Wednesday, July 28, 2010

greeted with a smile.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone last night, Nicki. She is in Florida working for a church right now and I'm also super busy, so our phone chats are few and far between.

We had been talking for almost a hour when we both realized something. We had been talking about everyone and everything except for what was going on within OUR heads. There was only surface talk. Asking ourselves why this was, we realized that it was because it was safe territory. I mean, when do you come across such a friend with whom you can totally be yourself? Almost never. Nicki is that friend for me but, I think it scares the crap out of me still. We've been friends for a couple years now and have always tried our best to be honest with each other, no matter what consequences may turn up. We really put ourselves out there with each other but, one never seems shocked senseless by what the other is going through or thinking. So why were we beating around the bush during this conversation?

I think it still scares me a little, because when someone wants to know what is going on within your spirit, it not only causes you to voice these things. It also causes you to actually think, "Wait a minute...what IS going on inside of me right now?"

To allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other once again. To not run away when you realize what you have to do and have shared it with someone else. Nicki and I have fought to hold each other accountable for our actions when we are doing something we know is not good for the other. Sometimes, one of us runs away from the other because we don't WANT to do what we have to do. Those times apart were awful.

"cause life's not life, no, life's not life without someone like you to walk around this city when autumn's air is cool and paper thin. we've crawled this far to creep a little more but, if you stay away i'm sure it'll be okay (at least that's what I'm supposed to say). should absence be the only point we share to hinge our lives i'll wonder where you are, what life's been like, when i'm wrinkled and my hair is white. if time should waste itself till we're 94 and you find yourself knocking on my door, i swear i'll greet you with a smile. but i'd rather...i'd rather it not unfold that way."

But we always come around in the end. I can't hide the fact that I need this friendship.

We shared our deep and profound thoughts with each other last night forthwith. It was amazing. The fellowship that we were able experience, the understanding, the fed our spirits.

Afterwards, I was lying on my bed, and I felt like a bunch of air had just been expelled from my body. I was flat, stretched out, and happy. I was accepted by Nicki not despite my honesty but, because of it.

I have said it and I will say it again. I refuse to run away.

Nicki and I have been through a lot, together and apart. I can't imagine anyone else with whom I would want to adopt three babies from other countries, as well as a space baby (which is why I am not married, I have not come across that man yet).

She feels deeply, expresses loudly (around me anyway), cares profoundly, loves unconditionally. I am blessed to have you in my life. God knew what He was doing when He collided our lives so awkwardly.

I have never been on a Spoken kick. I always noticed they were anointed in passing and never took it further till now. Here is yesterday's song on repeat.

we were side by side for so long,
somehow we lost our way
when will we meet again?

i'm praying for someday,
i remember walking beside you,
i remember how you sang,
of your fathers love forever, am i to blame?
did i lead you wrong?
did i lead you astray?
was i wrong?
am i to blame?

1 comment:

  1. True friends really are a treasure not to be taken lightly. I count myself extremely blessed to be able to say that I've got 4 people that I can spill my heart to without reservation. :)

    May God bless your friendship beyond all reason!! In Jesus' name, AMEN!! :D:D

    God bless. :)