Thursday, January 5, 2012

I did lots of productive things today. Mostly cleaning. I feel good about it.

On my ride home I was thinking about my life lately. This was mostly due to hearing this song for the first time tonight.

I was relating to some of the lyrics. Ofcourse when I pray to God I believe he listens. In the car tonight I said, "I know you're my best friend, but I don't feel like I've been spending a lot of time with you. I haven't read the Bible for more than a minute in a long time, not that that has to define our relationship. It never has. But I never feel inspired to read anything relating to the Bible anymore...

I think this is because of where I have ended up. I never thought our relationship would lead me to where I am today. I was going to be a dance teacher, but that dream died on me, and it was because of you. I never went to Cuba, but I never wanted to anyway, and I don't believe I was supposed to go. It seems like I'm stuck in Georgia and Jefferson, but who's to say I need to leave? I don't even want to leave.

I don't see how trying to know you the best I could got me anywhere. By trying to know you more I mean reading John G. Lake devotionals and such. I was always trying to grab onto what joy meant, what love meant, getting down the deeper meanings. I enjoy just living and going through my daily routines much more. I know that this isn't the right way to think, but this is where I'm at right now, and that is what I've been doing."

So as I wrote that out it all clicked as to what was wrong and what was right about what I said in my car ride tonight.

What was wrong was thinking that reading the Bible so much got me no where. It absolutely got me to the place where I can stay sane. And I was always listening, and hearing good things from God. I dreamed a lot more when I was listening.

I am so disappointed in where I am at today because I feel that it is SO FAR beneath all and any of my expectations. I've started applying to be a school teacher assistant, and feel that it is so far below what I want to be doing daily. I feel like such a cop-out when I even think of it. I can't do it. I could do it for a very short time, but not at all for the rest of my time here on earth. I have to find out where my expectations with myself are. I have to know God more in order to do that, because the more I know God, the more I know his thoughts for me, so the more I know myself. I have to stop believing the lies.

What was right was focusing on my daily routine more. I really began to realize last year how my actions never lined up with what I believed was right. I really began to work on that, and still want to do that more and more. But I saw the difference, and am still seeing the changes I have been making in myself.

I really want to have a dream for my life again, but I don't know what I want.

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