Friday, April 15, 2011

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

God had me watch the two seasons of Pushing Daisies recently. A fantastic television show. Fred Rogers (from Mister Roger's Neighborhood) believes that "The space between the television set and that person who's watching is very holy ground." Agreeing with him, I watched the show and waited to see what the message was for me. I got nothing. God urged me to think about it some more, but still nothing. It was a hard show for me to ponder on for long, because the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that it is such a sad story. I couldn't put my finger on why I thought that way about it.

The happiness that springs from the show did impact me. There are two characters who are almost always smiling, and they bring joy to those around them. They "light up the room". I have always been referred to as "sunshine" and similar things myself, so I thought, this is how I want to be. I want to keep being happy and bring joy to others' lives.

A few days later, a person who I had just met asked me what I was passionate about. "Uh." This was not a conversation I wanted to have with a stranger. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with anybody. I had no idea. I blurted out my old passion though. "Dancing! I love dancing." Dancing is more of my bliss though, and not my passion. God had me give up my dream to be a dance teacher a few years ago. Though I can still feel that dream rotting and decaying inside of me from time to time, I don't want to go back to it. If I did it would break my heart. It was breaking my heart when I was holding onto it. Dance and I had a love-hate relationship.

This past Sunday I asked God if the joy in my favorite characters was what He was trying to show me. I thought, making people happy must be my passion. What do you think? He immediately said, "No. Making people happy should not be your focus. You should focus instead on bringing changed into others' lives and empowering them to make their own changes. You can show them that things can be different."

When God said this it reminded me of something I had said several years ago. I had said, "I love seeing people empowered to make changes in their lives and see things differently based on something I did. It is what makes me the most happy." I had forgotten that. I still, however, had no idea HOW I was supposed to do that or WHAT it looked like. Plus, what on earth was the point of watching Pushing Daisies anyway, besides the enjoyment of it. "I wanted you to see that most of those characters were waiting for something that was never going to happen, but they kept on waiting anyway." This was true, and I realized that was what was making me sad to reflect on the show. But what did this have to do with me?

Wednesday I went to visit my family's chiropractor (my posture has decayed right along with my dancing). Mom, Jon and I were in the waiting room talking. Jon is about to graduate high school, and I was asking him about his classes. I was surprised to find that he found biology boring. "I loved biology!" I exclaimed. I explained some of the fascinated facts I had learned about my body and how it helped my overall health. Jon just shook his head. Mom said something along the lines of how I could become a dietitian. This was said lightly and almost in a passing manner, and my name was called. As I rested on the chiropractor's table, he asked me how school was going. Great, I thought, someone else is going to think I'm a bum. "I'm actually not going to school right now. I got an associates degree in Social Work." He said, "Oh, okay." And that was it, much to my relief.

As I was still and quiet on that table though, things became quite clear. I realized that God had told me not to focus on making others happy because it would only lead to codependent relationships. I realized that, yes, I did not want to be a counselor, case manager, group therapist, or any other type of social worker. I realized that I did not want to bake for a living, own a bakery, or anything similar. I did, however, want to empower people to make changes in their lives. I wanted to uncover those hidden from the world. This is when that homeless bird flew into my head and found a home.

I WANTED to be a dietitian. And not only that, I thought becoming a personal trainer would be equally amazing.

My body remained calm as my chiropractor adjusted me, but inside I was secretly having a party. I FOUND MY CALLING, I screamed on the inside.

It was one of the singular moments in my life when I couldn't think of a reason to NOT do something, because I WANTED to do it so bad. I had been waiting to want to be a social worker or a baker. I was waiting for something that was never going to happen, because I had been waiting to want to be something that I was not supposed to be.

So that is my long story. I am sticking to it. :-) I got to go get on my day and call college admissions, ect. I am SO excited. Taking this season of rest is certainly paying off! I just needed some time to process and let my subconscious and God assure me that I can be true to myself without missing my destiny.

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