog last night.

It can't be true that reading the Bible and trying to know God more didn't help me. It is not true. I have no proof that this is true.

These were my thoughts. Then I got the idea that I should start a series of Reflections in this blog. These Reflections shall consist of me remembering and valuing all of the many times that the Bible, Jesus, something spiritual-like has helped me be who I am today. I am pretty awesome, so there should be lots of instances. I thought of about four in the shower.

I am very excited. Ready, set, GO!

Reflections: Chapter 1

My parents decided to send me to a Christian private school in middle school. I had been home schooled for all of my prior school years. My social interactions and friendships came from church and dance classes. I suppose you would have defined me as sheltered, although my parents never seemed to set out with that intention. They both loved, and still love, exposing and sharing their favorite things of the world with us. But beside television and books, I had not been exposed to any sort of real teen angst or depression. Middle school changed that.

I went into the school year with the belief that I was supposed to change the world and set a good example, due to having a relationship with Jesus. Very high expectations for anyone, and I was doomed to fail.

In middle school I read the Bible like a book (ha.). I read 2 Corinthians so much that some pages fell out of the bookbinding. I was always particularly struck by these first verses.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I had always felt comforted during all of my afflictions by Jesus, and therefore felt it was my duty to set out and find those who needed comforting. A few resented this, which is no surprise. I could get pretty intense. There was a group, though, who seemed drawn to me like bees to honey. One boy from the first day, and this is the story I will share today.

He had a crush on me, which confused me greatly. He was the saddest boy in school, and described me as an angel. I would roll my eyes, and try to grab up my books before he could swoop them up and follow me to my locker. We had one class together, and he sat beside me, so we would talk during breaks. I saw him as someone that needed my help, since I obviously had all the answers. I started to press him to share why he was so down all the time. He didn't want to talk about it, and would become very angry, and say something nasty. Then the next day he would apologize, and so it went.

He finally said that his grandfather, who was a good man, had died. He said that this had made him angry with God. That was all he would ever say, and I thought this was a weak excuse to be treat me and all of his other friends like crap, which he did. He would apologize the next day, but it got to be exhausting, and I wanted to be done with it.

He became extremely manipulative with me as the months wore on, and began to call me to vent about his anger. He would say things like, "I know I shouldn't be calling you or talking to you, because I'm such an awful person, and don't deserve your friendship." At first it kept me on the phone, but soon I began to realize that he was just saying these things so he could use me better, since it made me feel guilty for not wanting to talk to him.

One day I was sitting on my bed, feeling exasperated. I said, "God! What should I do?" At the time, not being friends with this boy wasn't an option in my mind, because I didn't think it would be what Jesus would do, due to not learning about healthy boundaries yet. I opened up my Bible and my eyes fell to this verse.

"Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways, and find a snare for yourself." Proverbs 22:24-25

AH! I freaked out. "You mean I can just NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HIM? This is OKAY? Not only okay, but the RIGHT THING to do?" I was ecstatic.

For the next couple months, I refused to sympathize with him. I would either not answer the phone, or only talk for a few seconds. I could tell from his tone that he realized he had lost control, and it wasn't long before the phone calls stopped completely.

That story ended up being longer than I planned, but I already feel more satisfied that I had been believing a lie for the past couple months. More Reflections to come...

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