Friday, July 23, 2010

Why So Serious?

My joy has been coming and going in waves. At least, that is how it feels. I have been getting WAY too serious. I keep saying I need more alone time, so I go soak, and it is AWESOME! And then the next day I get serious again and once again, I need alone time.

Why am I so serious right now? I don't get it. I don't like it. It's not supposed to be like this. I am a bubbly, overflowing person. Sometimes though, I do not feel the freedom to just be me. Not cool. I need to get away for a little while I think...or would that be running away? I'm not supposed to run away. I need to get out of this weird cycle I have fallen into this past week. I'm pretty darn tired of it. I feel really unpredictable. And no, this is not PMS.

I think I am worried about something...yep.

I am worried that time is going to pass by, and when it is over I will have found that I did not spend it like I wanted to. Too often, I look back and realized that I wasted time with certain people who were just sucking me dry, while the true friends sat on the wayside. I look back and want to relive yesterday.

I can't allow myself to look back anymore. Learn your lesson, Jenny, and move on. Get out of this funk, and get rid of the junk.

I miss Joy. The kind that starts from the very core of you and pours out of your pores because you can't contain it even when you are still.

Jesus loves me, what more do I need? Oh shoot, I just realized that I am afraid. I'm afraid of missing life because I'll make a mistake if I get all joyful and not analyze everything. WRONG! There is a difference between being sober in spirit and worrying. Jesus wants to use me just by letting me be me and living through me. Jesus is right here with me even now, and He wants to love me and get me to let myself go. BE UNAFRAID, JENNY! Be raw, be real, be free.

And I will not let myself live life alone anymore. Being obedient means taking God's advice, right? Right. I need to let my friends love me and spend time with me and give them a chance to love me even when it isn't fun to be with me. hee hee.

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